Discipline vs. punishment
FCC program offers child care, career – FMWRC – US Army – 100916 (Photo credit: familymwr)
written by Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
People might wonder why it is that I would wish to make a distinction between discipline and punishment since we often use the terms interchangeably. However, I believe there is an important distintion to make.
Discipline is a word that originates from the word “disciple” which means one who accepts and teaches the learnings of another. If you think about that word, and it’s origins, we can narrow it down to discipline being about teaching.
Punishment is different and mainly refers to inflicting consequences on another.
Deutsch: Historische Federzeichnung einer schulischen Körperstrafe. Handschriftlicher Begleittext in Original: Tyranis di Magistrum (Tyrannei des Lehrers). Randzeichnung im Buch Lob der Torheit von Erasmus von Rotterdam English: Schoolboy receiving bare bottom birching, from a medieval source (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
There is a quote we use in attachment to teach parents about how children learn to see themselves in the world. It is by Thomas Cooley, “I am who I think you think I am.” This is the truth for children. The full quote from Cooley is actually, “I am not who I think I am; I am not who you think I am; I am who I think you think I am.” I find this to be so true for every child I have ever seen with the “I” being the child and the “you” being their parents. Think about your own childhood. Did you come to know yourself as a child by virtue of what you thought your parents thought of you? Have you ever struggled with finding out who you are as you moved away from what your parents think of you and who you are, to be who you truely are? The same is and will be true for your children. They believe they are who you believe them to be. What does this have to do with punishment vs. discipline? It gives us a framework for making decisions about what to do when our children display behaviors we find undesireable (or desireable too). In many ways, we are Gods to them. They are your desciples. What will you teach them? Or, alternately, will you punish them for things you do not like?
In case you have not figured it out, I am all for discipline, not so much for punishment. As you will see in the other posts I have written and will keep writing, I do not believe that to teach children new behaviors we mush punish them. In fact, I think punishment tends to do the opposite by taking the focus off of the behavior and onto their relatonship with you and the conflict you are experiencing with each other.
So, what is the big deal and how will it look different day to day? Well, in the end, it may not look that different, the discipline framework I am referring to is more a question of the intent of you as a parent. When we come to our children as loving teachers, the same intervention can have a different feel to the child. For example, both a disciplinarian and a punisher might decide not to allow their child to go out the weekend after they break a curfew. However, the disciplinarian would say something like, “Sure, you can go out until 11pm after I have learned to trust you to come in by 10 reliably. Guess we’ll have to see whether you can do that next week. Tonight, I want you with me so I don’t have to worry about your safety like last time.” A punisher says something more like, “You were late last week. You know the rules, if you break curfew you’re in for a week.” The tone of discipline is on loving the child and expecting them to do their best for them and for you while punishment is more about, “I’m in charge and you’re in trouble.”
Lots of times discipline looks more forgiving and tolerant of a child’s choices and people can make the mistake that it is overly permissive. Please let me clarify that discipline allows more for natural consequences with the understanding that children can learn best by age appropriate experiences. An example of this would be allowing for a bad grade then remarking about how difficult it must be for your child to see themselves earn a grade that is beneath them. You could also remark on how you are surprised by the grade since you know they are a good student (I am who I think you think I am). Not only is discipline easier for us as parents (let’s face it- when your kids are punished so are you), in my view of it, we are teaching our children to love themselves and expecting that they will love and respect us in return. By expecting and giving love and respect as part of our ongoing give and take relationship with our children, we teach them that who they are is important and worthwhile while building the foundations of positive self-esteem that will last a lifetime.
4 Reminders to help the holidays go smoothly for everyone
9-7-4 Easter (Photo credit: cobalt123)
If you are a parent who is going to celebrate Easter or Passover this weekend please take a moment to remember a few things that will help the holiday’s go smoother.
