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Create the family you want to have

Parent Affirmation Monday- playful- 10/22/2012

Silly Furry Saturday!

Silly Furry Saturday! (Photo credit: Buntekuh)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

Last week, I wrote about the PLACE Parenting attitude, as taught by Dr. Dan Hughes. For the next few weeks, I want to focus on each of the different parts of the PLACE attitude.

Our first attribute of this attitude is playful. I have to admit that as a parent, this is actually the most difficult part for me, which is actually pretty funny considering I started my career as a therapist as a “play therapist.” However, while my husband is pretty good at finding a silly answer to my children when they are grumbling about something, I’m too busy trying to figure out how to “fix” what I think is going wrong. Well, last week, I had a little breakthrough and I thought I might share it with you to show you what I mean about being playful.

My oldest daughter likes shopping for clothes almost as much as she liked getting a root canal last year. Actually, I heard less grumbling during the root canal. I’ve bought enough clothes that have disappeared into her drawers never to be seen again, or just to be outright rejected to know that I’m not spending money on clothes she has not picked. As a result, she and I have had a building issue about clothes shopping such that I myself have imagined the welcome relief of giving a cat a bath rather than taking her shopping. Long story short, what we were doing was not working despite my trying to process each interaction that went poorly when it came to clothes shopping. Recently, I decided to get playful.

If you haven’t heard of the gangnam style of dancing, you might want to check it out on Youtube (the dance starts around 30 seconds in). Let me give a brief descriptor: the gangnam dance is a sort of galloping style where sometimes you put one hand over your head like you are going to rope cattle at a rodeo. I downloaded the song on itunes and put it on my cell phone. Before leaving to go get winter pants with my darling eldest, I pulled her aside and said to her that I wanted things to go well. I put my arm around her and smiled while I told her that I had a plan for what to do if she got snippy or sassy with me. I proceeded to turn on the song and, to her horror, starting dancing/galloping around the living room. We both laughed pretty hard, but I ended by suggesting that if she found it so funny, she might like to see it in public as well.

And so it happened. Right there in JCPenny’s, going up the escalator my normally sweet, but now snarly girl said something  about me being fat- I’ve already forgotten what it was but it wasn’t nice. I took a breath, asked her in a serious tone if she knew what I had to do now, then, again, to her horror, I turned on that song. Right. There. In. JCPenny. (So sorry if you were there and happened to see that! It was necessary.) We both ended up laughing- I probably laughed hardest. And, we moved on. I didn’t hiss at her in the dressing room to get back at her. I didn’t feel the need to “make her pay” further. She apologized, sincerely almost as soon as the words came out of her mouth, but you know I still had to dance anyway.

When you can, if you can, be playful with your children. Find a way to make them, or at least yourself, smile. Show them how to rise above a nasty comment with a laugh and a grin. Show them how we, as adults, are able to stop taking ourselves so darn seriously all the time! With that being said, here is the affirmation this week:

I find ways to be funny and playful with my children. I welcome moments of unexpected silliness.

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October 22, 2012 Posted by | affirmations, help for parents, parent support/ self improvement, Parenting | , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

PLACE Parenting for Children with Attachment Disturbance

A mother holds up her child.

A mother holds up her child. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

When you have a child with any sort of attachment disturbance, you also have a child that is very good at making you feel like you don’t know what you are doing.  In one training I went to on attachment disturbance, the presenter, Art Becker-Weidman said one of the parents he worked with described it something like this:  ‘It’s like you as the parent are the control station for a radio station, then the kids come up and play with all the buttons until they find one that gets the response they are looking for.  When they find that button that gets them what they want, they just keep flipping the switch over and over again.’  I have used this description with the parents that come through my own practice and find it resonates deeply with them as well.  What to do when you have a child that is constantly pushing your buttons and finding creative ways to make you feel like you don’t have a clue what you are doing?

