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Create the family you want to have

Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family! 6/25/2012- Forgiveness

Forgiveness: The Real F-Bomb

Forgiveness: The Real F-Bomb (Photo credit: bangart)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

Today I’m going to talk about forgiveness.  It took me a long time to become a convert to this way of thinking.  For quite a few years, especially as I was working with traumatized and abused children, I believed that people, especially abusers, did not deserve forgiveness.  I did not forgive people in my own life as well.  It turns out, I just didn’t understand what forgiving really means.

You know that old saying forgive and forget?  Yeah, that’s not what we are talking about.  Here’s the kind of forgiving I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the kind of forgiving where you decide for yourself that you are going to give over the resentment that you feel about this issue.  There are a few quotes that keep me going when I think about forgiveness that I will share with you now.  Maybe you have heard them.  The first is by Robert Holden.  He says “forgiveness is remembering who we were before this grievance.”  In other words, it is letting go of who you are while holding onto the anger and resentment and embracing that which you were before you felt that way.  The second quote is by Carrie Fisher, “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  That one really gets me thinking every time.

Sometimes we tell ourselves that by withholding forgiveness, we are making the other person “pay for what they did.”  In reality, if the stories you are telling yourself about that person are true, you are most likely not making them pay at all.  What satisfaction is to be gained by silently, or loudly stewing about someone who is not even in the room?  Who is paying for that but the person who is holding onto the anger?

Forgiveness is the process of letting go of the emotional energy you have decided to carry about a particular issue or incident.  It is the willingness to see that all things happen in context and that anything that happens comes from things that happened before that.  Forgiveness does not require reconciling with someone.  Forgiving people still set boundaries with others including the person they are forgiving.  Forgiveness can be completely internal and may not involve speaking to a person at all.

A useful exercise that I learned when seeking to forgive people came from Joan Borysenko and Robyn Casarjian in an on-line course they taught on Forgiveness that you can link to here (if you are struggling, this is well worth your few hours of time and your $20)*.  In this course, one suggestion that the facilitators give to help let go of anger against a person is to take a few moments to picture the person you are angry with up on a stage.  Imagine that the person has all the tools they need to give you what you needed from them that they did not provide.  For example, did someone say hurtful or judgmental words to you?  What did that person need in order to say kinder words to you?  Did they need a kind parent growing up?  Did they need people cheering them on as they accomplished new things?  Did they need someone telling them that just because you have something they want, that it does not prevent them from having something?  As we become more aware of the lack in the life of the person  that we need to forgive, it becomes easier to forgive them.

What does this have to do with parenting?

How often have you gotten off the phone with someone you are carrying resentment toward then snapped at your children?  When you see or think about a family member who has hurt you then your child does something that reminds you of that person, do you respond to your child in a helpful way, or do you try to get them to stop doing that thing even if it is not hurtful?  Can you see holding onto resentment does impact your parenting?  Can you see that if you have a child with trauma and/or attachment issues, that carrying resentment and anger toward your child, while incredibly tempting at times, is not helpful to you or your child?  They are doing what they are doing because they needed something more, most often times it is something more than you were able to give them.  This week’s affirmation is:

I am letting go of anger and resentment.  I allow myself the freedom of forgiveness.

See how it feels to really say this one over and over.  If you are having problems with this, let me know.  This is so important.  I want to start a dialogue about forgiveness here and I welcome your thoughts.

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June 25, 2012 Posted by | affirmations, help for parents, parent support/ self improvement, Parenting | 13 Comments

Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family! 6/18/2012- delight

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

After last’s week’s posts, you have to know what this weeks affirmation is going to be about.  Delight, of course!  Now that you know how important delight is, let’s go about making the process of delighting in our children of all ages a habit.

Delight is not only for the young.  Even if your child is one that rolls her eyes at you when you say something nice, don’t worry, she is listening, keep delighting anyway!  Remember the last time someone pointed out something you did really well and seemed genuinely excited for you?  How did it feel?  I hope it was not too long ago that you experienced this, since it is important for us all to be delighted in.