1. Remember that your children have not done this holiday very many times yet. Even a ten-year old has only experienced this holiday 10 times and does not even remember the first two. Reviewing the expectations and schedule changes so kids can be prepared is very helpful. Will there be family gatherings that are different? Will you be playing outside finding eggs in your Sunday clothes? Is the church or synagogue service longer or done differently?
2. Remember that while we might be tense and/or worried about things like being around family members we don’t often see, or whether we will be able to pull off surprises for the kids, our children- while excited- are also picking up on the feelings and tone we set. If we overextend ourselves, our children will not have as good a time either. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard about the yearly parental meltdown around a holiday! This means, try to keep everyone on the same sleep schedule- including you. Eat and drink as needed… you get the picture.
3. Even though you already spoke with your child about what to expect for the holiday, if you are going anywhere else, gently remind them of the expectations again in the car on the way there. Also talk about adult’s expectations of them. You might be expecting them to act differently at grandma’s but they don’t know that unless you tell them, or after it’s already too late. You may even want to rehearse with a small child about what to do if they receive something unwanted. It is age appropriate for a child, even up to age six to ask if “that’s all” or to say they do not like something. Offer alternatives, like asking a parent quietly in the next room about whether more is coming to them, or saying thank you for a gift or treat they do not like.
4. Possibly most important. Allow yourself to be in and experience the joy of the present moment. Anything that goes wrong now are memories shared and as long as no one got permanently hurt- they are not disasters.
I hope everyone, whether you celebrate or not, has a wonderful weekend!
Related articles
- 4 Rules parents can live by (help4yourfamily.com)
Trash Your Behavior Charts!
Kids (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I have a pet peeve as both a parent and as a clinician about behavior charts. You know, those charts where kids get stickers for doing things they are supposed to be doing anyway, and then they get a treat or prize for doing it enough times? I am aware this opinion may be upsetting to some clinicians and especially school professionals where behavior charts are relied upon so heavily. As a parent, I just think they are annoying and hard to follow for me. As a clinician, I believe they set up a tit for tat system in a family where everyone starts measuring who did what when. For my parents with children with attachment disorder they are especially frustrating because by the time a child has earned the prize, you might feel as though you are so angry about all the work it took for you to get them to do the chore/ desired behavior that you don’t really feel like giving them anything. Sometimes kids make you sorry you gave the prize after the fact by deciding now that they earned the prize they don’t need to do anything for a while. What a pain.
I have a much better alternative to traditional behavior charts. It’s the only one that works and it requires little effort from you! This will take all of two minutes of your life. Here’s how it works:
- Take a piece of paper and write down one or two (I would only do a couple at a time because it’s easier to keep track of) things your child does that bug the heck out of you i.e. lying, “forgetting” to do their chores, sassing back. Pick something that is realistic for their developmental level.
- Think of a few prizes you might like to earn that involve self-care: a massage, getting a cup of tea with a friend, take a long bath, etc.
- Let your child know that you are now giving yourself a behavior chart. When you are able to successfully handle this behavior from your child in a manner you feel is appropriate (without you yelling, whining, engaging in a back and forth battle), you get a point! Decide how many points you need to earn to get a prize. Tell your child that when they engage in that behavior from now on you (not they) will earn a point.
- When they do engage in the behavior, calmly remark on what an opportunity this is for you to earn points so you can take care of yourself. It’s important for parents to take care of themselves when kids are giving them a hard time. You can wonder aloud how long it’s going to take to get your prize.
- This is the most important step. Follow through! When you earn your points, do the thing you said you would do to take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Remember you picked things you like to do so perhaps they can help you now.
I have successfully used this “behavior chart” with many parents now and I have used it myself. It works like a charm. I used it with my own daughters who kept coming in at night to have me take them back to bed when they had their normal cycle of lighter sleep. I modified it so that if one kid came in, she earned her sister a point! Guess who sleeps without interruption for weeks at a time? This lady, right here does! J It’s really a win-win either way since even if you don’t get the desired behavior right away (and you will because kids get annoyed at the idea of earning you a prize) you at least get some self-care.
