End the Hassle! Tell kids what they deserve.
Hey Dad..! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Today’s parenting tip that I have for you is so simple but it could change so many of the more frustrating conversations you have with your children. Are you ready? When your children are hounding you about doing something you don’t think is a good idea, instead of saying no and negotiating back and forth about when they can, how much, why not, etc. try framing the issue in terms of what they deserve. You know how this usually goes. You tell your child they can’t do something or they have to do something and they start to argue and negotiate. Why can’t I? All the other kids do! You’re mean! Until you wonder if it was really important in the first place, or their arguments become so darned sophisticated that they have convinced you to go against your better judgement in regard to their health and safety. Telling your kids what they deserve can end some of that and help you to keep focused on the main goal, the health and safety of your children. It looks like this:
Example 1:
Kid: Mom, the other kids in my class don’t have to sit in a booster car seat any more! (feel free to imagine this as a whine)
Mom: You deserve to be as safe as possible and the booster keeps you safe.
Example 2:
Kid: Why can’t I have another cookie? I only had a few!
Mom: You deserve to be healthy, let’s give your body the food it deserves.
Example 3:
Kid: Hey Dad, can I go to Joe’s party this weekend?
Dad: Will there be adults present?
Kid: But Dad! You don’t trust me?! I never get to do anything!
Dad: You deserve to be safe.
Framing your decisions this way will not save you from eye-rolls, huffing and puffing, or pouting all together. Nothing saves you from those things completely, but it may shorten some of the duration. It also saves some of the mental gymnastics for you. For every arguement they come up with about the same issue, you can stop and ponder for a moment, then repeat how much you feel as though they really deserve to be safe, healthy, free from hurtful relationship or friendships, etc. After all, it is difficult to argue back with someone telling you how important you are over and over. Also, remember that our internal self talk is shaped by the way we were spoken to by our parents. Wouldn’t you prefer that your child’s self talk as they grow be “I deserve to eat healthy foods” over “don’t eat that, it’s bad for you?”
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About me
Kate Oliver, LCSW-C (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) has been a clinician working with traumatized and attachment-disturbed children for almost two decades. She is co-owner of A Healing Place, a private practice in Columbia, Maryland, since 2007.
At the beginning of her career, Kate found that while some children responded to traditional child therapy practices, there were a significant number of children who showed little or no improvement in their overall emotional well-being. This led her to seek out specialized training to learn more about attachment, the bond between parents and children, and found that by using attachment-based strategies in addition to treating trauma, even the most challenging children and their parents, saw major, life-changing shifts, not only for the children she was working with, but the parents as well.
Early in her career, Kate was privileged to work as the clinical director for Tamar’s Children, a program that took pregnant, incarcerated women from prison to a treatment facility that worked on teaching the women to bond with and attach to their babies, while also helping the women to heal their own broken attachments, and history of trauma and addiction. This program was internationally recognized for having a successful, evidence-based practice using an attachment-based model. From working with some of the most severely disenfranchised parents, Kate received important information about how to help all parents maintain a happy, healthy relationship with their children.
In 2007, Kate co-founded A Healing Place, a mental health private group practice in Columbia, Maryland, where she focuses on working with families with children who have a history of trauma and/or attachment disturbances. A board certified supervisor, Kate has been an invited presenter to teach continuing education courses for other social workers and psychologists. In her courses, Kate teaches attachment-building techniques and presents about her sub-specialty, working with families headed by gay and lesbian parents. Kate has also worked as a trainer for Building Families for Children, a therapeutic foster care agency.
Kate is a former board member for the organization COLAGE, a non-profit group that works toward community building for people with gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender parents. She is currently a member of Attachment Disorders Maryland, a group that works to educate parents and professionals about working with children with attachment related issues. She is a Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Practitioner and Educator.
Kate lives in Columbia, Maryland is the mother of two amazing daughters, the partner to a fantastic husband, and the daughter of one mother and two gay dads. She loves to read any book that crosses her path, write (of course), and she recently started dancing again, a passion she has had since her youth.
Kate can be reached by email: helpforyourfamily@gmail.com for questions or you can find her on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/Help4yourfamily.
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Thanks for this – any tips on what level of understanding the child should have before implementing this? Meaning, how old generally can the child be to understand the concept of ‘deserving’? Any different methods for younger kids ? Is it ok to say for example, too many cookies will hurt your tummy and then mummy will be sad?
Kids can be pretty young and still get this one but if you think your child is too young to understand “deserve,” I might word it something like, “Your body likes it when you eat fruits and veggies more than cookies. Even if your tongue doesn’t like it, your tummy and your bones feel better and it makes you stronger.” The idea behind this one is to help the child become internally motivated to do the behavior (I like this, even if I didn’t recognize it at first) rather than what the parent wants. As I am sure you have noticed, the temptation for sugar tends to trump pleasing the parent. Does that explain it? Thank you for the excellent question.
This post shows a great shift of the focus to what the meaning of what these discussions are really about in the first place. Basic underlying principles of safety, health, happiness, and our love for our children.
Thank you.
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