A Chance to Do The Right Thing
Earlier this week, I had an article published in my professional newsletter for the Maryland National Association of Social Workers. Below is a copy of the article:
by Kate Oliver, LCSW-C
As Social Workers we have an ethical obligation to support and advocate for the families and children we work with. As someone who both works with and grew up in a family headed by gay parents, and as a former board member of COLAGE (a national organization which is designed to support the millions of children with LGBT parents in the United States), I was excited at the prospect of writing an article in support of the upcoming chance to vote FOR Question 6. In Maryland, voting FOR Question 6 maintains the right for gay and lesbian Marylanders to have legally recognized marriages. NASW has long supported the notion that fairness and equality for all is an essential component in helping our clients. Voting FOR Question 6 supports this notion, that everyone is entitled to equal treatment under the law. In a report released last year titled, “All Children Matter: How Legal and Social Inequalities Hurt LGBT Families,” research conducted with the help of The Movement Advancement Project, The Family Equality Council, and the Center for American Progress showed that among other issues:
While overall children in LGBT families have the same incidence of mental health issues as other children, they are more likely to have a mental health issue in states where their families are not equally recognized.
Children in LGBT families have more fear than other children that their families will be broken up.
Children with LGBT parents are more likely to be denied adequate assistance from the state, since their entire family is not legally recognized; the state does not always take all family members into account when providing assistance and may give families headed by LGBT couples less financial help.
Children with LGBT parents are not financially protected when a non-legally recognized parent is injured or killed.
Having gay parents has also exposed me to witnessing the added concerns my father and his husband have had when estate planning, obtaining health care, and worrying about having access to each other if one of them is in the hospital. Non biological parents of children born in an unrecognized union have the added stress of worrying whether they will have access to the children should the couple split.
In Maryland, we have the opportunity to become the first state ever to pass a law approving marriage equality by popular vote. We all know that marriage makes stronger families and all families ensure that everyone has a fair shot in these tough economic times. While some people worry that Question 6 will change religious freedoms or the educational curriculum in schools, Question 6 is being supported by many religious leaders and was actually designed with some of the strongest religious protections in the country, ensuring that no clergy would ever be forced to perform any ceremony for a couple they were not comfortable joining in marriage. Additionally, there are no changes suggested to any school curriculum, nor do schools tend to teach about families or family structure anyway. As Social Workers, we cannot deny that LGBT families are here. In order to protect and advocate for all families in Maryland, voting FOR Question 6 is the only way to go. To find out more about Question 6, you can go to: http://marylandersformarriageequality.org and to join Social Workers for Question 6, visit: http://www.votefor6.com/socialworkers .
Kate Oliver, LCSW-C is the co-owner of A Healing Place, a private practice in Columbia, Maryland. She specializes in working with children and their families where there is a history of trauma or attachment disorders.
Scary Movies
This week, I was honored to be invited to write a guest post for Leah DeCesare over at Mother’s Circle about how to know when children are ready for scary movies. Here is the link: For a Happy Halloween- Save the Scary Movies. Enjoy!
Parent Affirmation Monday- Respect- 10/15/2012

Right-Wing Republicans vs. Corporate Democrats vs. Progressive Populists (Photo credit: Truthout.org)
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
As we continue the election season in the United States, it seems easier and easier to get caught up in the polarity between candidates, especially regarding their moral values and beliefs about who should do what, where, when and why. We hear arguments about religious and moral beliefs, personal freedom and equality. We are reminded from candidates on both sides that our vote is a vote for our own value system even though I am sure many of us have values that do not always align 100% with either candidate.
One opportunity our election system gives us is to model for our children the ideas of individual freedom, respect and personal self-expression. With all the discussion about bullying in schools, we have the opportunity at home to show children how to disagree with someone, their politics, their moral stance, their opinion about a particular candidate, while refraining from making sweeping statements about everyone on either sides personal characteristics.
