Parent Affirmation Monday- self-care 9/3/2012
Reading a book (Photo credit: Ed Yourdon)
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
If you are like most parents I see in my practice and you read the title and know this week is about self-care, you might be thinking about skipping this weeks affirmation. Don’t! It might be the most important affirmation of all. We have all heard the warning on the airplane where we are instructed that should the pressure drop and the air masks come down from the ceiling we need to put the masks on ourselves first. Have you ever thought why that might be the instruction? Well, think about it. If you, like most parents, would have the impulse to help your child first and put the mask on them, then you run out of time to put the mask on yourself, there you are passed out and unable to help your child. You are not able to make sure they keep the mask on, stay calm and exit should there be an emergency landing. Your children end up taking care of you when you do not take care of yourself.
Let’s give an example on a more practical level, because really, how often are you going to need to put an air mask on your child in an airplane? Hopefully never. But what about this? Think about a time when your house was messy. I hope for you this is harder to do than it was for me. Are there days when you felt capable of cleaning your messy home, or at least part of it and you tackled the job? I bet there have also been days when you could not stand to look at it and the thought of cleaning it just made you feel overwhelmed and awful. What is the difference? Was your house messier on the bad day or was it just that your internal state was different? The same is true with our children. When we feel depleted we feel less able to tackle the issues with them as they come along. Rather than handling a bump in the road like forgotten homework or lost shoes or a ornery child the way we would like, we lose it and go into fight or flight mode, constantly reacting without giving real-time or attention to workable solutions that feel good to you and help your child.
Besides minimizing it’s importance, another thing that keeps parents from self-care is the faulty belief that it costs money or takes too much time. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, if you can get a day at the spa or go play golf with your friends, that’s great but you do not have to spend a lot of time and money on self-care. The idea is to be aware that you are doing it when you are taking care of yourself and to enhance the moment with gratitude for how smart you were to fit it in.
Some quick and easy ideas for self-care: You know how you put a note in your child’s lunch sometimes just to be nice? Get a post-it note, write- “You are amazing” put it in your gym bag or your treadmill and get a smile the next time you open your bag to do something for yourself. You know how you get your kids a special snack at the grocery store? Grab yourself that lotion you wanted to try. Every night before bed, use it. By the way, I know several men who put lotion on their feet at night and sleep with socks on who have very happy significant others because there are no more scratchy feet. It takes less than one minute. You are worth 30 seconds right? Instead of grabbing a bag of chips or a cigarette, treat yourself to a few nice deep breaths. Put a poem or inspirational quote by your desk at work and say it to yourself. You know how you think of things to entertain your kids when you take them places? Remember to put a book in the car for you to read- maybe one of those meditation a day books. I particularly enjoy Melody Beattie’s Language of Letting Go Meditation Series of books. You can sit in your car while you wait for the kids to get out of school, or for those few minutes your infant or toddler is sleeping in the car before you wake them up and read a page of inspiration and reflection. Poof! Self-care.
This weeks affirmation is:
I give myself permission to take care of me. I know that when I do, I am a better parent.
P.S.- It’s good to be back from vacation. I missed you all! Later this week, I’m going to send out a request that I think will help us all with self care.
Related articles
- Parent Affirmation Monday- Healthy Eating 7/23/2012 (help4yourfamily.com)
- Parent Affirmation Monday- review #2 8/27/2012 (help4yourfamily.com)
- The Art of Breathing (help4yourfamily.com)
Parent Affirmation Monday- review #2 8/27/2012
Stained Glass (Photo credit: fortunae2002)
Last week, we reviewed the first eight affirmations from the Help 4 Your Family blog. This week, we can review the most recent seven affirmations. To review the context of the affirmation, you can click on the one you want. Enjoy, and please feel free to share the one you picked and why, or to share a different one that you use.
- I am impeccable with my words.
- I love the experiences, values, and principles that make the family I am creating unique. We celebrate our differences.
- I maintain healthy boundaries with my children.
- I nourish myself by joyfully eating healthy foods and sharing them with my family.
- I show my children how to love themselves and care for their body by exercising in ways I enjoy.
- I pay attention to my breathing. I am thankful for each breath.
- I care more about my child (or husband/wife, etc) than I care about this conflict.