Daniel Hughes and Art Becker-Weidman are working to popularize a parenting attitude that really can work wonders if parents are able to maintain it when they have an attachment disordered child (or any child for that matter).  It is called the PLACE mentality, it stands for: Playful, Loving, Accepting, Curious, Empathic.  I find that while the words are familiar it can be easy to misinterpret the meanings of those words in this particular context so let’s look at each word to see what we are talking about when it comes to parenting children using the PLACE mentality.

Playful–  The most common misinterpretation of this quality is that parents believe I want them to throw a parade in their child’s honor every time they do something desirable to the parent.  What I mean by playful is just finding an approach that has a less authoritarian tone.  Instead of telling kids where to go to find their glasses, encourage them to play a little game with you where they have to look at your face for them to give you a hint where the glasses are.  When they look into your face and lie, come up with a playful response “That’s a good one.  I’ve always known you were creative.  Tell me another!”  Often being playful can help everyone tone it down a notch.  If you have a child with a history of abuse or neglect, it can also keep them from getting triggered into believing that they are in huge trouble and helps prevent them from going into fight or flight mode so that you have some chance of them hearing some of the words you are saying.  A way to really get playful is to learn from a parent that really gets this stuff.  Christine Moers is a mom raising adopted children with attachment issues.  She posts vlogs on youtube to help other parents (and to keep herself sane).  Her video blog:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDAALaVG27k&feature=fvwrel is a wonderful example of how to discipline in a playful way.   I would recommend you look at her videos when you need help staying sane.

Loving– When I think of saying things in a loving way to children, what really helps me to stay in that place is remembering my purpose for saying the words in the first place. Yes, ultimately I may be asking my child to do a task because I want it done. But the bigger picture reason for asking children to do a task is to teach them so that they know how to do it, to give them a system for tackling problems, to get them into the routine of caring for themselves and planning how to fit everything into a schedule, or something else like that. In the end, our job as parents is to make it so that our children no longer need us in order to make it through the day. When we remember that we are asking our children to do something because we love them and want them to be happy, healthy adults, we can state requests in a more loving way. By remembering this, I believe the primary change is our tone of voice, which makes a world of difference to children with attachment disturbance.

Accepting– One trap I see so many parents walk into is the argument with their child(ren) about whether their child is having a reasonable feeling or not.  Both the child and parent find this is a way to feel crazy pretty quickly and I would like to present an alternative…acceptance.  Here is how it goes, maybe it sounds familiar:

Child comes down to breakfast dressed in a completely inappropriate outfit for school

Parent (being curious):  Wow, is there something going on at school today?  That’s an interesting outfit.

Child: I knew you wouldn’t let me wear it!  You never let me wear anything I want!  You’re such a witch!  You want me to be the ugliest girl in school!

Parent (accepting):  That made you mad.  I can see how you would be mad if you thought I wanted you to be the ugliest girl in school.

It’s that simple- do not engage in an argument about whether you want her to be the ugliest girl in school!  If that is her belief in that moment, accept that her feeling is appropriate for the interpretation.

Curious– In my office, I often frame this curiosity as being a “feelings detective.”  I tell kids I ask lots of questions because I am a very curious person and sometimes it takes me a while to understand things.  Get curious about your children.  In the above example, rather than arguing about who wants whom to look ugly, you might get curious about it.  “I wonder what made you think I wanted you to look ugly when I asked about your outfit.”  Another way to help with getting kids to understand you are curious (not judgmental) is to say something along the lines of, “I’m curious what got you so mad because I don’t want you to feel that way again. ”  When they tell you what got them mad, again make sure you avoid arguing about whether that is really what happened (accepting) and then …empathize.

Empathy– Empathy looks like this,” If I thought someone felt that way about me/ said that to me/said that about me I can see how you would feel mad/sad/ scared too.”  That’s all empathy is being able to see something from the viewpoint of another person.  Empathy does not involve any discussion about whether someone is right or wrong for feeling the way they are feeling.