Related articles
- What is attachment disorder? (help4yourfamily.com)
- Two things your kids tell their therapists about you (help4yourfamily.com)
Picking the right books for your family’s needs
If there were one perfect book out there that fit every family, when we went to find one there wouldn’t be so many darned books to choose from! In fact, there are a wealth of wonderful books out there. The trick is finding the right one to fit your family and your child’s needs. Part of the reason I started this blog was to have a place to quickly reference good materials for the families I work with and to keep myself accountable for staying up-to-date on publications that will help families. Anyone with more than one child knows they are like snowflakes- each one is different. Below are a two books I typically recommend along with the types of parents/families I think they will work for.
Parenting with Love and Logic, by Cline and Fay
Cover via Amazon
This is a classic series and has several different offshoots from the original. There are Love and Logic books for adolescents, for very young children, for grandparents raising grandchildren, etc. What I like about the Love and Logic parenting book is that the first half gives a realistic, reasonable framework for parents to follow, then in the second half the authors give you real examples of how to parent to specific issues while using the framework set up in the first half. I do want to point out that this is a Christian oriented book. I do not identify as a Christian counselor, however, the religious aspect of this book is not too heavy and I think it is a helpful book for families regardless of religious orientation. Because I also work with attachment disordered children, I would also like to add the techniques taught are helpful to all children, including kids with AD.
Inner Peace for Busy Women by Joan Borysenko
Cover via Amazon
If you are female and you have children, this book is for you. It is one of my very favorites. While it is geared more toward moms that work outside the home, I think it is helpful to mom’s that are at home full-time as well. This is not a “do it my way so you can do it right” book. To use the author’s description, she acknowledges that we are all living in a whirlwind of activity and that our goal is to be the calm center of the storm as it whirls around you. With humor and understanding Dr. Borysenko helps us all to be more gentle to ourselves and to find peace. I personally listened to this book as a book on tape, then loved it so much I bought the book as well. If you have the opportunity, I would highly recommend listening to this book for some good soul nurturing.
It is no mistake I picked these books first to tell you about since I find myself recommending them so much to parents I work with.
Stay tuned for more good book recommendations.
Happy reading!
You can easily find these books on Amazon by clicking on the amazon widget link at the top right on this screen. Please see my disclaimer page.
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- What to expect from this blog (help4yourfamily.com)
4 Rules parents can live by
Happy Children Playing Kids (Photo credit: epSos.de)
About 15 years ago I went to a talk given by Joan Borysenko. During her talk, she said she was quoting from someone whose name she could not remember- I’ve tried to look it up since but I can’t figure out who said it either. What she said is that there are four rules for life: 1. Show up, 2. Pay attention, 3. Give what you have to give, 4. Don’t be connected to the results. I heard these words when I was still in college, before I became a therapist and a mother and they have resonated with me ever since, especially as a parent. I believe that if we all incorporate some of the wisdom of these words into our daily lives as parents then we will all be happier, and we will have happier children.
1. Show up. Turn off your cell phone and the television. If you can ever volunteer at school, do it- even if it is only one time a year. Be present with your child in the moment as much as possible.
2. Pay attention. Pay attention to what your child is trying to tell you. Is your child asking you to read a book or watch a television show they really liked? Maybe there is something in the book they really want to discuss with you. Is your child telling you something about himself or herself that you have not been willing to hear? Notice, this step does not say, “Pay attention and judge.” or “Pay attention and fix what you think is wrong.” It says “Pay attention.” Meditation is a good tool to help us(and our children) learn to be in the present moment.
3. Give what you have to give. Another way I think of this rule is “set boundaries.” Again, notice it does not say “give of yourself until there is nothing left.” I think we as parents can sometimes have a hard time with deciding what it is we have to give, whether it be money, time or attention to our children. To me, giving what I have to give means giving something freely to my children or someone else so long as I will not feel resentful or remourseful later that I gave it. This is a hard one but so important to model for our children.
