Today’s parenting tip that I have for you is so simple but it could change so many of the more frustrating conversations you have with your children. Are you ready? When your children are hounding you about doing something you don’t think is a good idea, instead of saying no and negotiating back and forth about when they can, how much, why not, etc. try framing the issue in terms of what they deserve. You know how this usually goes. You tell your child they can’t do something or they have to do something and they start to argue and negotiate. Why can’t I? All the other kids do! You’re mean! Until you wonder if it was really important in the first place, or their arguments become so darned sophisticated that they have convinced you to go against your better judgement in regard to their health and safety. Telling your kids what they deserve can end some of that and help you to keep focused on the main goal, the health and safety of your children. It looks like this:
Kid: Mom, the other kids in my class don’t have to sit in a booster car seat any more! (feel free to imagine this as a whine)
Mom: You deserve to be as safe as possible and the booster keeps you safe.
Kid: Why can’t I have another cookie? I only had a few!
Mom: You deserve to be healthy, let’s give your body the food it deserves.
Kid: Hey Dad, can I go to Joe’s party this weekend?
Dad: Will there be adults present?
Kid: But Dad! You don’t trust me?! I never get to do anything!
Dad: You deserve to be safe.
Framing your decisions this way will not save you from eye-rolls, huffing and puffing, or pouting all together. Nothing saves you from those things completely, but it may shorten some of the duration. It also saves some of the mental gymnastics for you. For every arguement they come up with about the same issue, you can stop and ponder for a moment, then repeat how much you feel as though they really deserve to be safe, healthy, free from hurtful relationship or friendships, etc. After all, it is difficult to argue back with someone telling you how important you are over and over. Also, remember that our internal self talk is shaped by the way we were spoken to by our parents. Wouldn’t you prefer that your child’s self talk as they grow be “I deserve to eat healthy foods” over “don’t eat that, it’s bad for you?”
- Two things your kids tell their therapists about you (help4yourfamily.com)
- Trash Your Behavior Charts! (help4yourfamily.com)
I am writing this post in response to a post by GorillaParenting’s post, “Stranger Danger- Gorilla Parenting- Fail!” I will re-blog it so you can see the quick video of (I assume) the writer’s daughter answering the question, “What do you do if a stranger tries to give you a piece of candy?” Her answer is, “Say thank you.” While this is very cute, it also raises a question posed by the blogger- how do we teach our children who is safe and who is not?
Most of us grew up hearing about stranger danger and about never talking to strangers, etc. but I think it is time for a new conversation about this topic that first acknowledges that this is a much more complex issue than we give it credit for. We know that it is important in our lives to talk to strangers for many things. After all, on the first day of school, your child’s new teacher is often a stranger to them but of course you want them to talk to the teacher. At the same time, we want them to be able to identify and get away from anyone who has an intent to harm them. So, how does one teach a young child who is and is not safe? Here are a few tips.
1. “Stranger Danger lessons” grow and change over a lifetime and are not a one time event. Start this conversation with your young child by asking them if they know what strangers are, followed up by a question about what strangers look like. You might be surprised by the response you get. Many children know that strangers are people you do not know, but then if you ask what they look like, children sometimes feel they can give a pretty good description. This is your opportunity to begin teaching your child about strangers and how to tell if someone is a “safe” stranger or not. Every child will stay away from a scary guy in a dark cape hanging out in an alley- we know that, it’s the person who would try to lure your child away with kindness that we worry about. And, of course, there is a healthy balance to be made here because we do not want children to be frightened. I coach my own children to speak to strangers that are “helping strangers” like someone who works at the store, a police officer or firefighter. I also tell them if they are ever lost or need help to look for a parent who has children with them that are the same age as my child. After all, a parent with same age children is most likely to empathize with the needs of my child and to help them to get the help they need.
2. Come up with some rules for your child about who is and is not a stranger. When does someone become an acquaintance and does that mean you can go into their home or with them in a car? In one of your ongoing conversations with your child, fit this in. What do you need to know about a person for them not to be a stranger anymore? I often would say you need to know their first and last names, where they live or work, and your mom or dad has to say they are no longer a stranger. Even if someone is not a stranger, you can talk about whether they are okay to go with and make sure your child always knows to tell you before they go with someone. Many families also have a code word that they use with kids so that if something ever happened where, say, the normal person was not there to get them off the bus after school, the parent would send someone to pick the child up and that person would share the code word so the child knows they are safe.