So, why does this work?  It works because our children with attachment disturbance find the things we need to do most often, educate, speak with authority, and parenting, to name a few, to be triggers to them of things that remind them of times they were hurt or  neglected.  When kids do not learn the typical role of parents early on, they easily misinterpret the actions of parents.  Using the PLACE mentality is one way of reducing the number of triggers for your child, not to mention that it just makes parenting more fun.  I use it with my own securely attached children as well.  Of course, this is a very quick overview of the PLACE mentality.  It is important that if you feel you are in a position with your child(ren) where you need to utilize the PLACE attitude more and could use support in doing so, that you see a therapist that has an attachment informed practice.

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October 18, 2012 Posted by | attachment, attachment disorder, help for parents, parent support/ self improvement | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Parent Affirmation Monday- work- 10/8/2012

gratitude and rust

gratitude and rust (Photo credit: shannonkringen)

written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

Whether you have a job outside of your home or not, we all have aspects of our work that we don’t necessarily look forward to. However, when you think about it, there is always a reason we chose the work we do. Perhaps it pays the bills, meets a logistical need, keeps you closer to your family, or maybe your job right now, is to look for another job to meet your needs. Regardless, there are sometimes days when it feels difficult to see anything but the parts of your job that don’t feel so good. On these days, I encourage you to use this affirmation:

I love my work for all of the blessings it brings to my life.

What does your work have to do with your parenting? The way that we tackle any tasks we are not necessarily looking forward to teaches our children how to handle these moments as well. Do we look at hard work with gratitude because of all the good it affords us in our lives, or do we grumble and moan while letting it stack up until the tough parts seem too big to handle? Either way, whether we like it or not, we are modeling for our children how to get the more difficult aspects of life handled. And, either way, the job gets done eventually (we hope) so why not do it remembering the best parts of why we do what we do for work?

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October 8, 2012 Posted by | affirmations | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Parent Affirmation Monday- self-care 9/3/2012

Reading a book

Reading a book (Photo credit: Ed Yourdon)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

If you are like most parents I see in my practice and you read the title and know this week is about self-care, you might be thinking about skipping this weeks affirmation. Don’t! It might be the most important affirmation of all. We have all heard the warning on the airplane where we are instructed that should the pressure drop and the air masks come down from the ceiling we need to put the masks on ourselves first. Have you ever thought why that might be the instruction? Well, think about it. If you, like most parents, would have the impulse to help your child first and put the mask on them, then you run out of time to put the mask on yourself, there you are passed out and unable to help your child. You are not able to make sure they keep the mask on, stay calm and exit should there be an emergency landing.  Your children end up taking care of you when you do not take care of yourself.

Let’s give an example on a more practical level, because really, how often are you going to need to put an air mask on your child in an airplane? Hopefully never. But what about this? Think about a time when your house was messy. I hope for you this is harder to do than it was for me. Are there days when you felt capable of cleaning your messy home, or at least part of it and you tackled the job? I bet there have also been days when you could not stand to look at it and the thought of cleaning it just made you feel overwhelmed and awful. What is the difference? Was your house messier on the bad day or was it just that your internal state was different? The same is true with our children. When we feel depleted we feel less able to tackle the issues with them as they come along. Rather than handling a bump in the road like forgotten homework or lost shoes or a ornery child the way we would like, we lose it and go into fight or flight mode, constantly reacting without giving real-time or attention to workable solutions that feel good to you and help your child.

Besides minimizing it’s importance, another thing that keeps parents from self-care is the faulty belief that it costs money or takes too much time. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, if you can get a day at the spa or go play golf with your friends, that’s great but you do not have to spend a lot of time and money on self-care. The idea is to be aware that you are doing it when you are taking care of yourself and to enhance the moment with gratitude for how smart you were to fit it in.

