Parent Affirmation Monday- Respect- 10/15/2012

Right-Wing Republicans vs. Corporate Democrats vs. Progressive Populists (Photo credit: Truthout.org)
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
As we continue the election season in the United States, it seems easier and easier to get caught up in the polarity between candidates, especially regarding their moral values and beliefs about who should do what, where, when and why. We hear arguments about religious and moral beliefs, personal freedom and equality. We are reminded from candidates on both sides that our vote is a vote for our own value system even though I am sure many of us have values that do not always align 100% with either candidate.
One opportunity our election system gives us is to model for our children the ideas of individual freedom, respect and personal self-expression. With all the discussion about bullying in schools, we have the opportunity at home to show children how to disagree with someone, their politics, their moral stance, their opinion about a particular candidate, while refraining from making sweeping statements about everyone on either sides personal characteristics.
I had an opportunity to do this in my own family this week. We talk about politics a lot and keep our children informed of events as they unfold as well as discuss with them our particular point of view on the topics at hand. The other day, my youngest daughter referred to people who support one of the candidates in the upcoming election as “stupid.” It gave me a chance to really check my own internal talk about people with a different point of view than mine. It is so easy to say that people supporting the “other” candidate, whatever that means in your house, are wrong, misinformed, “stupid,” especially when there are particularly important issues being worked out.
In my state, in addition to the presidential election we are voting on issues like the Dream Act, marriage rights for gay and lesbian couples, and whether to expand gambling casinos. While I am not always quiet in my posts about my opinions on these subjects and where they come from, I hope for you and for my children, that I have always been respectful. When my daughter called supporters of our “other” candidate stupid, I was quick to remind her that while she may not agree with their thoughts on the issues, it is important to be mindful that when we make a sweeping statement like that we are often including family members and friends that are essential to our lives. We talked about other statements that would be more accurate such as, “I don’t agree with them.” “Maybe they don’t think about this subject the same way I do.” And “I don’t understand the reasons they think that way and maybe we need to talk about it some more….”
While candidates may not always play along with our sense of right and wrong, or respectful dialogue, we can still model this for our children. And, if someone makes a statement we disagree with strongly, we can direct our disagreement toward them, rather than overgeneralizing. If you agree, please feel free to use the following affirmation:
I am respectful to others and they are respectful to me. I model for my children the ways to disagree in a loving, courteous tone.
What I love about affirmations is that you do not always have to agree with the original statement, for example “they are respectful to me” because as we turn our attention to the possibility of something, we tend to see it more than we did before. Look for the ways in which people are respectful and courteous, especially people who disagree with you. Point it out to your children. Show it to them yourself.
Related articles
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Parent Affirmation Monday- Procrastination- 10/1/2012
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
Don’t skip this one or save it for later! This weeks affirmation is about procrastination. I’ve mentioned a wonderful lady in passing a few times, but this week, I want to highlight her fabulous work on helping us to procrastinate less. She has been instrumental in my life by helping me to get to a place where I feel like my home is together enough so that I can do a quick 10 minute pick-up before people come over in order for my home to be presentable. Hearing someone is dropping by no longer causes panic because my house is messy. More than anything, this person has helped me with procrastination and, by following her methods, even when they feel silly, I have gotten my home and procrastination under control enough to feel like I had more time to do things I really, really love to do- like writing a blog, spending quality time with my children and actually enjoying the birthday parties I have for them at my home.
This wonderful lady calls herself the Flylady. You can find her here. If you ever feel your life is in need of organization or you feel like you need help getting yourself to do something you do not want to do, I would highly recommend that you check her out. She helped me sail through the holiday season, on track, unruffled and on budget last year. Her genius is in breaking down big tasks into smaller tasks, creating workable, individualized routines and doing things you don’t like for a short period of time (a max of 15 minutes per task). So, don’t put it off! Check her out.
You know procrastination keeps you feeling weighed down more and more. The longer you put off something, the bigger it becomes in your mind. So, don’t delay, check out the Flylady*, focus on a task you have been putting off and say this affirmation, which includes something Flylady says a lot:
I breeze through the tasks I have been putting off. I look forward to the feeling I have when I complete something on my list. I can do anything for 15 minutes.