3. Make a playful guessing game with your child when you go to the park and ask them who is a “safe” stranger and who is an “unsafe” stranger. This will give you an opportunity to teach your child to listen to their own instincts about who is safe to talk to and what it is okay to talk to them about, and to teach them that people who look good, are not always what they appear to be. Any stranger that tries to give a child something or tries to have a child go with them without checking with their parents or having the kids check with their parents is not okay. You can also talk with kids about listening to the “uh oh” feeling we get around people sometimes in their tummy, heart or throat. Tell them to check with you first before talking to a stranger (you can come up with a signal like a head nod to say it is okay also). After a child talks to the stranger, ask them how it felt. You can ask them if that person would have been okay to go with to check on their lost puppy (hint- the answer is always “no,” or, “only if I check with you (the parent) first.” If kids get an “uh oh” feeling about a stranger, talk about why they think that is- was the person not listening about your child’s personal space body language (were they in your space bubble?). Was the person asking intrusive, personal questions? Acknowledge how these things can be disturbing and help kids figure out how to address them with adults in a respectful way.
When talking to your young child about strangers, I would be sure to try to keep the conversation on the lighter, playful side since we do not want to scare them, but to also playfully fit in little tests of their knowledge. Children love it when they know the answers to questions. Remember too, that children love it when they know the rules about things, and, even more, they love rituals. Create a ritual where each time you go to the park, you remind them of the rules on the way, stay on the mulched area, ask me before you run to the bathroom by yourself, ask the owner before you pet their dog, and never go anywhere with anyone or accept anything from anyone without asking first. When they are tired of you saying the rules every time, you can make it a guessing game and they can tell you the rules. When they consistently tell you the rules every time, they have got it and you have done the best you can do on this one.
What’s funny is that I don’t think that original video that prompted this post is a “fail” at all. My guess, by looking at the body language of the child is that what actually happened is mom and dad thought they were asking the child about stranger danger but what the child imagined in her safe, secure little world was that a stranger presented her with candy with mom or dad watching and giving a nod, then she takes it. So, what do you do then? Say thank you, of course!
The real problem is that the people who most often harm children are not strangers. Look for future posts about how to help children feel confident enough to protect themselves if someone they know ever tries to cross a boundary.
- Beyond “Stranger Danger” (mommeetsblog.wordpress.com)
- How To Answer Tough Questions From Your Kids (help4yourfamily.com)
Written by, Kate Oliver, LCSW-C
After a couple of days of heavy posts, it’s time to lighten the mood. I’ll post about good programs tomorrow like I said I would, but for now, let’s talk about bringing a little light and levity to our everyday life with our children. Sometimes, all you can do is laugh…or cry. I would encourage you to laugh. Sure, I could tell you about all the research that tells you that laughter is, indeed, the best medicine for many situations, but you can easily look that up, or you can just trust me on this one. Laugh more. Build humor into your family system. Make sure that your children understand your humor (even if they do not like it). Most importantly, teach your children to laugh at themselves by laughing at yourself. My younger daughter does an impression of my husband when he is telling her to clean up that is hilarious. We all laugh, then we clean up.
This morning, when I grumbled at my older daughter to rinse her mouth after brushing her teeth (who doesn’t rinse after you went to the trouble of brushing!?) because I’m tired of paying an extra car payments worth of money every time we go to the dentist, I went up to the bathroom after she went to school and found a post-it note she put up in the bathroom to remind herself to rinse:
In case you can’t read that, it said “RINSE OR DIE!”
Parenting does not have to be a series of serious teaching lessons all put together. It can be easy to forget this. You can teach, love, learn and grow with fun and laughter. Have a child that asks obvious questions all the time? Find a code word, like “marshmallows” that tells them they are asking a question they already know the answer to and use it whenever they ask nonsense questions.
Kid: “What’s for dinner (while they are staring at you cooking a hamburger)”
Kid: “When are we going to get there?” (on a trip they have been on 100 times).
Parent: “When we pass the sign with the marshmallows on it.”
Kid: “Do I have to do my homework?”
Parent: “Just do it until you get to the part about the marshmallows.”
It might drive them crazy, but it keeps you a little more sane while you focus on a fun way to fit more marshmallows into your life.
Laugh together over silly jokes or silly things they say. Make sure you are laughing with not at. No one like to feel like people are laughing at them but laughing together as a family brings your family closer and reminds us why we brought these “no-rent paying, mess making little people,” as my husband likes to say, into your home in the first place.
How do you laugh with your family? Please fell free to share a funny story that makes you smile 🙂
- Making Peace With Your Inner Critic
- Happy Parent Tip #1
- Why Sexual Abuse is Never a Child’s Fault…Not Even a Teenager
- Naming Patterns Changes Patterns
- This is your brain on attachment
- Last Chance for Two Great Opportunities
- Mother’s Retreat Weekend- It’s Really Happening!
- Stopping the Parent Shame and Blame Game
- Making Peace With Your Inner Critic
- Putting together something fun for you!
- Quick Jobs for Kids
- Staying Strong as a Couple