I had an opportunity to do this in my own family this week. We talk about politics a lot and keep our children informed of events as they unfold as well as discuss with them our particular point of view on the topics at hand. The other day, my youngest daughter referred to people who support one of the candidates in the upcoming election as “stupid.” It gave me a chance to really check my own internal talk about people with a different point of view than mine. It is so easy to say that people supporting the “other” candidate, whatever that means in your house, are wrong, misinformed, “stupid,” especially when there are particularly important issues being worked out.
In my state, in addition to the presidential election we are voting on issues like the Dream Act, marriage rights for gay and lesbian couples, and whether to expand gambling casinos. While I am not always quiet in my posts about my opinions on these subjects and where they come from, I hope for you and for my children, that I have always been respectful. When my daughter called supporters of our “other” candidate stupid, I was quick to remind her that while she may not agree with their thoughts on the issues, it is important to be mindful that when we make a sweeping statement like that we are often including family members and friends that are essential to our lives. We talked about other statements that would be more accurate such as, “I don’t agree with them.” “Maybe they don’t think about this subject the same way I do.” And “I don’t understand the reasons they think that way and maybe we need to talk about it some more….”
While candidates may not always play along with our sense of right and wrong, or respectful dialogue, we can still model this for our children. And, if someone makes a statement we disagree with strongly, we can direct our disagreement toward them, rather than overgeneralizing. If you agree, please feel free to use the following affirmation:
I am respectful to others and they are respectful to me. I model for my children the ways to disagree in a loving, courteous tone.
What I love about affirmations is that you do not always have to agree with the original statement, for example “they are respectful to me” because as we turn our attention to the possibility of something, we tend to see it more than we did before. Look for the ways in which people are respectful and courteous, especially people who disagree with you. Point it out to your children. Show it to them yourself.
Related articles
- Teaching Children to Use Affirmations (help4yourfamily.com)
- Parent Affirmation Monday- Procrastination- 10/1/2012 (help4yourfamily.com)
- Parent Affirmation Monday- Being a Learner 9/24/2012 (help4yourfamily.com)
5 Steps to Take if Someone You Love is Suicidal
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
Last weeks post examined how to determine whether someone is actually suicidal. This week, I want to give you general guidance should you ever have someone you know who is actively suicidal. As I said last week, the hospital is the place to be for anyone who is suicidal, however, there are a few measures you might want to take if you are on the fence about how serious the feelings are that your loved one is experiencing. This post is not intended in any way to constitute medical advice. I strongly urge you to call a mental health professional or suicide prevention hotline if you are having these concerns.
An important side note for teens. Sometimes friends ask us to keep a secret for them about their thoughts of dying. This is not a safe secret! Please tell an adult immediately- your parents, you school guidance counselor, or a trusted teacher, aunt or uncle is a good choice. Here’s the thing- you would rather have an alive, angry friend, than a dead friend who isn’t angry with you.
If you are suicidal, please seek help now. Suicide is what we in the mental health profession like to call a long-term solution to a short-term problem. I know so many people who once contemplated ending it all who are sooo happy they decided to stick around.
5 steps to Take with a Suicidal Loved One (including what to do if they refuse to get help)
1. The first thing you need to do if you are worried that someone is suicidal is…ask! Asking can go like this:
Are you thinking about dying?
Do you ever think about killing yourself?
Have you ever considered taking your own life or hurting yourself?
Or any other way that sounds like it would work for you. There are a few important things to know about asking. The first important thing to know is that asking will not put the idea in someone’s head unless it was already there. This is, by far, the most common concern I hear about asking. I’ve asked so many people these questions that I cannot even count so let me tell you how asking typically goes from children through adults. I typically get one of two responses. One response is the, “I’ve thought about it a few times” response, or “I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.” These are causes for concern and need to be addressed. The other, much more reassuring response is when the person you ask looks at you like you have just grown an extra head before saying no and telling you that you get too serious all the time. A third response, that I have not gotten (probably because the people coming to see me are looking for help) is a muted response without committing either way. That is a concerning response that also needs to be addressed. Seriously though, just ask if you are worried someone is feeling that way. If you have any indication that they are suicidal or even thinking about it, continue on to question #2.
