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Preparing Children for Major Transitions

Summer Camp 2010

Summer Camp 2010 (Photo credit: Olds College)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

It’s summer.  Anyone with a child in school recently has, or is about to experience a major transition from having the school routine schedule to a summer schedule.  Perhaps your children have camps, vacations, different childcare arrangements, or long stretches of time at home, or, if you are like my family, a combination of all of those depending upon the week.  Even though summer can be a time of excitement and activities that children love, remember, even something exciting can be stressful.  To illustrate this, think about the last time you went on vacation.  Did you experience any stress before you went away?  Did you worry you were going to forget to pack something?  Did you have to work to make sure you stayed in budget or planned accordingly for activities vs. rest?

Even though your child does not necessarily have the same stressors you do, they have others.  Their stressors may include concerns like whether any other kids they meet on the trip or at camp might like them, whether this is going to be a fun place to go or not, whether the rules will be the same or different for them than what they are used to, whether they will have the food they like to eat on the trip, and what to expect next.

The adopted children I see can often have additional concerns such as whether someone from their birth family might spot them (I have heard this even from children adopted at birth), whether people in public will spot their family and ask why they look different or whether their family will be accepted.  They may worry if they are going to see relatives that they feel treat them differently from children born biologically into the family, or that their adoptive family is planning on leaving them in the new location.  Many of the children I see have the additional worry about embarrassing themselves by wetting the bed or their pants during the day if that has been a problem for them.

So, how can we prepare children for all of these transitions?  Here are a few tips to get you started.  The first few are for everyone, then I have a few special tips just for people with children with attachment issues.  Remember, every child is different.  That is why I am giving you several suggestions.  I encourage you to use those that feel right for you and your child.

1.  Prepare your child by telling them in a matter of fact way about what to expect.  For example: “Remember, you are going to camp tomorrow, I don’t know if you will know any of the kids there but I do know Ms. Suzie from last year will be there again.  I’m going to pack you an apple and some cereal in your lunch instead of a peanut butter sandwich because the camp does not allow peanuts in your lunch.”  Or, “We are going to Grandma’s.  Remember, we went there last year and you slept in the same room with your cousin Joey.  Sometimes you got to go to bed later and one night Aunt Cindy is going to watch you while Mom and Dad go out.  If two adults tell you two different things to do, I want you to come ask me if you are confused.  If I’m not there, I will always let you know who is in charge.”  You may need to break this information up into several conversations if you have a child that has difficulty taking in too much information at once.  I also like to ask children what they heard me say so I can hear them say it back and confirm that they heard what I think I said so I know if they got it.

2.  Always let children know who is in charge if you are not with them.  Meet the camp counselor, introduce your child to them and point out that that person is in charge.  “She’s in charge of this camp and I expect you to listen to her.”  Or, “We are going out and you are staying with Nana and Pop, I expect you to listen to both of them.”

A side note about tone here: I am not suggesting any kind of accusatory tone.  I always recommend a matter of fact, friendly tone that takes into account that our children are little humans with feelings.  I could see the above statement being said in an accusatory way and I hope you will refrain from that as much as possible.  If you have a child that has attention or attachment issues making it possible that they were not hearing you, or that they will pretend they did not hear you later, you can have them repeat it back.  Make it a game: You: Who’s in charge?  Child: Ms. Jenny’s in charge.

3.  Talk to your child about any transitions before they happen a few times so you can figure out if your child has questions that are causing anxiety so that you can get answers for them.  It is difficult to predict the ways in which children will formulate stories to fill in the gaps in their understanding.

When I was around 13 and my youngest sister was five, my family moved to a house about five miles away from the home we were living in.  I remember one night at dinner, we were talking about the move and someone asked my sister if she was excited to be moving.  She hesitated and got a little teary, then blurted out, “Yes!  But, I’m going to miss you guys!”  Remember, even if your child has made this transition before, it may only be their second or third time doing it.

A year in the eyes of a child is infinitely longer than a year in the eyes of an adult.  For a 33-year-old, a year is 1/33rd of their lives, for a four-year old, a year is 1/4 of their lives.  That’s a big difference.  A lot happens in the year of a child, and going somewhere, like a camp or vacation, where they have not gone for a year still qualifies as a major transition in their eyes.

4.  While you are making sure that you are talking about the upcoming transition some, I want to caution you to refrain from talking about it too much.

Recently my family and I went for a vacation weekend to a child friendly hotel/amusement park.  While we were there, my husband and I walked through the lobby where there was a show going on.  The show had animatronic characters singing a song.  I can only assume the song was called “There’s Nothing to Be Afraid Of.”  I assume that was the title of the song because the characters sang that line at least twenty times in the short time we were walking through the lobby.  I turned to my husband and remarked that while I was not scared before, I was thinking I might need to be scared now!  After all, why are they so adamant about telling me that there is nothing to be afraid of unless there is, in fact, something that might be kind of scary?