4. Don’t be connected to the results. I would add that you cannot control them anyway and it is time for us all to stop pretending that we do. Sorry folks, but in parenting there are so many aspects of a child’s life that are so far out of our control that we never had a chance anyway. Oh sure we can pretend things are all our fault when they go right or wrong, but any parent with a child that was traumatized, or who grows up to be addicted to something will tell you that was never in their plan for their child. Sure you can monitor what your child is doing but do they ever get into a vehicle with you or someone else? Do you have a television, radio or computer in your home? Well, if you answered yes to any of these, you no longer control the results. Accidents happen, good people can be hurt, children can conduct secret lives right under our noses with no small thanks to technology. We can have the best of intentions and still things can go wrong.
Depressed yet? Please allow me to help with that. There are some things we can control. We can control our own actions. We can become aware of the ways in which we interact with our children and with others around us. We can be a safe, loving, soft place to fall for our children. We can model health and wellness for them in such a way that it would be difficult for them to ignore how wonderful it looks so they will be attracted to doing the same for themselves. Adding a spiritual practice is a good idea also if you believe in that kind of thing. A spiritual practice reminds us that our relationship with our children is just one important relationship and their relationship to their higher power is another (and is none of our business). Doing all of those things brings us right back to the first four steps I mentioned and allows us to live them with grace and dignity for ourselves and for our children.
Related articles
- Two things your kids tell their therapists about you (help4yourfamily.com)
Two things your kids tell their therapists about you
Before I tell you what your children are telling me, let me say, I’m a child therapist and what your children are telling me about you might surprise you. Keep in mind that I work mainly with children who have a history of trauma and/or attachment issues. I see children with depression and anxiety too. Your kids with attachment issues don’t tell me these things with words, but if you have a child like that, you know, they tell you things with actions. You know your kids that you send to me? The ones you would do anything for? The ones you are so worried about? I’m going to tell you two things they all tell me about you:
- You need to take better care of yourself. Now, if I had titled this blog “self-care for parents” you probably wouldn’t have read it, right? But now you are, so please take a moment to remember your own childhood and ask yourself the following questions:
- What did you want from your parents that you didn’t get?
- Would you have been more likely to have gotten that from your parents had they taken more time for themselves that involved introspection and self-care?
If your answer is yes to either question, then guess what? It’s true for your children also. If you happen to be the parent of a child with attachment issues, you have to know self-care is of the utmost importance for you since those children tend to be, shall we say…very unrewarding. I know, I know, you are one of those parents that is going to tell me you will take care of yourself when the kids are okay, right? I have news. There is this thing called attunement that makes it so that whole idea doesn’t fly. Basically, when you are not okay, neither are your kids. You know this is true if you were ever a kid with parents who were not okay. Your attachment disordered children, if you have them, do not say these words out loud, instead, they tell you with their behavior by being even more miserable to you when you are not okay as a way to show that they are worried about you. Every parent I have ever worked with who has a child with attachment issues finds that when they are doing better, so are their children. Coincidence? I think not. Interested in learning more about actual ways to feel like you are taking care of yourself? Stay tuned for more blogs about parental self-care and please- don’t skip them…do it for the kids.
- Another surprising one to many parents is this… kids want you to set limits. I know! The whining, negotiating, rule breaking and arguments threw you off, didn’t it? Here’s what kids say behind your back- they know you do it because you love them. If you didn’t set a limit, they will just keep testing to see when your love for them will kick in. Here is a quick way to set limits that eliminates some of the arguments…”As your parent, I love you too much to let you do that. You deserve better.” This works when you are on the phone and they keep talking to you while you are trying to get self-care by checking in with your friend. See how I put those together? It sounds like this “I want to hear what you have to say. Give me 5 minutes on the phone then you will get my full attention, like you deserve.” Another example is, “You deserve to be in a safe environment, I love you too much to let you go to a party if I haven’t made sure responsible adults will be present.” Sure you’ll get eye rolls. You just blocked what they thought they wanted to do! You also reinforced your love for them and that’s pretty hard to argue with – even though they will try.