Some quick and easy ideas for self-care: You know how you put a note in your child’s lunch sometimes just to be nice? Get a post-it note, write- “You are amazing” put it in your gym bag or your treadmill and get a smile the next time you open your bag to do something for yourself. You know how you get your kids a special snack at the grocery store? Grab yourself that lotion you wanted to try. Every night before bed, use it. By the way, I know several men who put lotion on their feet at night and sleep with socks on who have very happy significant others because there are no more scratchy feet. It takes less than one minute. You are worth 30 seconds right? Instead of grabbing a bag of chips or a cigarette, treat yourself to a few nice deep breaths. Put a poem or inspirational quote by your desk at work and say it to yourself.  You know how you think of things to entertain your kids when you take them places? Remember to put a book in the car for you to read- maybe one of those meditation a day books. I particularly enjoy Melody Beattie’s Language of Letting Go Meditation Series of books. You can sit in your car while you wait for the kids to get out of school, or for those few minutes your infant or toddler is sleeping in the car before you wake them up and read a page of inspiration and reflection. Poof! Self-care.

This weeks affirmation is:

I give myself permission to take care of me. I know that when I do, I am a better parent.

P.S.- It’s good to be back from vacation. I missed you all! Later this week, I’m going to send out a request that I think will help us all with self care.

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September 3, 2012 Posted by | affirmations | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Parent Affirmation Monday- 8/13/2012- control

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

I care more about my child (or husband/wife, etc) than I care about this conflict.  

Zeke washing dishes

Zeke washing dishes (Photo credit: Nathan Rein)

How often do we get into it with our kids over something little?  Do you argue with your child about the right way to do something, or getting it done the way we want them to do it?  This week, I am challenging you to pay attention to how much you do this and whether you may be able to pull back that behavior a little bit to allow your children (or your spouse) to do it their way.

A recent study came out that says that mothers who feel as though they are the most essential component of their child’s life (over fathers even) are more likely to feel overwhelmed and depressed.  When we seek to control the actions of others (even our children), we are certain to get into a power struggle.  Yes, common parent knowledge these days says that if you give an order, you must follow through.  But how often are we demanding that things must be done only our way?  There is a happy medium between the constant negotiations we know children are capable of and completely avoiding all conflict.  Let’s try to find that for you with your children and with your adult relationships.

I distinctly remember when I realized my husband does some things better than I do with the children.  Honestly, I was a little put off.  My inner critic wanted to tell me I should know how to do everything better- being a child therapist and all, but, guess what?  He is better at playing with them, joking them out of a funk and getting them into and out of the bath without argument among other things.  This week, be open to the possibility that children and significant other adult relationships may do things differently in a way that might be just as good, or better than you expected.

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August 13, 2012 Posted by | affirmations | , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Parent Affirmation Monday- Boundaries 7/16/2012

Written by Kate Oliver, LCSW-C

English: Children at play in the 'Cottage Home...

Boundaries are tough for a lot of people, especially if they were not always honored for you while you were growing up in your family of origin.  They are also ever- changing.  The boundaries you have with your two-year old will be very different from those you have with your teenager.  Extenuating family circumstances and developmental issues can also play a major role in the boundaries we set with our children.

What I would like for each parent to take a moment to do this week is to really think about how your child will have many, many adults go in and out of their lives, but very few parents.  Your role is so special and unique for your child.  They look to you to show them the way to be in the world.  They want you to guide them and teach them how to feel peaceful and happy.  While it can seem like helping kids feel peaceful and happy means giving them free rein to explore, do and receive  as they wish, children actually seek and need you to set reasonable limits for them.  

You can see how important boundaries are when you look at children who seem to get all they want.  Watch the children you know in your lives that get the toys right when they want them and whose parents take them anywhere they want to go.  They are often the most demanding, unhappy children you will see.  Parents that fool themselves into thinking that they must meet all of their children’s desires in order to make them happy are actually breeding unhappiness in their children along with a search for more and more and the message that the issues inside can be resolved by “getting something” from the outside.  When children feel as though they are safely contained within the confines of a parental relationship where their parents are allowing them to explore in a way that is safe, and where they have limits, they feel better!

The affirmation for this week is:

I maintain healthy boundaries with my children.