My point is, I have seen many parents who are worried about their child’s response to something new, prepare their child by talking about it endlessly.  A child who might not otherwise have been so worried, can then become fearful and put more energy and focus more anxiety on this thing Mom and Dad seem to be so worried about…it must be big.  Discussions about a transition need not be endless, just check-in, answer questions gently and matter-of-factly, and refrain from shaming or embarrassing children for asking what you think is a silly question.

I have two additional tip for parents with attachment disturbed children:

1.  Attachment disordered children still need safety and predictability, however, be mindful that they can often find ways to mess up vacations for themselves and put extra strain on the family by acting out when they are anxious.  Often a child worries they will mess up a vacation until they torture themselves internally about it so much that they go ahead and get in trouble just to get it over with.  Depending on your child, you may want to keep some things about a vacation private until just before they happen and to keep your plans flexible.  For example, say you have decided to go to a water park for one day during the vacation.  If possible, give yourself a window of days and times to go.  That way if your child is having a rough day you can just go the next day so they do not feel you are taking it away because they ruined things.  Then, on the day you do go, you can tell your child that morning or even on the way there and field questions as they come.  Children with attachment issues can get overly anxious and have temper tantrums as their anxiety builds and giving them a few surprises can actually save them from this anxiety in the long run.  Reserve this for things you are all doing together, do not surprise your child by telling them you are leaving them with someone else, even someone else they like.

2.  Be mindful that as you tell a child your expectations, you are not also handing them “the keys to the kingdom” as one of my colleagues likes to say.  What she means by this is that attachment disordered children are interested in what makes you the most upset so that they may use that against you whenever they are feeling anxious, insecure or fearful.  Be careful that when you are telling them your expectations as detailed in the suggestions mentioned earlier that you are not also highlighting the things that will annoy you the most if they do them.  “We are going to grandma’s and she is making cookies.  You may have two.  I expect you to use your manners.  If there is something you would like to have, please let me know so I can tell you if it is okay,” is very different from, “We are going to Grandma’s house.  No stealing, no lying.”  The first example encourages children to meet expectations, the second informs the children of the ways they can disappoint themselves yet again.

For all children, stating what you do want is always preferable to stating what you don’t want.  If I told you not to look at the title of this post, what is the first thing you think about doing?  Reading the title of course!  However, if I said to you that I hope you keep reading this post to the end, where is your attention?  Children are the same way.  High energy children, and attachment disturbed children are like this more than others and if you say, “Don’t steal,” their little minds say over and over, “Don’t steal.  Don’t steal.  Don’t steal.” until they have thought it so hard they find a chocolate bar in their pocket that they really may not have meant to have there.  If you give a child another thought such as, “Ask me if you want something,” and they say this over and over in their heads, even if it does not always work out, it plants a better seed in a child’s mind.  The more seeds like that you plant, the more likely they are to take root.

What are some transitions your children are going through?  Are there other ways you help your child with major transitions?

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June 21, 2012 Posted by | attachment disorder, child development, help for parents, Parenting | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Delighting in Children Who are Not Used to Delight

Cover of "Feelings"

Cover of Feelings

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

When I speak to parents of children with attachment related issues about trying to delight in their children, I hear a couple of common responses.  The first response is that, to be honest, their children are not all that delightful.  The parents I work with have children that lived their first several months or even years with a marked lack of being delighted in, so, because they do not know any better, they do not desire to be delighted in and, rather than feeling good, being delighted in can actually be scary, or intimidating to the child.

Even if you can find a moment of delight during the day, for parents with children with insecure or disorganized attachments I hear that they, the parent, often experience repercussions, sometimes extreme repercussions, (like the kids I have known who have taken what was otherwise a nice day and ruined it by destroying something their parents loved by, say, urinating on furniture on purpose, or cutting up a cherished item) soon thereafter.  I also have parents tell me that allowing themselves to delight in their child leads to the child becoming more demanding because the child either believes that if they do something to make their parent happy they should get some immediate reward, or the child feels good and falsely believes that the good feeling comes from something outside of them (such as the item they were delighting in or an amusement park ride).  In an attempt to continue the good feeling, the child demands more and more of the parent until the parent is sorry they delighted in the first place since they have such an ungrateful little so and so.  While some of that feeling is normal for any parent, for this post, I am focusing on those parents with a child on the far end of the attachment disordered spectrum.  All children test limits sometimes and may engage in some of these behaviors, but attachment disordered children do this as part of an ongoing pattern of behavior, rather than as a part of the normal limit-testing all children do.

What is a parent to do?  If you have a child that engages in the above mentioned behaviors when you try to delight in them, I have a few reminders to help you stay sane and remain in a place of loving kindness toward your child.