2. The next question you want to ask someone is: Have you ever thought about how you would do it?
This question gives you insight into how serious the person is. I remember someone saying to me once that she thought about killing herself and then, when I asked this question, she said, something along the lines of, “If I could be promised that dying were easy, and all I had to do was push a button and it would be over, I know there have been times I would have done that. Until it’s that easy, I’m not going anywhere.” This is a more reassuring answer since it implies that while the person has thought about it, they have not thought in an in-depth way.
There are other people, however, who will tell you what they thought about doing in a way that lets you know they have planned, they are thinking about it and they are serious, unless they are able to sufficiently reassure you that that is how they used to think and that they no longer are thinking in that way. These are people who must be seen by a mental health professional immediately for further evaluation. In the meantime, if possible, try to make sure that the means of harm they would use (prescription drugs, ropes, guns, etc.) are not available. Also, if a person says something to you like the only way they would kill themselves is to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco and you live in Washington DC, you can breathe slightly easier. Still, to be on the safe side, I recommend everyone take the next step regardless of your level of concern.
3. Ask the person you are concerned about to make an agreement to go to the hospital or call the suicide prevention hotline if they feel as though they cannot promise safety. Ask them to promise you they will remain safe. Make them write it down if you need to in order to emphasize the agreement.
4. If you have any concerns that your loved one is still not safe to make good decisions, do not delay, get them to the hospital no matter what it takes. For a person that is not willing to go to the hospital, do not be too intimidated to call 911. That is what they are there for. As I stated earlier in this post, you would rather have a friend who is alive and angry, than a friend who is dead but still likes you. And, by the way, I don’t know anyone who ever stayed mad at someone who stopped them from dying. I know in my state, Maryland, there is also something called an “emergency petition” (you can just google emergency petition and the name of your state to find out about how to go about this in your state). An emergency petition is something a parent, partner, or mental health professional can fill out to get an order stating that the person must be evaluated by a mental health professional. I have done emergency petitions before and, while I know people have visions of someone being taken away and institutionalized for years, I have yet to see that happen. What most typically happens is that the person goes to the hospital, gets evaluated, makes a safety contract, gets a support system and gets connected with counseling. If it’s helpful just think of it this way: hospitals are not any more interested in keeping people for psychiatric issues than they are for physical health issues. Insurance companies are just as invested in making sure people stay out of the hospital for this issue as they are for any other. In other words, don’t worry about getting someone to the hospital by whatever means necessary. In the end, you will be glad you did.
5. After it’s over, support your friend. Call them, check in with them and, get support for yourself. Remember, you never want to feel like the only person who is keeping someone else alive. It is not fair to either of you and is way too much pressure for one person alone.
Have you ever had to help someone in this way? What were your experiences?
Related articles
- Suicide Prevention: Determining if Someone is Suicidal (help4yourfamily.com)
Announcing a New Group for Parents of Children with Attachment Disorder
For my local readers, I wanted to share the announcement that I will be starting a new drop-in group for parents. Please feel free to pass on this information to anyone you feel would benefit.
Thank you,
Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
A Healing Place in Columbia, Maryland would like to announce that Kate Oliver, LCSW-C will be hosting a new drop-in group for
Parents raising children with attachment related issues.
The group will be held on the 3rd Wednesday of every month from 7:30-9pm. (4th Wednesday in November)
Participants must be referred by either their therapist or their child’s therapist prior to attending and must call to confirm attendance by the Monday before the group.
The purposes of this group are to discuss unique issues that arise while parenting these children, to educate parents about attachment, and to build a supportive community for parents.
Group cost is $50 for one parent or $75 for 2. Space allows for a maximum of 8 participants so please call or email Kate to ensure that there will be space available.