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July 16, 2012 Posted by | affirmations | , , | 7 Comments

Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family! 7/9/2012- unique

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

Keeping Up with the Joneses

Keeping Up with the Joneses (Photo credit: teresia)

Most of us have heard that saying about “keeping up with the Joneses.”  It refers to our longing to have what others around us have and to fit into our perception of a “normal” family, but what if we all stopped?  What if everyone stopped trying to keep up with the Joneses and just worked on being the Smiths, the Olivers, the Mbutus, the Pierces, the Finklesteins, or whatever your last name is?  What would happen then?  What do we give up when we work so hard to be like everyone else?

I would venture to guess that when we strive to be like everyone else, we give up our own authenticity, our power, and our inner peace, yet, so many people who come through my doors each day struggle with feeling so different from everyone else with the assumption that different equals not as good as.

I am going to propose that different just means different, no more and no less.  I bet you can come up with a lot of people you have met who are different.  I bet some of you are way nicer about them being different than you are to yourself when you feel different.  Every family is different too.  Each family has its own eccentricities.  Maybe part of what attracts you to the Jones family is the thing that seems to make them unique.  It could be that they always seem to have some inside joke in their family, or that they have a family activity they do together like hiking or biking that makes them different.  Well, this week, we are going to focus on embracing what makes our family unique with this affirmation:

I love the experiences, values, and principles that make the family I am creating unique.  We celebrate our differences.

This is an important affirmation for all families, but I am going to highlight the importance of this affirmation for families with trans-racial adoptees.   In those families, or any families where a child does not necessarily look like his or her parent(s), finding similarities or unique qualities about your family that bind you together outside of the way that you look is so important.  In my family we have a special hand squeeze that we, and only we know, means “I love you.”  If I want to make my child feel special at any time, I give them the special squeeze- it does not embarrass them in front of their friends since no one else knows it is happening but the two of us, and sometimes they give me the squeeze and it always makes me smile.

I hope you enjoy this affirmation this week.  As with all affirmations, it is good to say it over and over to make it a part of your everyday thought process.

How is your family unique?  Please share.

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July 9, 2012 Posted by | affirmations | , , | 2 Comments

You Never Have to Say “No” Again!

English: My dad took this picture on the day t...

English: My dad took this picture on the day that I was the child host of the Mayor Art Show. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Do you ever just get tired of saying that word over and over again? You know, that word…no.  Now, if you have a really little one, no works.  It’s short and sweet for your short, sweet kids.  I am talking about the older kids.  The negotiators.  For the people who see me at my practice, I am also talking about the children who are traumatized or attachment compromised, and for whom “no” is a trigger word.  The word “no” for those kids is like a magical word that can instantly build a wall (or tornado) up between you and your child that does not allow them to hear the love that parents intend behind the word “no.”

Before anyone gets all upset that I am suggesting that this word crushes fragile egos and all that nonsense, I want to make it clear that I am not advocating fear of the word “no” for parents, nor am I suggesting that children should never have to hear that word.  Let’s not pretend that “no” is never going to be a word they hear.  I am thinking you might just be tired of saying it, or you might want another option, or, like I said, for traumatized, attachment disturbed children, I’m giving you a new way to help them learn to love (trust me, “no” is a word they are familiar with anyway so no worries there).

Are you interested in knowing how this works?  Here are the conversations as they are now:

Child: Mom, can I go to the mall?

Mom: No

Child: Whhhyyyyeeee? (how do they make why into a three syllable word?)

or

Child: Dad, can I have a cookie?

Dad: No, not right now.  Dinner’s coming.

Child: Just one?

Dad: No.

Child: Please?  I promise I’ll eat my dinner!

Do I really need to write the rest of that conversation?  You already have it playing in your head at this point, right?

Here is an alternative.  I got it from the helpful folks who wrote the book Parenting with Love and Logic (find it in my recommended readings at the top right on this page)* and I am going to show you how it can work for anything.

Child: Mom, can I go to the mall?

