Parent Affirmation Monday- Accepting- 11/5/2012
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
The third aspect of the PLACE parenting attitude, which I have been highlighting in our weekly affirmations is accepting. This element of PLACE parenting refers to the idea of accepting all feelings that your child has. This is important for all children but especially for traumatized or attachment disordered children. When used as part of parenting, it also significantly reduces the number of fruitless discussions we have with our children about whether they should feel that way or not. All parents get caught in these battles, often with good intentions, however the result is still the same in that children end up feeling as though they are not being validated. It goes like this:
Child: I hate my picture.
Parent: What do you mean? That picture looks great! I love it. I really like the colors you used.
Child: I hate it. It’s awful! (buries head down)
While arguing with a child about how great their picture is (and, let’s be honest, sometimes there is room for improvement), understandable because we want our children to feel good about themselves, there is an alternative. Here is what acceptance looks like:
Child: I hate my picture.
Parent: What is it that you don’t like about it?
Child: All of it. I don’t like the way it turned out. I think it’s horrible.
Parent (empathic): It’s tough when pictures don’t work out the way you want them to.
While there is nothing wrong with encouraging your child to take a second look at a picture to help them see the parts that can be good, often this is best done and most accepted by children after their feelings have been listened to. Just think about the last argument you had with a significant other to see if you felt the issue was resolved without them seeing your side of things, whether they agreed or not. Over time, what happens with children who feel as though they are constantly being talked out of their own feelings, and begin to question whether the things they think are true or not. Fast forward to adulthood and you see adults in relationships that in their hearts they know are not good or healthy but which they continue to maintain, etc. because not listening to their inner voices has become routine. Additionally, by accepting that you child is questioning whether perhaps they could improve their picture, you are encouraging them to try harder to be satisfied for themselves. This encourages internal motivation to do and be better, rather than encourages complacency.
All this is what makes the acceptance of a child’s feelings so, so important. And, just to make you feel better, here is the second part of the conversation that you get to have after acceptance:
Parent: I wonder if there are any parts of the picture you do like.
Child: Only the color I used.
Parent: Hey, that’s what I was thinking I liked. That is a good color. What do you think you want to do next?
This conversation can go in many different directions from here, but all of them are good, right?
Here is our affirmation for this week:
I accept all feelings that I or the people I love have. All feelings are valid.
I would love to start a conversation about some of the feelings we parents find it harder to accept about how to get to the point of acceptance. Please feel free to share any struggles or achievements you have had with this issue.
Below, I have also linked to a post I read last week, “The Great Invalidator,” which speaks to the word “but” and the ways in which it invalidates a child’s feelings and thought processes, another article about acceptance, written in a different way.
Related articles
- Parent Affirmation Monday- 10/29/2012- Love (help4yourfamily.com)
- Parent Affirmation Monday- playful- 10/22/2012 (help4yourfamily.com)
- PLACE Parenting for Children with Attachment Disturbance (help4yourfamily.com)
- The Great Invalidator Heard at a Recent Parent Weekend (horizonfamilysolutions.wordpress.com)
Rate this:
Related
November 5, 2012 - Posted by help4yourfamily | affirmations, child development, discipline, help for parents | Child, Children Youth and Family, Family, Home, Kate Oliver, List of credentials in psychology, Magazines and E-zines, parent
5 Comments »
What are your thoughts? Cancel reply
About me
Kate Oliver, LCSW-C (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) has been a clinician working with traumatized and attachment-disturbed children for almost two decades. She is co-owner of A Healing Place, a private practice in Columbia, Maryland, since 2007.
At the beginning of her career, Kate found that while some children responded to traditional child therapy practices, there were a significant number of children who showed little or no improvement in their overall emotional well-being. This led her to seek out specialized training to learn more about attachment, the bond between parents and children, and found that by using attachment-based strategies in addition to treating trauma, even the most challenging children and their parents, saw major, life-changing shifts, not only for the children she was working with, but the parents as well.
Early in her career, Kate was privileged to work as the clinical director for Tamar’s Children, a program that took pregnant, incarcerated women from prison to a treatment facility that worked on teaching the women to bond with and attach to their babies, while also helping the women to heal their own broken attachments, and history of trauma and addiction. This program was internationally recognized for having a successful, evidence-based practice using an attachment-based model. From working with some of the most severely disenfranchised parents, Kate received important information about how to help all parents maintain a happy, healthy relationship with their children.
In 2007, Kate co-founded A Healing Place, a mental health private group practice in Columbia, Maryland, where she focuses on working with families with children who have a history of trauma and/or attachment disturbances. A board certified supervisor, Kate has been an invited presenter to teach continuing education courses for other social workers and psychologists. In her courses, Kate teaches attachment-building techniques and presents about her sub-specialty, working with families headed by gay and lesbian parents. Kate has also worked as a trainer for Building Families for Children, a therapeutic foster care agency.
Kate is a former board member for the organization COLAGE, a non-profit group that works toward community building for people with gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender parents. She is currently a member of Attachment Disorders Maryland, a group that works to educate parents and professionals about working with children with attachment related issues. She is a Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Practitioner and Educator.
Kate lives in Columbia, Maryland is the mother of two amazing daughters, the partner to a fantastic husband, and the daughter of one mother and two gay dads. She loves to read any book that crosses her path, write (of course), and she recently started dancing again, a passion she has had since her youth.
Kate can be reached by email: helpforyourfamily@gmail.com for questions or you can find her on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/Help4yourfamily.
-
Recent
- 6 Tips for Connecting with Your Teenager
- Updates and New Content on the Way
- Making Peace With Your Inner Critic
- Happy Parent Tip #1
- Why Sexual Abuse is Never a Child’s Fault…Not Even a Teenager
- Naming Patterns Changes Patterns
- This is your brain on attachment
- Last Chance for Two Great Opportunities
- Mother’s Retreat Weekend- It’s Really Happening!
- Stopping the Parent Shame and Blame Game
- Making Peace With Your Inner Critic
- Putting together something fun for you!
-
Links
Recommended Readings
Categories
- adolescence
- affirmations
- attachment
- attachment disorder
- blog awards and recognition
- child development
- children
- counseling
- development
- discipline
- family
- Groups/ trainings
- health insurance
- help for parents
- Help for struggling parents
- keeping children safe
- kids
- mental health
- parent support/ self improvement
- Parenting
- psychology
- relationship issues
- resources/ book reviews
- social services
- Suicide
- teens
- thinking about therapy?
- Uncategorized
-
Join 559 other subscribers
help4yourfamily
-
Recent Posts
Archives
Reblogged this on Childs Play Counseling Services and commented:
A very good article for parents to remind them that as parents we should validate all of our children’s feelings, not to just try to change their feelings when they voice those that we aren’t comfortable with.
This is a very good article that as a counselor we have learned this, but parents need to understand their child’s feelings and not just try to “fix” a feeling that they might be uncomfortable with.
Thank you for your support on this issue. I love the PLACE Parenting teachings because I think it does such a good job of making this concept understandable to parents. I teach it to the parents I work with, with success and use it as a parent myself. I appreciate your reblogging the post 🙂
Thanks again,
Kate
[…] Parent Affirmation Monday- Accepting- 11/5/2012 (help4yourfamily.com) […]
Pingback by Parent Affirmation Monday- Curious- 11/12/12 « help4yourfamily | November 12, 2012 |
[…] Parent Affirmation Monday- Accepting- 11/5/2012 (help4yourfamily.com) […]
Pingback by Parent Affirmation Monday- Empathic- 11/17/2012 « help4yourfamily | November 19, 2012 |