443-325-0360
Or
kate@ahealingplaceincolumbia.com
Suicide Prevention: Determining if Someone is Suicidal
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
Over the years, I have talked to many, many parents, partners, and spouses about what to do if you think someone you love might be suicidal. There are really two parts to figuring out about suicide, 1. determining whether someone is indeed suicidal, and 2. if the person is suicidal, figuring out the level of risk and making sure they are safe. I am going to tackle one section a week so stay tuned for next weeks post. I want to state at the beginning of this post that, of course, my advice here is general and should not be substituted for individualized mental health advice. If you absolutely know someone is suicidal, please take them to the nearest emergency room or contact your local mental health hotline. And, if you are reading this post because you have someone you are concerned about, even if they are not suicidal, please do your best to encourage and support them in seeking therapy as soon as possible. There are mental health services available to many in the United States even if you are under-insured or are not able to afford counseling.
Determining whether someone is suicidal
There are times when you absolutely know someone is suicidal, either you found a note, they told you they were, you find them in the process of attempting, etc. But other times it can be more difficult. Sometimes parents tell me they think their adolescent is saying they want to die in order to get attention. If this is happening, please stop for a moment to think how desperate you have to feel about getting attention in order to say this. I want to make sure that you know that, even with young children, any indication that someone is suicidal needs to be taken seriously. Even if you think they are trying to get attention, don’t you think it would be a good idea to give them some if things have gotten this extreme? I’ve actually come to know of quite a few people via the work that I do who have tried to “get attention” by attempting suicide in the hopes that someone would notice them. I wonder how many suicides are just that, someone thinking they are doing something to get attention but they actually end up dying. Pay attention! Here is what I recommend to all parents who tell me that their child is saying they are going to kill themselves for attention. Tell them you need to take any statement like that seriously and ask if they are serious. If they say that they are, take them to the hospital. Here’s the thing, I know you might say to yourself, “I don’t want to waste the time of the hospital personnel” or, “This kid is trying to waste my time.” Take them to the hospital. Tell them you love them and that you have to take this threat seriously. Sit with them for the hours it takes to be seen. If they are not suicidal, they will be so bored and so over it that by the time you have finished with it, they will never want to have to do that again. You will have nipped a nasty reaction in the bud. The alternative when you take them to the hospital is finding out that they were, in fact, serious and you took them right where they needed to be anyway.
Here’s the thing about the hospital. They are busy. They don’t want to take your child, your friend, spouse, etc. unless they think they need to. Just like they are not looking to keep people for any extra time after surgery, they are not looking to take in people who do not actually need to be there, so please do not worry, the person you take will not be admitted unless they need to be, in which case, you did the right thing.
Warning signs
Other times, you may have someone who you care about who you fear may be suicidal and not telling. Maybe they have had a series of unfortunate circumstances or are having a mental health issue, like a depressive episode. Here are some warning signs that a person is more likely to consider suicide as an option:
- They have had recent loss such as a death in the family, ending of a significant relationship or loss of a job.
- They have a history of depression. Depression is characterized in adolescents differently than it is in adults. Adults tend to have a loss of interest in their usual activities, difficulty attending to tasks, a sense of hopelessness. In children and adolescents, depression more often manifests as irritability and anger.
- They have friends or family members who have committed suicide.
- They have mentioned, even just in passing, that they should just kill themselves, or that they wish they could die. Sometimes they may talk about everyone being better off without them.
- They suddenly begin giving away important items you would not expect them to give away and seem to be suddenly peaceful after a period of difficulty.
- They begin to isolate themselves from friends and family members.
- They have increased alcohol or drug use and/or impulsive or reckless behaviors.
- They have previously attempted suicide in the past.
If you notice any of these symptoms, please take these next steps to ensure that your loved one is safe. Better safe than sorry, as they say. It is especially true in this case.
Stay tuned, next week I will write about what to do to support someone if you fear they are suicidal. In the meantime, here are a few resources.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
How to Know When You or Your Child Need a Therapist (help4yourfamily.com)
Related articles
- Suicide Prevention: Determining if Someone is Suicidal (help4yourfamily.com)
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