As a mom or dad, sometimes you are not the only one delighting, sometimes your children are delighting in you as well.  My friend Jennifer Webb, over at Mom’s Soul Cafe, just wrote a post about her daughter delighting in something about her.  You can read about it here.

This weeks affirmation is:

My children and I delight in each other, and in ourselves.

Enjoy this one and please take a moment to report back what your experiences are with this affirmation.

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June 18, 2012 Posted by | affirmations, Parenting | 7 Comments

Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family! 6/11/2012- creative solutions

English: A day in lunch

English: A day in lunch (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

The day-to-day tasks that come with being a parent can make it difficult sometimes to stand back and see the forest for the trees.  With all the chauffering, making of meals, time keeping, study supporting, and the coaching/ disciplining we can get into a rut and forget something important… we forget about creative solutions.  Creative solutions are all around us.

I remember when my husband and I figured out that dates can happen during the day!  We decided that instead of going out in the evening when we are already tired and ready to crawl into bed, we would get the babysitter for the day.  That way we can go get lunch, when the restaurants are nearly empty, and see a movie or take a walk together, then come home and be there to put the girls to bed.  We enjoy each other so much when we are not tired.

Sometimes creative solutions come from the outside also.  I remember being very frustrated with dinner time.  It is a real struggle in my home to put a meal on the table that is acceptable to everyone and I found that I was working hard to find meals that would work.  Week after week, I tried different meals and week after week, between one and three members of my family would reject whatever it was that I made.  I finally got so frustrated I decided my own attempts to fix it were not working and I needed to hand my problem over.  I used today’s affirmation. Wouldn’t you know it?  That night, I got an email from one of my favorite websites.  In the email, a mom wrote about how she could not get her family to agree on what meals to eat.  She decided to pass out index cards to each of the members of her family so they could write down a few meals they like and then she plugged those meals into the calendar.  I could have kissed the screen!  We’ve been following this suggestion ever since and it works.

Today’s affirmation is:

I am open to finding creative solutions to any problem.

If you are having a hard time believing this one will help, you can put it to the test.  Think of a problem you are having right now.  Put your attention on it and affirm that you are open to finding solutions, whether you think of them yourself, or they come from someone else.  Say the affirmation over and over whenever you think about the problem and then see what happens.

Once you have done that, come tell me about it!  I want to know about the issue and the solutions that came to you or that you came up with.  Maybe by sharing, you will be giving someone else a solution they were looking for.

By the way, the website I mentioned with the helpful tips is www.flylady.net.  After you finish looking at my blog, go check her out, she is wonderful.

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June 11, 2012 Posted by | affirmations | 8 Comments

Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family! 6/4/2012- planning time

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

Doing the best she can

Doing the best she can (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today’s affirmation is short and sweet and we know we all need it.  It is about time.  I know I already posted an affirmation about things happening at the right time.  This one is about how we plan time.  How many of us feel like we are short on time, don’t have enough time, or, when we finally get time to ourselves, we think we will have time to do so many things in a short period of time?  I remember when my kids were little, if I had a few hours to myself I would start planning all sorts of things to do with my time.  I thought I could paint my bedroom in a couple of hours, even though I hadn’t picked the paint out or moved the furniture yet!  When my daughters started school I would use that dangerous word “should” and I would say things to myself like, “it should only take us 45 minutes to get up and out of the house.”  I would allot 5 minutes to packing lunches, 5 minutes to dressing each girl, etc.  Silly, silly me.  I would get so frustrated with myself and my daughters when my timeline got interrupted.  It is when we do this to ourselves that we find we are grumbling, fussing or even yelling and threatening our children about what we will do if they do not stick to our timeline.  We can terrorize ourselves in the same way as well, giving ourselves an incredibly hard time if we do not stick to the timeline we planned for.