Ultimately, what your children want is what we all know to be true in our hearts, when one person in a family is not doing well it is not just that child that has a problem, it is the entire system and the best way we can heal a hurting system is to heal the parts we can control the best- ourselves. So, your work in helping your children, your most important work, is to care for yourself and your boundaries with love. If you find it hard to do that, then it is not just your child that could use help from a therapist.
Related articles
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- How to know when you or your child need a therapist (help4yourfamily.com)
- What is attachment disorder? (help4yourfamily.com)
What is attachment disorder?
Mother and Child watching each other (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
One of the areas I specialize in is working with children with attachment disorders. If that term is new to you, please allow me to explain. Attachment is the relationship a child forms with their early caregivers that shapes how we form connections to other people throughout our lives. We are all born relying completely upon adults to meet our needs. I am no animal expert, however, I believe humans are one of the few species that cannot feed ourselves soon after birth. For basic nourishment and caretaking, we rely heavily upon adult caretakers for a relatively long period of time.
As infants, while we are relying on our caretakers, we are also building the neurotransmitter systems in our brains. When babies look into the eyes of their parents, literally thousands of neurons per second get activated and the building of this neuron wiring sets up the building block of our attachment system or structure. When you think of it this way, it is simple: if baby gets her needs met “enough,” she develops what we would call a secure attachment, if baby does not get her needs met “enough” she develops what we would call an “insecure” attachment. By the way, “enough” has been studied and it means that we meet our babies/ children’s needs 30% of the time (or preferably more). That does not mean that 7 out of 10 times are gimme’s! Think about when a baby is crying. You try to figure out what is wrong…diaper? No. Hungry? No. Rocking and singing? Bingo! You just got it wrong twice and right the third time. The trick to this is to keep trying to label and meet a child’s needs and to help them learn to label and name their needs to make it easier for you as they grow. But I digress…
Securely attached children tend to think more along the lines of:
- The world is a safe place.
- I am loving and loveable.
- I get my needs met.
- Adults are reliable.
- If I have a problem, I can usually fix it or get someone to help me.
- My choices make a difference.
Children with insecure attachments tend to think more along the lines of:
- I need to get my own needs met.
- I am bad.
- When I trust people I usually get hurt.
- My choices don’t make any difference.
- I need to fix my own problems.
- People are not trustworthy.
In the classification of insecurely attached children there are two categories. I see these categories as insecurely attached with a structure (anxious or avoidant) and insecurely attached without structure (disorganized) . Why the distinction? Because if you have a child who tends toward anxious/avoidant, you are more likely to be able to predict behaviors and their response to different challenges. However, with a disorganized structure, because the child has no system for tackling issues in place at all, it is incredibly difficult to predict what the child will do in a given situation.
To find out more about attachment disorder please visit the website I participate with www.attachmentdisordermaryland.com. There you will find a wealth of information on this topic.
Stay tuned for future posts on attachment as well!
Finding the right counselor/therapist for you and your family
So..you decided that you want to find a therapist for you or your child. How in the world are you supposed to know how to do that? What an intimidating thing to do, and, like any other doctor you see, who you pick can have a strong influence on your outcomes. While your first instinct might be to go through your insurance to find a provider, this is actually not the path I would suggest for the majority of people (even if money is an issue).
