How to answer tough questions from your kids
The sex talk! Did you ever try drugs? How old were you when you first….?
We all dread these questions as parents but we all get them. So, what to do? Let me give you the quick 4 step system that I use to help navigate those sticky questions with my children and that I teach to the parents of my clients.
1. Think through what you would want to say to your child about any things you did that you are not proud of. Think past denial, denial- your kids know you aren’t perfect and when you lie to them you look bad and they trust you less.
2. Think about the developmental age of your child (this may be different from their chronological age).
3. Make sure you know what the question is! How many times have parents had a child ask where babies come from, then launched into a whole developmentally appropriate conversation about where babies come from, only to have their toddler then say they just were wondering if you got babies from the hospital or whether the stork brings them?
4. Once you have determined the questions, answer only the question your child asked. See my second step for part of why you want to do this, but another reason why is that with sticky questions, your child may not want to really know all of the answers. They may ask if you ever tried drugs but they are not ready for a whole conversation about who, what, where, when and why…A simple- I did try them in college but I don’t do them anymore and hope you don’t either- will suffice, unless they ask for more and you are ready to give them more.
As you can see, I am an advocate for honesty. Children are like little bs detectors. Their little antennae go up when you lie (just like yours do when they lie to you). I advocate matter-of-fact honesty with kids. They will appreciate you for it and will listen more to the part of what you say when you say- I did that, I tried that and I’m so glad I don’t do it anymore. Or, I never did that, I never tried that and I’m so glad I didn’t. Be sure to watch your tone- you don’t want to glorify the behaviors or demonize them either. In many cases your child may be gearing up to tell you something they or a friend have done, or witnessed and by telling a child all the evils, you shut down the next, most important conversation- what if I…? You know the conversation where you tell them about how to stay safe, and how even if you were disappointed in their choices you would still love them.
Please stay tuned for more parenting tips. To find out more about me, or my practice please visit my practice website: www.ahealingplaceincolumbia.com.
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About me
Kate Oliver, LCSW-C (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) has been a clinician working with traumatized and attachment-disturbed children for almost two decades. She is co-owner of A Healing Place, a private practice in Columbia, Maryland, since 2007.
At the beginning of her career, Kate found that while some children responded to traditional child therapy practices, there were a significant number of children who showed little or no improvement in their overall emotional well-being. This led her to seek out specialized training to learn more about attachment, the bond between parents and children, and found that by using attachment-based strategies in addition to treating trauma, even the most challenging children and their parents, saw major, life-changing shifts, not only for the children she was working with, but the parents as well.
Early in her career, Kate was privileged to work as the clinical director for Tamar’s Children, a program that took pregnant, incarcerated women from prison to a treatment facility that worked on teaching the women to bond with and attach to their babies, while also helping the women to heal their own broken attachments, and history of trauma and addiction. This program was internationally recognized for having a successful, evidence-based practice using an attachment-based model. From working with some of the most severely disenfranchised parents, Kate received important information about how to help all parents maintain a happy, healthy relationship with their children.
In 2007, Kate co-founded A Healing Place, a mental health private group practice in Columbia, Maryland, where she focuses on working with families with children who have a history of trauma and/or attachment disturbances. A board certified supervisor, Kate has been an invited presenter to teach continuing education courses for other social workers and psychologists. In her courses, Kate teaches attachment-building techniques and presents about her sub-specialty, working with families headed by gay and lesbian parents. Kate has also worked as a trainer for Building Families for Children, a therapeutic foster care agency.
Kate is a former board member for the organization COLAGE, a non-profit group that works toward community building for people with gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender parents. She is currently a member of Attachment Disorders Maryland, a group that works to educate parents and professionals about working with children with attachment related issues. She is a Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Practitioner and Educator.
Kate lives in Columbia, Maryland is the mother of two amazing daughters, the partner to a fantastic husband, and the daughter of one mother and two gay dads. She loves to read any book that crosses her path, write (of course), and she recently started dancing again, a passion she has had since her youth.
Kate can be reached by email: helpforyourfamily@gmail.com for questions or you can find her on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/Help4yourfamily.
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I have always been honest with my child and step-children (appropriately of course). It’s hard getting the tough questions lobbed at you, but satisfying when they can walk away with an answer that you know will increase their own knowledge.
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