Parent Affirmation Monday- review #1 8/20/2012
monday’s flowers (Photo credit: Greg Timm)
For the next two weeks I will be on vacation, including a vacation from blogging. In the meantime, I thought this would be a good time to pick one of the affirmations we have worked on so far that might need reinforcing, or, if you are new, to catch up on the parent affirmations. This Monday, you will get the first eight to choose from. If you click on the one you want, it will take you to the original post in case you need to remember the context. Please share which one you chose in the comments. I would love to hear. Is there another affirmation you use that you would like to share? If you do, you might see it featured (crediting you of course) another week. Here goes, I hope you enjoy 🙂
- My children give me constant opportunities to learn and grow.
- I give my children age appropriate time and space to solve their own problems.
- Everything is happening at just the right time.
- I allow my child to explore his or her own unique talents and abilities. I work on finding mine as well.
- I give myself and my children realistic expectations for managing time.
- I am open to finding creative solutions to any problem.
- My children and I delight in each other, and in ourselves.
- I am letting go of anger and resentment. I allow myself the freedom of forgiveness.
Parent Affirmation Monday- 8/13/2012- control
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
I care more about my child (or husband/wife, etc) than I care about this conflict.
Zeke washing dishes (Photo credit: Nathan Rein)
How often do we get into it with our kids over something little? Do you argue with your child about the right way to do something, or getting it done the way we want them to do it? This week, I am challenging you to pay attention to how much you do this and whether you may be able to pull back that behavior a little bit to allow your children (or your spouse) to do it their way.
A recent study came out that says that mothers who feel as though they are the most essential component of their child’s life (over fathers even) are more likely to feel overwhelmed and depressed. When we seek to control the actions of others (even our children), we are certain to get into a power struggle. Yes, common parent knowledge these days says that if you give an order, you must follow through. But how often are we demanding that things must be done only our way? There is a happy medium between the constant negotiations we know children are capable of and completely avoiding all conflict. Let’s try to find that for you with your children and with your adult relationships.
I distinctly remember when I realized my husband does some things better than I do with the children. Honestly, I was a little put off. My inner critic wanted to tell me I should know how to do everything better- being a child therapist and all, but, guess what? He is better at playing with them, joking them out of a funk and getting them into and out of the bath without argument among other things. This week, be open to the possibility that children and significant other adult relationships may do things differently in a way that might be just as good, or better than you expected.
Related articles
- Raising Successful Children (nommimarlik.wordpress.com)
- Mother is Best? Why “Intensive Parenting” Makes Moms More Depressed (healthland.time.com)
Parent Affirmation Monday- Breathing- 8/6/2012
Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
meditation (Photo credit: HaPe_Gera)
I usually get an eye-roll when I mention the idea of breathing or paying attention to one’s breathing in my office. It is so simple. We all breathe all day, everyday. As my dad would say, “It’s better than the alternative.” This week, I want to give you a simple task to go along with your affirmation. Pay attention to your breath. Notice how you are breathing at different times of the day. If each breath is felt most in your shoulders, try taking in a breath that fills your belly like a balloon, then lets the air out of the balloon. It only takes a moment.
Take a deep breath- through your nose if possible- and let it out slowly. You can even try the trick my meditation teacher taught me called the “mindsweep.” When someone has entered your space and left a bad feeling behind- you know, when you were fine when they walked in the room then not so fine after they have left, it means you took on some of their feelings, like anxiety, depression, anger, etc. This is what the mindsweep is for. Turn your head to the left. Take a deep breath in, telling yourself that you are breathing in to remind yourself who you really are. Hold the breath as you turn your head to the right. Once you are looking to the right, imagine that you are blowing their stuff right back out of you as you breath- or blow- out.
Just paying attention to your breathing is a form of body regulation. You can lower your heart-rate, increase oxygen intake, and reduce stress all with simple breaths.
I pay attention to my breathing. I am thankful for each breath.
If you would like, you can say the first sentance as you breath in and the second as you breath out to make a little feel-good meditation.
We can see how this helps you, but how does it help your children? When you regulate your body, you are teaching them to regulate their bodies. When they see you taking a deep breath as a way to stop from yelling, they will take on this behavior as well. Once you get good at this, you can teach them to breath deeply too and to pay attention to their breaths.
Related articles
- 5 Ways to Return to Mindfulness with Your Children (meghannathanson.com)
Parent Affirmation Monday- Exercise- 7/30/2012
English: 100220-N-6855K-045 OKINAWA, Japan (Feb. 20, 2010) Children from the Kadena Children’s Center jump rope with Intelligence Specialist 1st Class Stephanie Delano, left, Aviation Ordnanceman 2nd Class Shannon Lanza and Aviation Maintenance Administrationman 1st Class James Kerr during a community relations project. Sailors from Patrol Squadron (VP) 47 also taught traditional English songs to the local Japanese children attending after-school care at the center. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
I am sure I am not the only parent who has used the Olympics to get my children motivated to exercise. We have watched the Olympic swimmers and gymnasts and talked about all the hard work they put into getting to the Olympics, as well as all the times they must have tried and failed in competitions, meets, etc. only to dust themselves off and try again.