My first suggestion is that you identify the reason you are seeking a therapist. Is it for marital issues? Are you looking for a social skills group for your child who has a diagnosis of ADHD? Have you had a history of trauma and are you seeking to heal from it? If you know anyone who has had similar experiences and you are close enough to them to ask, check with them if they have found a good mental health provider. Even if you do not want to see their provider because that might feel weird, if their person is good, you can call them and ask for referrals. Similarly, do not be afraid to ask a mental health provider that you know personally about referrals as long as you trust their opinion. While someone you know personally can not see you for ethical reasons, they may know of a referral for your specific issue. If you do not have a resource like this, look up local groups in your area that specialize in the issue for which you are seeking treatment. They may have some providers they commonly refer to. School counselors also typically have referral resources. If you are attending a college or university, you may also be able to see a therapist on campus.
On a side note, if you are not clear on the specifics of who you are looking for, think of mental health professionals being like other health providers. There are specialists and general practitioners. If you are unsure, go to a general practitioner. If you work for a large company, there may be an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) provider who will see you for a few sessions and steer you in the right direction (with the understanding that then your work has a record you saw someone), or there are many good, general mental health practitioners out there that you can find using your personal network. If you find a good one and they identify that you need a specialist, they may refer you out for more specialized treatment.
Now that you have identified possibilities, it’s time to make some calls. I would encourage you not to be put off by someone if you can not find them on-line, you may find that in my profession, there are not as many technologically savvy people out there so there are tons of wonderful professionals who may not have a website- or even email! Call the professional directly. Try to speak with them on the phone to get an idea of availability and whether they specialize in the area for which you are seeking help. Ask about what insurance they take, if any. Those lists you find on line from your insurance company can be hopelessly out of date so always ask.
Pay attention to how you feel when you are speaking to the provider on the phone. Do you feel they listened to you? Do they have availability to see you at times that work for you? If you are uncertain, do not be afraid to say that.
Now is the time to check with your insurance. If the provider you want is in-network for your insurance, great- skip this paragraph! If not, call your insurance and see what your out-of-network benefits are. For instructions on how to do this, you can look under the insurance button on my practice website: www.ahealingplaceincolumbia.com. Do not give up if you do not have out-of-network benefits and your selected provider does not take your insurance. Call your insurance, ask them to find someone in-network who works with the specialty you are looking for. If they can not locate someone in-network with the specialty you need and who has openings to see you- they must offer you an option to reimburse the person of your choice. There is a law that says insurance companies cannot deny you coverage simply because they do not have an in-network provider that provides that specialty.
If all else fails, ask your chosen provider if they are willing to give you a sliding scale for payment up front- you would be surprised how many providers are willing to negotiate. Finding someone that you work well with and trust, while it may cost more up front, you will also probably get better quicker so you do the math- say you go to see someone 10 times for $75/ week sliding scale vs. seeing someone who takes your insurance with a $40 copay but since they don’t specialize, let’s estimate it takes twice as many sessions- 20 for you to feel better. That’s a total of $750 for the first treatment and $800 for the second (plus the extra time in your life you spent in treatment). When you look at it that way, it’s a no-brain-er. And, don’t forget, if you have a health spending account through your work, mental health care is covered and reimburseable.
Next it’s time to go ahead and meet with the person you feel comfortable with on the phone and remember- you are a consumer! As a consumer, you have the right to decide where and from whom you are going to get treatment. If you go in and see someone and they just are not it- try someone else. Not all therapists are a good fit for every person. However, if you find you have gone to meet five different people in search of the right person, you might want to think about whether your expectations are realistic and give the one you found the most helpful another try.
I will be the last person to tell you that all therapists are good, or even the same. Look for my future post on different kinds of therapists to learn about just how different we can be. No matter who you see, what is found consistantly in studies about mental health is that it is the relationship between the therapist and the client that is more important than the choice of intervention when we look at whether therapy has been successful. You have a right to getting what you want from treatment.
Look for future blogs to address red flags when looking for a therapist and when it might be time to move on. Since I specialize in attachment disorders, I will also be posting about finding an attachment focused therapist.
How to answer tough questions from your kids
The sex talk! Did you ever try drugs? How old were you when you first….?