I’m going to suggest an alternative.  Let’s routinely schedule time to stop and delight in our children whenever possible.  When you are planning time, include time to figure out where your children took off your shoes when they wore them around last night pretending to be you.  Schedule in time for when your child asks to help make breakfast and you know it will take longer than if you just did it yourself, or they tell you they promised their friend you would pick them up on the way to school.  I like to give myself 30-45 minutes more than I think I need to do things.  Sometimes this means waking up earlier and planning for fewer things in my day.  It always makes for happier, less frenzied parents and children and an overall more peaceful family.

This weeks affirmation is:

I give myself and my children realistic expectations for managing time.

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June 3, 2012 Posted by | affirmations, help for parents | 6 Comments

Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help4yourfamily! 5/28/2012

child

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

In the past week I have had two quotes come to visit me several times.  One has been a favorite of mine for a long time, Kahlil Gibran’s quote from his poem, On Children.  “Your children are not your children.  They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.  They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”  The other quote, I had never heard before last week, which is pretty surprising to me.  It comes from Mark Twain, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born…and the day you find out why.”  Each of these quotes reminds us that our children are more than just our children.  We each, all of us, are put on this earth with special, unique skills and talents.  Our children are not here to please us but to meet their own unique purpose and to believe that we control that purpose is to tell ourselves a fantastical lie.  Many parents buy into this fantasy with disasterous results.  To let go of the fantasy that we control the exact ways in which our children will form into adults is to free ourselves and our children from the inevitable feeling of failure that old attitude would bring.  This weeks affirmation is:

I allow my child to explore his or her own unique talents and abilities.  I work on finding mine as well.

This does not mean that I must drop everything and spend all of my time and money on getting my daughter to dance class.  What it means is that I am accepting of her dreams and support her in the best way I can now.  It also means that I model for her through my own openness to my unique talents and abilities.

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May 28, 2012 Posted by | affirmations, child development | , , , , , | 5 Comments

Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family! 5/21/2012

an animated clock

an animated clock (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

Get ready to laugh and tell me I’m wrong!  I have heard many versions of this affirmation but the person I got it from is the mother of affirmations herself, Louise Hay.  This week’s affirmation is:

Everything is happening at just the right time.

I know you do not believe me but give me a minute to talk you through it.  I know it feels like things happen too slow, too fast, or at just the wrong time!  This affirmation requires a little faith that there is a plan for us.  Even if you are not a believer in a higher power, doesn’t it just make life simpler to believe that everything is happening at just the right time?  I use this affirmation when I am running late and, I’m happy to tell you that when I use it, and believe it, everything does happen at just the right time.  One time I used it recently was when I was running late to meet my daughter at school because I had promised I would eat lunch with her.  I hate running late.  I decided that I was going to obey traffic laws, and I just repeated to myself over and over that things happen at just the right time.  I was still five minutes late, but guess what?  The lunch before my daughter’s ran over by five minutes and I actually ended up entering the cafeteria at the same time she did.  I also had not stressed myself out on the way there, which would require me to calm myself down before I could be present for my daughter.

You can use this affirmation for big things too.  Birth, death, illness, and entering a romantic relationship, are all things that come to mind.  Before you think I am trivializing any of those transitions I just mentioned, I want you to know I have experienced all of them, just like you.  Carrying with me the belief that everything is happening at just the right time even if I don’t understand it, gets me through a lot and I will share a personal story to demonstrate how this affirmation has come true in my own life.