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Parent Affirmation Monday- Being a Learner 9/24/2012
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
Sometimes as parents we can forget that our children have to experience things on a daily basis where they are challenged to learn and grow like exploring new school material as well as new people and places that feel foreign to them. Even teenagers must go to new classes and meet new teachers each school year. Just think if you had seven or more new bosses to meet and the bosses changed each year.
Children adopted at an older age, and/or traumatized children have it even harder. Not only are they challenged to stretch themselves at school, but home may also be a place where they are challenged to try to do new things that feel different to them. For children adopted at an older age, they may not be accustomed to a forever family that has rules and boundaries. I remember one child in particular who was perplexed at the rule her foster family had about not putting a hairbrush on the table. Even foods may seem different to these kids. Gregory Keck, rightly points out in his book, Parenting Adopted Adolescents*, that children who have been in multiple homes tend to gravitate toward pizza, chicken nuggets and mac and cheese because they taste the most consistent in different homes and children, like adults,often crave safe and familiar foods and activities.
As adults, we can forget that feeling of being pushed to try unfamiliar things. We can become complacent about going outside of our comfort zones and becoming learners again. While there may be tasks at work or home that we do not like doing, it is less often that we are pushed to learn something completely new. It is important as parents that we can connect to that place of being a learner, just outside of our comfort zone, so we can remember what it is like for our children and to model that it is okay and even good to be an ongoing learner in life.
Our affirmation this week is:
I am open to the many learning opportunities that cross my path. I learn and grow every day.
Now, we get learning opportunities everyday, but this week, I want you to reach a little further. If you have a partner, think about having them teach you to do something they normally do like cook, or change the oil in the car. If that does not work for you, pick up a book about something you have always wanted to learn about but never gave yourself permission or time. Find out about how to use your finances wisely, give yourself a challenge to “go green,” or try a new kind of exercise class.
What will you do this week to expand your horizons?

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So if you’re feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending. (Photo credit: deeplifequotes)
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*see disclaimer page
Teaching Children to Use Affirmations
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
All my regular readers know I am a fan of affirmations. I use them for parents all the time. I also find them to be very useful with children, especially for children who have a history of trauma or neglect. For these kids, and other children, teaching them the use of affirmations is another tool in their coping skills tool kit and can teach children who may never have learned to regulate their emotions a new way to self-soothe.
An affirmation is something you say to yourself. Positive thoughts affirm positive feelings. Negative thoughts affirm negative feelings. Both are affirmations. The trick is to decide what it is that you choose to affirm.
When teaching children about affirmations, I typically go through the following process.
1. I pick something a child is talking to me about that bothers them, say a friend who is being mean to them, and have them practice two different types of statements they might say to themselves about the friend while noticing how they feel after saying the statement a few times. For example, we might say, “She’s mad at me for no reason!” a few times. We talk about how the child’s body feels as she says that statement a few times. Then we try an alternate statement, “I have many friends who love me. I deserve loving friends.” We notice what happens in our bodies after saying this statement as well. I teach children that the statements we just learned are called affirmations.
2. I read children the book, “I Think, I Am!” by Louise Hayand Kristina Tracy to further introduce the concept of affirmations and show examples. I have never read this book to a child who did not love it and want their own copy.*
3. We practice together with creating affirmations and pick one or two for kids to work on that week.
Do’s and Don’ts for helping children create affirmations
1. One major pitfall I see parents fall into when they help children create affirmations happens when they place an expectation on a child that might not be realistic or does not align with the child’s goals. “I can get an A on that Math test!” is a surefire way for a child struggling in math to feel like affirmation’s fail. A more general, “I am always learning and growing.” works much better since it is true and does not lead to the argument, “But I’ll never get an A in math!”
2. Be careful about believing there is only one positive way for things to turn out. It may be best for this friendship to end. Not making the team may open up a child to a new experience with a different sport they never would have tried otherwise. You can avoid this mistake by gearing affirmations toward a positive belief system ( I like Louise Hay’s, “Everything is always working toward my greater good.” or “The universe (God, spirit) has wonderful plans in store for me.”) rather than a specific outcome.