We all dread these questions as parents but we all get them. So, what to do? Let me give you the quick 4 step system that I use to help navigate those sticky questions with my children and that I teach to the parents of my clients.
1. Think through what you would want to say to your child about any things you did that you are not proud of. Think past denial, denial- your kids know you aren’t perfect and when you lie to them you look bad and they trust you less.
2. Think about the developmental age of your child (this may be different from their chronological age).
3. Make sure you know what the question is! How many times have parents had a child ask where babies come from, then launched into a whole developmentally appropriate conversation about where babies come from, only to have their toddler then say they just were wondering if you got babies from the hospital or whether the stork brings them?
4. Once you have determined the questions, answer only the question your child asked. See my second step for part of why you want to do this, but another reason why is that with sticky questions, your child may not want to really know all of the answers. They may ask if you ever tried drugs but they are not ready for a whole conversation about who, what, where, when and why…A simple- I did try them in college but I don’t do them anymore and hope you don’t either- will suffice, unless they ask for more and you are ready to give them more.
As you can see, I am an advocate for honesty. Children are like little bs detectors. Their little antennae go up when you lie (just like yours do when they lie to you). I advocate matter-of-fact honesty with kids. They will appreciate you for it and will listen more to the part of what you say when you say- I did that, I tried that and I’m so glad I don’t do it anymore. Or, I never did that, I never tried that and I’m so glad I didn’t. Be sure to watch your tone- you don’t want to glorify the behaviors or demonize them either. In many cases your child may be gearing up to tell you something they or a friend have done, or witnessed and by telling a child all the evils, you shut down the next, most important conversation- what if I…? You know the conversation where you tell them about how to stay safe, and how even if you were disappointed in their choices you would still love them.
Please stay tuned for more parenting tips. To find out more about me, or my practice please visit my practice website: www.ahealingplaceincolumbia.com.
Does my child need medication?
This is probably one of the most frequently asked questions that I get the first time I meet a parent who is planning to bring in their child for therapy. I am a Social Worker and have a private psychotherapy practice which means I am not licensed to prescribe medication, however, many children I see have taken or are taking medication and I do refer out to psychiatrists, who do prescribe medication, if I believe a child is in need.
The short answer that I give to parents who ask this question is to do what I would do with my own children if I felt they needed medication: try everything else first! This is just my opinion and it is not shared by everyone in my profession, however, while there was a decade or so that many parents were turning to pills to solve the problems for their children, this is not true today. I do not mean in any way to offend any parent who has a child on medication, nor do I intend to say that all medications are bad. I just think it is important to try everything else first. Now, obviously, if your child is psychotic, they need medication. More often, I have parents who bring in children who have experienced trauma and are feeling anxious or depressed. There are many therapeutic techniques that can help with these issues outside of medication. Before starting medication, I have a few recommendations:
- Get a full physical with a doctor that is familiar with depression and anxiety. Even mania can be attributed to physical ailments such as a thyroid issue, as are depression and anxiety. Depression is closely linked to vitamin D deficiency and research also supports the use of fish oil to increase Omega-3. In fact, in a recent talk training I went to, physician Andrew Weil taught us that fish oil and vitamin D, combined with regular, moderate exercise are more effective than medication for depression. Now don’t go out and do these things because I said so please consult your or your child’s doctor before changing anything.
- Start exercising. In research with a control group who changed nothing, one group that used only medication and another group that introduced moderate exercise 3x’s/week for 20 minutes or more the group that exercised had the best results in treating mood disorders. For kids I especially love exercise that gets them focused on controlling their bodies, dance, martial arts, qui gong, and yoga are all wonderful.
- Look at the food you and your child eat. I have seen more and more children developing food sensitivities. The main culprits seem to be food dyes, sugar (you knew that), caffeine, and gluten. I used to see a kid where you could tell if he got into the pretzels just by looking at him when he walked in the door because his sensitivity to wheat caused him all kinds of trouble. This is the easiest (and the hardest) one to do because all you have to do (feel free to laugh here if your child is a picky eater like mine) is eliminate each category of food for about a week to see if you see a behavioral change.