This week and last week, I am posting about taming the “nasties” in your child. One major mood stabilizer (better than medication in studies) is exercise. You have probably heard this before- exercise 30 minutes several times per week. I know that is hard as a parent, especially if your children are younger. However, I would like to take this opportunity to illustrate the ways in which we can imprison ourselves with our thoughts. I see many adults do this with exercise, parenting, eating, you name it. We create our own personal prisons, when we read an article that tells us the best way to do something and decide it is the “only” way.
Think of a prison cell with no bars on the front. Then, with each thought you have about the reasons you can not exercise, imagine a bar being put in place. “I don’t have time.” There is one bar in your prison. “I don’t have the right equipment.” There goes another bar. “I don’t like to exercise.” Bar. “I can’t afford the gym.” Pretty soon, if you examine your thoughts about something, then step back, the self-imposed prison becomes quite evident. Again, just because you read an article about the optimal way to do something, that does not mean it is the only way to do it. For example, “I don’t have time to exercise.” Maybe you don’t have 30 minutes strung together. Do you ever get five minutes? Just because 30 is better doesn’t mean five is nothing. Some exercise is better than no exercise. Walk up the steps instead of taking the elevator. Park farther away from the grocery store. When your daughter is practicing jump rope, get a rope and practice too. When you do this, you are removing a bar from your prison. The times you take the kids for sports practice, instead of sitting and chatting in the waiting room, see if the parent you talk to every time might want to take a walk during the class instead. Another bar down. No gym membership? No problem! Exercise is free or very inexpensive if you want it to be. Running requires shoes. I’ve seen jump ropes at the dollar store. Walking in place or up and down the steps does not even require shoes. Similarly, a private dance party with your little ones costs nothing. I am certain that if you decide to be kind to yourself by losing the perfectionistic tendencies that keep you from exercising, then you will see you are moving more, regulating your emotional state better and modeling a wonderful way to love yourself for your children.
Two quick parenting tips:
- When you are in a bad mood, try saying to your children, “I’m in a bad mood, I think I need to go workout so I can be nicer to everyone.” This trains them from early on to do as my children learned: when they see me fussing and getting overwhelmed, they ask if I might need to take a walk so I can feel better. Lots of times we do end up going for a walk and I do feel better. Also, because I model this for them, when they are in a bad mood, I see them doing the same thing. They ask to take a bike ride to feel better, or I find one of them jumping rope outside. Each time this happens, we reinforce each other’s good behavior making great habits that can last a lifetime.
- If you are having a hard time deciding on a type of exercise you would like to try, think about what you wish your child would try. Are you attracted to them doing that sport because it is something you wish you could do? Or, think of the activities you loved as a child. Did you love to go bowling? Did you take dance classes? Did you always wish to be a runner? You don’t have to be training to be a professional to enjoy the movements you always wanted to do as a child. Try them now :).
Today’s affirmation is:
I show my children how to love themselves and care for their body by exercising in ways I enjoy.
Related articles
- Parent Affirmation Monday- Healthy Eating 7/23/2012 (help4yourfamily.com)
- Taming the “Nasties” in Your Children- Part 1 (help4yourfamily.com)
- Hey Parents, Your Kids Actually Need To See You Exercising (blisstree.com)
Parent Affirmation Monday- Healthy Eating 7/23/2012
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
Fresh vegetables are important components of a healthy diet. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
It’s the middle of the summer. Schedules are out of whack and ever-changing. We have vacations and might be spending more meals on the go or out at restaurants. Summer can be brutal to a healthy diet, especially if we take the old approach of telling ourselves what not to eat, instead of focusing on what to eat. It might not seem like a big difference, but focusing on what to eat over what not to eat can make a big difference. Think of it as looking for abundance rather than deprivation. Which sounds better to you? Try this affirmation for the week to see about getting your health back on track or keeping it healthy.
I nourish myself by joyfully eating healthy foods and sharing them with my family.
What does this have to do with parenting? Two major things happen as a result of joyfully eating healthy foods. The first is, of course, setting a good example for your children. Then, when you talk to them about the importance of healthy eating, they are more likely to listen. I have picture up in my office that says:
Children often fail to do as we say but seldom fail to do as we do.