When I was a child, just about to turn nine, my older brother, who was just about to turn 12, died suddenly from an undiagnosed illness the summer before he would be entering middle school.  I would never wish this on anyone, and no- there is never a good time for this to happen, but there might be a right time.  Move forward in time to the night I met my husband for the first time.  I was at a party and one of my brother’s friends, who I had not seen since he died, walked into the party with another friend.  He actually was pretty shocked to see me and had a pretty strong reaction when he realized who I was.  We started talking and he introduced me to his friend- my future husband.  Had my brother lived and gone on to middle school, he and his friend would have probably drifted apart, since they were going to go to different schools.  His friend might not have had the same memories of me that caused him to come right too me to talk and introduce me to his friend.  My husband and I might not have had a strong immediate connection and who knows what might have happened?  I can’t imagine my life without the husband and children that I have.  I wouldn’t change a thing about them or about my life right now.  This is one way that I make sense of the death of my brother.  Everything happens at just the right time.

Even if it is hard to believe right now, try this affirmation out.  Say it many, many times to yourself.  Remind yourself that you don’t have to know the “why” of things happening, but that they are happening at just the right time.

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May 21, 2012 Posted by | affirmations | , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Monday is Parenting Affirmation Day! 5-14-2012

Mathematics homework

Mathematics homework (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s Monday, May 14th- Parent Affirmation day at Help 4 Your Family! Today’s affirmation is one I use a lot:

I give my children age appropriate time and space to solve their own problems.

This affirmation is good for many kinds of situations.  One is watching our children struggle with something.  This affirmation helps us to remember that there are some struggles that are age appropriate and that our children will benefit from resolving on their own because they want to learn it.  Rebecca from Mom Meets Blog writes about this in her sweet post about her son that you can read here.

Another situation where this affirmation is helpful is when our children are struggling with something and do not want to learn it- but we know it is age appropriate for them to do so.  A child who works really hard to get to you to give him the answers to homework assignments would be an example of a time when you can repeat this affirmation to yourself to remind yourself that you are helping, not hurting, your child by allowing them to experience the struggle.

Also, I use the words “age appropriate” purposely.  I find that as parents we sometimes forget that as sophistocated as our children may seem, that there are some expectations that may not be age appropriate- expecting a 10-year-old to clean the kitchen to the same standards as an adult, or telling a child they must work things out with a bully at school who is threatening violence are two examples that come to mind.

Saying this affirmation over and over throughout the day makes it become a part of you and of your regular parenting practice.

When have you had to use an affirmation like this?

Do you have a parenting affirmation you would like to share?

Related articles:

Monday is Parenting Affirmation Day! (help4yourfamily.com)

Parenting With Affirmations (help4yourfamily.com)

Chronological vs. Developmental Age (help4yourfamily.com)

I Was a Cereal Killer (MomMeetsBlog.wordpress.com)

May 14, 2012 Posted by | affirmations, help for parents | , , , , , | 6 Comments

Monday is parenting affirmation day at Help 4 Your Family!

From now on, Monday is going to be parent affirmation day at Help 4 Your Family.  Sometimes I  will share affirmations I have created and used, other times I will quote affirmations from teachers I have come to trust.

For this Monday, May 7, 2012 your parenting affirmation is:

My children give me constant opportunities to learn and grow.

Now, you know this one makes you smile, even when you are tired. I would suggest that, to make this part of your self-talk, you repeat it many times throughout the day.  Say it to yourself in the mirror, and mention it to your friends in conversations.

If you have a parenting affirmation that you would like to share, please feel free to let me know.  Maybe you will see it some other Monday 🙂

All the best to your family,

Kate

May 7, 2012 Posted by | affirmations | , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Parenting with affirmations

what are word for?

what are word for? (Photo credit: Darwin Bell)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

My children are learning new and wonderful things every day.

I am loving and supportive to my children.

My children are loving toward me.

As a huge fan of Louise Hay, the mother of the self-help movement, I have come to find the wonderful healing work that can be done via the use of affirmations.  Ms. Hay would tell you that every statement is an affirmation.  Typically we think of affirmations being statements we say to help us to feel better.  I am loving and loveable is a common affirmation people try to say over and over to help change internal beliefs.  But people can also say other, unhealthy or damaging affirmations, without even realizing they are doing so.  I hear affirmations all the time like this, for example: everything I do turns out wrong, and it seems like everyone I love leaves me.  I know it may seem simplistic to say that affirmations can change things but take a moment to see if you can remember words that may have changed your life.  Hurtful words, loving words, thoughtful words, all may have played a part in helping you to form who you are.