- Learn to meditate. Meditation is good for just about everyone. Even kids can meditate. Just start small and work your way up to 10-20 minutes at least 3 x’s/ week.
- Check out other alternatives. Acupuncture and reiki- even with children- have both been helpful to my clients. Don’t ask me what it does I just know it works for many people.
- Let’s not forget talk therapy, art therapy, and play therapy are all helpful.
- Learn EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). I use this tapping technique with most children and adults I work with at some point. It is easy to learn and you can find out how by contacting a therapist who knows it. They should be able to teach you in one or two sessions.
Like I said before, medication is not all bad. I have seen quite a few children who have been helped by it, however, more and more, I and others in my field are looking to try alternatives first and with good reason. Dr. Weil also pointed out more recent research that points to our bodies adjusting to medication in ways we did not expect. For example, the study he cited found that people who took SSRI’s to increase serotonin production to treat depression also had the effect that once a patient stopped taking the SSRI, their brain had adjusted to making less serotonin as it became adjusted to allowing the medication to stimulate production. He also used the example that acid reflux medication, when given to a group of young adults who did not have issues with acid reflux, actually ended up causing acid reflux issues in a significant number of participants after they stopped taking the medication. Why? Because their bodies adjusted to producing more acid to counteract the medicine to try to reach “normal” for their body. My point is, there is still a lot we don’t know about medication, especially for children and that the long-term studies on psychotropic meds for kids just isn’t there yet. Before putting our children on these medications, please, let’s consider less extreme alternatives.
About me
Kate Oliver, LCSW-C (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) has been a clinician working with traumatized and attachment-disturbed children for almost two decades. She is co-owner of A Healing Place, a private practice in Columbia, Maryland, since 2007.
At the beginning of her career, Kate found that while some children responded to traditional child therapy practices, there were a significant number of children who showed little or no improvement in their overall emotional well-being. This led her to seek out specialized training to learn more about attachment, the bond between parents and children, and found that by using attachment-based strategies in addition to treating trauma, even the most challenging children and their parents, saw major, life-changing shifts, not only for the children she was working with, but the parents as well.
Early in her career, Kate was privileged to work as the clinical director for Tamar’s Children, a program that took pregnant, incarcerated women from prison to a treatment facility that worked on teaching the women to bond with and attach to their babies, while also helping the women to heal their own broken attachments, and history of trauma and addiction. This program was internationally recognized for having a successful, evidence-based practice using an attachment-based model. From working with some of the most severely disenfranchised parents, Kate received important information about how to help all parents maintain a happy, healthy relationship with their children.
In 2007, Kate co-founded A Healing Place, a mental health private group practice in Columbia, Maryland, where she focuses on working with families with children who have a history of trauma and/or attachment disturbances. A board certified supervisor, Kate has been an invited presenter to teach continuing education courses for other social workers and psychologists. In her courses, Kate teaches attachment-building techniques and presents about her sub-specialty, working with families headed by gay and lesbian parents. Kate has also worked as a trainer for Building Families for Children, a therapeutic foster care agency.
Kate is a former board member for the organization COLAGE, a non-profit group that works toward community building for people with gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender parents. She is currently a member of Attachment Disorders Maryland, a group that works to educate parents and professionals about working with children with attachment related issues. She is a Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Practitioner and Educator.
Kate lives in Columbia, Maryland is the mother of two amazing daughters, the partner to a fantastic husband, and the daughter of one mother and two gay dads. She loves to read any book that crosses her path, write (of course), and she recently started dancing again, a passion she has had since her youth.
Kate can be reached by email: helpforyourfamily@gmail.com for questions or you can find her on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/Help4yourfamily.
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