Mom: Sure you can…on Saturday.

Child: Not today?

Mom: I think we’ll have more time to go on Saturday.

or

Child: Dad, can I have a cookie?

Dad: Sure, after dinner you can have two.

It’s that easy.  Here’s my favorite example because it takes this to the extreme and we can even laugh a little.

Teen:  Can I date a 30-year-old man with two kids?

Parents: Sure, you can date anyone you want when you’re 18.

or

Teen: Can I smoke crack?

Parent: Boy, that would make me really sad, but I guess when you are legally an adult you can make that choice.

I want to point out that I am not advocating that parents change their stance on an issue.  I am pointing out that if you are tired of saying that word over and over with the same result,  you can theoretically avoid “no” forever, and, because your child is not responding to the “no” you can sneak in a little loving too 🙂

Let me know what you think about this.  Does your child have an over the top reaction to “no,” or are you just tired of saying it?

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July 5, 2012 Posted by | child development, discipline, help for parents, Parenting | , , , | 6 Comments

Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family!- 7/2/2012- Words

Words

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

I recently read a book  by Don Miguel Ruiz titled, The Four Agreements.  In this book, the author states that one of the most important things we must all do is to “be impeccable with your words.”  This week, I want us all to use this as our affirmation:

I am impeccable with my words.

When you are using this affirmation, take a moment to think about what it means.  It means that we speak truthfully to and about ourselves and to and about others.  When you find yourself saying out loud or internally, “I am terrible!  That was awful!”  STOP and remember our affirmation this week: I am impeccable with my words.  Are you really terrible?  Was that really awful?  Or perhaps would it be more true to say that you wished you handled something differently?  Look at the difference between saying you are terrible and saying you wish you handled something differently.

Many of today’s parents of younger children are familiar with the recommendation to say to children, “I don’t like what you did” instead of saying, “Don’t be bad.”  When you say, “I don’t like what you did.” a child hears you tell them something about their behavior.  When you say, “Don’t be bad.” a child hears you say something about your beliefs about who they are.  Being impeccable with our words is so important for us and for our children.  My belief is that many of us work to be flawless with our words with children while we neglect the words we say to ourselves.  I really want you to stop neglecting this part!  Be precise about the words you say to yourself.

This week, whenever possible, take time to examine the language you use with yourself and your child.  Work to be precise rather than over generalizing.  Please refrain from using this affirmation as an additional excuse to be hard on yourself.  When you hear the same old language come out of your mouth that you are beginning to see is not actually accurate, gently say to yourself “I am impeccable with my words.” and correct the language you just used with yourself or with someone else.

If you are looking for the book I mentioned, you can find it by clicking on my recommended reading widget at the top left of this webpage.*

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*see disclaimer

July 2, 2012 Posted by | affirmations | , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Messing up Children in Just the Right Ways

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

One of the most common concerns I hear from newly adoptive and biological parents, not to mention parents who have been doing this parenting thing for a while now, is the worry that the parents will, or already have, “messed up” their children.  The worry is that their child is permanantly damaged or will have a “life-long problem.”  This seems to be especially concerning to parents who had a childhood that would be considered less than ideal.

To the parents with this concern, I have these words for you, and I am writing them sincerely, with all the love I have in my heart.  Do not worry.  Your children probably are already “messed up.”  If they are not yet, they will be soon.  Just like the rest of us.  While this may not seem like a loving thing to say.  I assure you that I do, in fact, mean it to be a caring statement.  I want to help parents to break free from the delusion that they will somehow, miraculously, raise the first ever, perfectly self-actualized human on the planet.  A human that has experienced the perfect mix of trouble, discipline and love, with just the right number of family members who care for them and think they are fabulous while still remaining appropriately humble.  A person who finds the perfect job, right after they finish their doctoral degree (having gone to school on scholarship), all the while dating the perfect mate for them, without any heartache involved, and maintaining perfect physical health.  If we can all let go of this delusional belief, we will all breathe easier (literally), be so much happier with our lives and be more forgiving of our own imperfections, as well as stop taking our children’s imperfections so darned personally.