I remember overhearing my mother say once that my sister was a smart as I was pretty.  These words carried a lot of meaning for my twelve year old self.  From them I deduced that my mother thought I was pretty (nice), but not that smart (ouch).  While I know she would never have wanted me to feel like I was not smart and she has told me many times since that I am smart, I know that those words were powerful and impacted how I felt about myself.  As parents our words are formative for our children.  In the same way we can use affirmations to help us feel better about ourselves and to retrain our brains and our internal belief systems, we can use them to help our children form their own internal beliefs and set of understandings about how to feel better when life is hard.

One good introduction to affirmations for children is Louise Hay’s children’s book, I Think, I Am.  In it, Hay uses child friendly language to teach children the power of affirmations.  I have been using affirmations in my parenting for well over a year now, and can tell you it has made a huge difference in my children’s day to day happiness (mine as well).  One thing that I think keeps people away from using affirmations is that they believe all affirmations have to be said in this nicey, nicey tone that feels syrupy and sweet.  In my time using affirmations with my children, I can tell you this is absolutely not so!

My then  six year old daughter, used to have reactions ranging from grumpy and reluctant to downright nasty upon waking up each morning.  I actually got pretty irritated with going in to her room each morning to wake her up with a nice song only to be greeted with a moan that I needed to stop singing and demands for me to help her get dressed.  However, I was determined to stay positive toward her and to try to set limits.  One day, I got fed up with it and said quite firmly something along the lines of, “You know, the things you say right when you get up set the tone for your day.  Do you want to wake up saying how rotten things are all the time or would you like to start your day showing love for all you have?”  Here comes the affirmation, which I then stated out loud.  “I am chosing to start my day happy and to be around people who are being kind to me.” Then I walked out of her room.  I can assure you that I did not sound remotely close to sweet and syrupy.  I also stated that I was going to take care of myself by leaving the room because I did not want to start my day feeling angry and sour.  I believe my tone and questions are what caused my daughter to sit up and took notice.  Within a few minutes she had dressed herself and come downstairs to tell me she did want to start her day right.  Since then she has mentioned this desire several times.  Sometimes in the morning when I wake her up now she still mentions that today she is going to have a happy day and I can tell you that morning wake ups have completely changed for her making our entire morning smoother for everyone.

Perhaps this sounds too simplistic.  I know it’s not always so easy because I know you might tell me how your child would follow you out of the room and around the house demanding that you do such and such or this or that.  Affirmations are not magical.  They do not immediately change the people around you just by you saying them, however, they do help you to change your inner world and your outer world is forced to change as well.  Be what I call a “broken record” with your affirmations.  As your child follows you around giving you a hard time, continue to state them out loud.  It can be the same one over and over again- you know, the same way you have to say “no” twenty times before they get it.

Now that you have read this, I would strongly encourage you to take a moment now to think about the affirmations you are saying to and about your own children.  Would you like to change them?  If so, write down what you would like to change them to.  Need help finding an affirmation?  Give me a try.  I’ve gotten pretty good at this 🙂

For more information about affirmations, I would strongly recommend you read Louise Hay’s classic book, You Can Heal Your Life.  It has been around for a while but it is actually a timeless work.  No time to read?  I bought it off itunes and listened to it while walking and I highly recommend this way as well.  You can easily find this book by clicking on the Amazon widget link at the top right of this page.  Please read my disclaimer page first.

Cover of "YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE"

Cover of YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE

April 11, 2012 Posted by | affirmations, help for parents | , , , , , , | 12 Comments

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