It is so true. Second, eating healthy foods is an important, and often overlooked part of regulating emotions. Have you ever noticed that you were in a foul mood because you were hungry or ate junk all day? Later this week, I will be posting about what to do when your child is acting just plain nasty and take a closer look at some of the ways food can play into foul moods.
One sticking point I know some parents will have with this affirmation is the feeling they have about children who refuse to try healthy food. I have one of these in my home. I am not asking you to pretend this is not a struggle. I am asking you to reframe this issue. Rather than focusing on what your child is not doing, I would encourage you to model what you are doing, eating healthy, feeling good, looking at healthy foods with excitement and savoring the way they taste. By doing this, you greatly increase the chances of your child following suit. If you do not feel excited about the healthy foods you are eating, perhaps you are eating the wrong healthy foods for you. While I am not a dietician, I do try to be aware to these things and I can tell you a simple rule I have learned: if it has been processed and comes in a package, it is not as healthy as something that was picked and sent right to your grocery store, roadside stand, or, best of all, came from your vegetable garden. One resource I have come to trust is the website Everyday Health. If you are looking for more information about making healthy food choices, I would suggest you check them out or go to your family physician for resources or referrals.
What healthy foods do you enjoy with your children? Please share any ways that you have been creative in finding healthy food choices for you and your family.
Related Posts:
- Parent Affirmation Monday- Boundaries- 7/16/2012
- Parenting with Affirmations (help4yourfamily.com)
- Parental Reframes When Things Don’t Look So Good (help4yourfamily.com)
Parent Affirmation Monday- Boundaries 7/16/2012
Written by Kate Oliver, LCSW-C
Boundaries are tough for a lot of people, especially if they were not always honored for you while you were growing up in your family of origin. They are also ever- changing. The boundaries you have with your two-year old will be very different from those you have with your teenager. Extenuating family circumstances and developmental issues can also play a major role in the boundaries we set with our children.
What I would like for each parent to take a moment to do this week is to really think about how your child will have many, many adults go in and out of their lives, but very few parents. Your role is so special and unique for your child. They look to you to show them the way to be in the world. They want you to guide them and teach them how to feel peaceful and happy. While it can seem like helping kids feel peaceful and happy means giving them free rein to explore, do and receive as they wish, children actually seek and need you to set reasonable limits for them.
You can see how important boundaries are when you look at children who seem to get all they want. Watch the children you know in your lives that get the toys right when they want them and whose parents take them anywhere they want to go. They are often the most demanding, unhappy children you will see. Parents that fool themselves into thinking that they must meet all of their children’s desires in order to make them happy are actually breeding unhappiness in their children along with a search for more and more and the message that the issues inside can be resolved by “getting something” from the outside. When children feel as though they are safely contained within the confines of a parental relationship where their parents are allowing them to explore in a way that is safe, and where they have limits, they feel better!
The affirmation for this week is:
I maintain healthy boundaries with my children.
Related articles
- Healthy Boundaries: A Good Practice (letlifeinpractices.com)
- Let Them Climb Trees (and Fall) (parenting.blogs.nytimes.com)
- The Benefits of Establishing Boundaries (rhachellenicol.com)
- Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family! 7/9/2012
Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family! 7/9/2012- unique
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
Keeping Up with the Joneses (Photo credit: teresia)
Most of us have heard that saying about “keeping up with the Joneses.” It refers to our longing to have what others around us have and to fit into our perception of a “normal” family, but what if we all stopped? What if everyone stopped trying to keep up with the Joneses and just worked on being the Smiths, the Olivers, the Mbutus, the Pierces, the Finklesteins, or whatever your last name is? What would happen then? What do we give up when we work so hard to be like everyone else?
I would venture to guess that when we strive to be like everyone else, we give up our own authenticity, our power, and our inner peace, yet, so many people who come through my doors each day struggle with feeling so different from everyone else with the assumption that different equals not as good as.
I am going to propose that different just means different, no more and no less. I bet you can come up with a lot of people you have met who are different. I bet some of you are way nicer about them being different than you are to yourself when you feel different. Every family is different too. Each family has its own eccentricities. Maybe part of what attracts you to the Jones family is the thing that seems to make them unique. It could be that they always seem to have some inside joke in their family, or that they have a family activity they do together like hiking or biking that makes them different. Well, this week, we are going to focus on embracing what makes our family unique with this affirmation:
I love the experiences, values, and principles that make the family I am creating unique. We celebrate our differences.