Humans are made to seek out better.  We cannot avoid the questions that come to mind about who has what, whether we would prefer to have that or something different.  Your children will be no different.  Your curly-haired children will wish to have straight hair, your straight-haired children will wish it to be curly.  Your athletic children want to be better at one particular aspect of the sport they play, even if they are the best at another.  Your child who is amazing at Math, wishes to be better in English.  We all long for things just out of reach.  It is healthy and motivating for us to continue trying.  At the same time, we inevitably feel as though we are “messed up” sometimes because we have not yet got that accomplishment we are seeking at that moment.

We can feed into this as parents.  Kids come to me with many different labels, mainly involving mental health: Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional-Defiant Disorder, ADHD, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.  I am supposed to fix them.  Usually, the kids are not broken, even if they look like it.  Usually, the kids are reacting the only way their systems know how to abnormal circumstances.  Often times, in the response of the child, if you look hard enough, you can see creativity, even brilliance,  and most definitely resilience that ultimately exceeds expectations if we can just step back a moment to examine it with a wider lens.

I find many times, the handle holding up the umbrella of concern about “messing up” children is the worry we have that they will experience the same hurts or slights we did as children.  Some of us work so hard to make sure that we do not repeat any hurtful patterns from our own childhood.  To that I say, “No worries!  Your children, my children, all children will experience their world in completely unique and different ways that are very difficult for us to predict, even when we “know” our children so well.

A few years back, I was one of the teachers of a class for parents in the process of separating.  In the class we talked about transitioning from couples, to co-parents.  During one session of the class, there was a parent panel.  More than five years later, I can still remember the words one of the parents on a panel said after she was asked by someone in the class how to predict which of her children would need help.  “It’s hardly ever the thing you think is going to be the problem, and it’s usually the kid you are least worried about that you need to be the most concerned with.”  As parents, sometimes, we think we are mind readers, and really we are not.  Raise your hand if your parents ever thought they knew what you were thinking and they were wrong.  If your hand is not raised, lucky you!  You have forgotten that feeling of being misunderstood.  My point is, parents, even very good parents, get it wrong all the time!  Life happens.  Unplanned things that seem very difficult to understand happen.  We can’t control it, and yet- here I am about to tell you what you really wanted me to say in the beginning.  I mean this one too.  Really, your kids are not messed up.  Your kids are perfect.  Whatever struggles life has thrown your way or your child’s way, are exactly the right struggles for each of you.  The “dings” in us are what make us uniquely, importantly us.

It is easy for me to say this with confidence because of the gift I have of seeing things through a wide lens as a result of my work experience and my own life.  If that does not feel like enough for you to believe me, let’s see if we can name a few people whose moms and dads may not have planned their childhood to go quite like it did:

  • Barack Obama (I’m so sure his mother did not anticipate two marriages, having her parents take care of her son for years at a time, and living on the edge of poverty)
  • John Lennon (grew up with a single mother except for the time he was in foster care)
  • Oprah Winfrey (ever heard of her?  Her childhood was pretty rotten)

There are many more folks to list, but I think you get the point.  No one is “ruined,” in fact there are quite a few amazing stories out there to be told.  All of this is not to say leave your children, live on welfare, it’s all gonna work out.  It is to say, lighten up on yourself for the moments when you can not do or be everything you wanted to be for yourself or your children and forgive yourself for your perceived failures.  Show your children what you want them to do when they wish they could take something back or change their circumstances.  I am assuming that among the things you would want them to do is to take responsibility for any part they played in what happened, learn from it and keep growing from there.

Your children already have an advantage, you.  You do care.  You do try your hardest.  You do love them and care for them the best way you know how.  You are perfectly imperfect, and so are they.  We all are.  We are all messed up.  We are all perfect.  So are our children.

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June 27, 2012 Posted by | child development, help for parents, parent support/ self improvement | , , | 12 Comments

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