3. Allow children to come up with affirmations that work for them. Keep it simple. I remember my daughter telling her nose, “I’m ready to be healthy now.” when she was four. That was a message she wanted to give her body and she got better the next day. I do not mean to minimize any illness, but I do want to highlight that by telling our bodies what we want, we are programming them. Think of the difference between saying, “I’m fighting a cold.” and “I’m returning to health.” One tells your body to fight, the other tells your body to return to its natural, healthy state. If you do not believe that your body responds to your thoughts, I like Cheryl Richardson’s way of saying explaining this. She asks whether you have ever had a sexual fantasy and noticed a difference in your body. Hmmm? The more we research this, the more we learn about the connection between thoughts and physical health. Still don’t believe me? You might want to read this article from the Mayo Clinic.
4. Use affirmations yourself! When kids see you use them, they follow suit, it’s as simple as that. You know there are times when you hear your words come out of your children’s mouths. Sometimes it feels good to hear it, sometimes it’s not so good. Using affirmations yourself gives you more of the good ones.
5. Beware of glossing over negative feelings. Affirmations help us to see the positive in negative situations, but that does not mean that we pretend there are no negative feelings involved. It is important to still acknowledge the negative feelings i.e. “I’m disappointed I didn’t make the team!” but to then use affirmations to chose a way to self-soothe by choosing what you are going to believe about not making the team. “I’m disappointed I didn’t make the team, but I know I can still find other ways to have fun.”
Have you used affirmations with your children? What’s your favorite affirmation to use with your child?
*If you want your own copy, you can easily purchase this book by clicking on the Amazon widgets link at the top right on my webpage. Please see the disclaimer page before doing so.
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Parent Affirmation Monday- sleep 9/10/2012
Written by, Kate Oliver, LCSW-C
How often do we argue with our children about going to bed? Every night? We argue with them because we know that getting enough sleep each night is important so that they can have a healthy, productive day the next day. As parents we all go through a time of wonder as we watch children fight sleep at night and naps during the day while we are on the opposite end wishing we could take that nap, or thinking how much we would like to go to sleep at 8 pm! At the same time, we engage in some of the same battles internally about sleep.
How often do you find yourself sitting in front of the television or trying to get one more thing done while thinking you need to turn off the t.v., or put down the work and go to bed? I personally remember sitting up and either folding clothes, or watching television or both, while knowing I needed sleep more than anything else. I also remember when my kids were little, I would stay up later than I knew was good for me and I would say to myself, “This is the only time I get for me in a day! I’m going to get some “me time.” Meanwhile, my “me time,” that included staying up too late, cost me my patience, my positive attitude, and sometimes even my health. People who get enough sleep are happier, healthier and more productive at work, and at home. Did you know getting enough sleep is even tied to maintaining a healthier weight? It is because when your body is trying to please you by staying awake as you tell it you would like to, it requests foods (like carbohydrates and sugars) that will give it a little more pep.
So, this week, I would like us to do positive affirmations for sleep. I would also like to give you an exercise you can do for yourself and for your children. I learned this from Wayne Dyer. For the last five minutes before you drift off to sleep, instead of thinking of all the things you did not accomplish today that you meant to, and stressing out about all you have to do tomorrow that you are not looking forward to, pick something that is a goal for you. Lie in your bed and imagine that your goal has been achieved. Think about how it feels to have achieved your goal. This sets up your mind for a positive day the next day and helps you to have fewer anxiety dreams if that is a problem for you.
This weeks affirmation is:
I give myself the gift of getting as much sleep as my body needs. I teach my children positive sleep habits by modeling them.
I know some of you are out there saying that you would sleep better if your children did. If this is an issue for you, I would recommend the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth. My friends and I secretly call this book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Mommy. This book covers sleep issues at all ages and stages. While some people have stated that they think the book advocates allowing children to cry it out, a closer read will show that this is not what the author actually says. He advocates looking for your young children’s signs that they are sleepy, teaches you what those signs are, and gives you guidance in how to educate yourself and your children about sleep. You can find his book on Amazon by clicking the link titled Amazon Widgets at the top right of this page to go directly to amazon.
Sweet Dreams.
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