This is an important affirmation for all families, but I am going to highlight the importance of this affirmation for families with trans-racial adoptees. In those families, or any families where a child does not necessarily look like his or her parent(s), finding similarities or unique qualities about your family that bind you together outside of the way that you look is so important. In my family we have a special hand squeeze that we, and only we know, means “I love you.” If I want to make my child feel special at any time, I give them the special squeeze- it does not embarrass them in front of their friends since no one else knows it is happening but the two of us, and sometimes they give me the squeeze and it always makes me smile.
I hope you enjoy this affirmation this week. As with all affirmations, it is good to say it over and over to make it a part of your everyday thought process.
How is your family unique? Please share.
Related Posts:
Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family!- 7/2/2012- Words
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
I recently read a book by Don Miguel Ruiz titled, The Four Agreements. In this book, the author states that one of the most important things we must all do is to “be impeccable with your words.” This week, I want us all to use this as our affirmation:
I am impeccable with my words.
When you are using this affirmation, take a moment to think about what it means. It means that we speak truthfully to and about ourselves and to and about others. When you find yourself saying out loud or internally, “I am terrible! That was awful!” STOP and remember our affirmation this week: I am impeccable with my words. Are you really terrible? Was that really awful? Or perhaps would it be more true to say that you wished you handled something differently? Look at the difference between saying you are terrible and saying you wish you handled something differently.
Many of today’s parents of younger children are familiar with the recommendation to say to children, “I don’t like what you did” instead of saying, “Don’t be bad.” When you say, “I don’t like what you did.” a child hears you tell them something about their behavior. When you say, “Don’t be bad.” a child hears you say something about your beliefs about who they are. Being impeccable with our words is so important for us and for our children. My belief is that many of us work to be flawless with our words with children while we neglect the words we say to ourselves. I really want you to stop neglecting this part! Be precise about the words you say to yourself.
This week, whenever possible, take time to examine the language you use with yourself and your child. Work to be precise rather than over generalizing. Please refrain from using this affirmation as an additional excuse to be hard on yourself. When you hear the same old language come out of your mouth that you are beginning to see is not actually accurate, gently say to yourself “I am impeccable with my words.” and correct the language you just used with yourself or with someone else.
If you are looking for the book I mentioned, you can find it by clicking on my recommended reading widget at the top left of this webpage.*
Related articles
- Parenting with Affirmations (help4yourfamily.com)
- Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family! 6/25/2012
- Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family! 6/18/2012
- Affirmations and the Parent-Child Well-Being (wholemeprograms.com)
*see disclaimer
About me
Kate Oliver, LCSW-C (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) has been a clinician working with traumatized and attachment-disturbed children for almost two decades. She is co-owner of A Healing Place, a private practice in Columbia, Maryland, since 2007.
At the beginning of her career, Kate found that while some children responded to traditional child therapy practices, there were a significant number of children who showed little or no improvement in their overall emotional well-being. This led her to seek out specialized training to learn more about attachment, the bond between parents and children, and found that by using attachment-based strategies in addition to treating trauma, even the most challenging children and their parents, saw major, life-changing shifts, not only for the children she was working with, but the parents as well.
Early in her career, Kate was privileged to work as the clinical director for Tamar’s Children, a program that took pregnant, incarcerated women from prison to a treatment facility that worked on teaching the women to bond with and attach to their babies, while also helping the women to heal their own broken attachments, and history of trauma and addiction. This program was internationally recognized for having a successful, evidence-based practice using an attachment-based model. From working with some of the most severely disenfranchised parents, Kate received important information about how to help all parents maintain a happy, healthy relationship with their children.
In 2007, Kate co-founded A Healing Place, a mental health private group practice in Columbia, Maryland, where she focuses on working with families with children who have a history of trauma and/or attachment disturbances. A board certified supervisor, Kate has been an invited presenter to teach continuing education courses for other social workers and psychologists. In her courses, Kate teaches attachment-building techniques and presents about her sub-specialty, working with families headed by gay and lesbian parents. Kate has also worked as a trainer for Building Families for Children, a therapeutic foster care agency.
Kate is a former board member for the organization COLAGE, a non-profit group that works toward community building for people with gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender parents. She is currently a member of Attachment Disorders Maryland, a group that works to educate parents and professionals about working with children with attachment related issues. She is a Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Practitioner and Educator.
Kate lives in Columbia, Maryland is the mother of two amazing daughters, the partner to a fantastic husband, and the daughter of one mother and two gay dads. She loves to read any book that crosses her path, write (of course), and she recently started dancing again, a passion she has had since her youth.
Kate can be reached by email: helpforyourfamily@gmail.com for questions or you can find her on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/Help4yourfamily.
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