1.  Your child may not know how to share a good feeling.  In other words, due to early neglect and/or trauma, your child may not have developed the understanding of how to share good feelings with others.  They may have what I have heard called “scarcity thinking,” meaning that only one person can feel good at a time and, because they may not also have had a chance to develop empathy, they decide the person feeling good is going to be them.  Because they did not have an early environment of shared good feelings, they just do not know how to, well…share good feelings.  Remember too, that having someone notice them may have had a very different meaning for them and the meaning may not have a positive association for them.

2. Your child may not know how to experience delight.  Remember the neuron transmitters from my previous post?  Your child did not get that so, guess what, you get to teach them!  This would be a good time to review my post about chronological age vs. developmental age.  No matter the chronological age of your child, their developmental age is quite a bit younger.  How do you teach a child delight?  Like this: say something along the lines of (with a tone like Mr. Rogers, remember him?) “Look at us!  We are so happy together!  We are feeling the same feelings at the same time!”  Allow the feelings for a few moments but, as you observe your child beginning to take it over the top, in the same tone, “Sometimes I wish we could feel so happy all the time, but feelings come and go don’t they?  It was so nice to have that good feeling.  It looks like we are going back to the regular feelings now and that’s okay.”  In this way, you are teaching your child about the normal ebb and flow of feelings, and building in normalcy about delight to address the first reminder, that all feelings are around for a little while, then leave, then come back again, and that is part of being human.

3. It takes many, many encounters for a child with attachment issues to actually learn how to genuinely delight.  While a baby is primed for good feelings and eagerly absorbs them, they do that because they are also open and actually vulnerable.  When a baby learns to delight, their vulnerability has paid off.  For your child, the vulnerability did not pay off, so they stopped allowing themselves to feel vulnerable.  Remembering this can help to ease the frustration for a parent that says, “But she’s lived with me longer than she lived with them!  When is she going to learn that we are safe!”  The answer is that she will learn to feel safe if we can capture the moments where she allows herself to be vulnerable, and during that quick window, you prove to be a safe and loving person.  You prove this by maintaining a playful, loving, accepting, curious, empathic (PLACE) attitude as much as possible so that each time that window opens a little you enhance the opportunity for growth and change in your child, so that next time the window opens a bit farther for a bit longer until, eventually, it stays wide open.

4.  Think of the alignment of the planets in our solar system.  If one planet were to be knocked off-balance, the others pull it back into place using their gravitational pull.  Similarly, for your child, when they come to you having become accustomed to being the “problem child” then you treat them as if they are not, they seek familiarity (they realign the planets as they know them) by doing something to make you as angry as they are used to parents being.  We call this seeking homeostasis.  I find one way to help if you have a child who does this is to name what is happening.  In a matter of fact, gentle tone, I would suggest saying something along the lines of, “Having fun can make people uncomfortable or worried sometimes.  I think it makes you feel that way.”  Or, “I am so sad when you are too scared to let yourself be happy without making yourself pay for it later.”

I find we can be most compassionate when we can look to the origin of the issue rather than taking the response of our child personally.

If you have a child with a history of attachment issues, what have your experiences been with delight?

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June 15, 2012 Posted by | attachment, attachment disorder, help for parents, Parenting | , , , , , , | 6 Comments

The Spectrum of Attachment

This picture by Sovanna Ly -csc- can be used f...

This picture by Sovanna Ly -csc- can be used for any purpose, provided that his name is credited. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

When we look at children’s attachment styles, they typically fall into one of three categories, secure, insecure and disorganized. I explained some about these categories in my post, “What is Attachment Disorder?” This post will go more into attachment disturbance and how to tell the difference between an attachment “issue” and an attachment “disorder” and some of the symptoms you might see from a child (or adult) with attachment issues. If you are interested in learning about attachment disorders, you can find the diagnostic criteria here. I personally do not find it helpful to diagnose a disorder vs. disturbance of attachment unless I need to as a means for getting insurance reimbursement because if you look at attachment across the spectrum, you would find that we all have attachment issues.

In my world, where I see many actions through the lens of attachment, I think of it like this: picture the security of a person’s attachment on a scale from 1-10. A person with a 1 would be a person who feels worthless and unlovable in all situations across the board. They do not believe they have the power to make any positive changes in the world, nor do they believe that anyone cares about or wants to help them to make positive changes. This person would constantly live in the moment, since they do not feel as though planning helps anything and would constantly look to meet his or her own needs (without distinguishing between wants and needs) by whatever means necessary. A person operating at a  “one” steals and lies constantly, manipulates with as much sophistication as possible for their developmental level, does not seem capable of forming any lasting relationships, etc. A” 10” would be a person who never worries about rejection or abandonment from the people they love, knows they are loving and loveable at all times, and understands that all problems can be solved, etc.

The way I see it, most of us fall between a 4 and an 8. From 1-4, I would say you have a disorder: an attachment style that presents major problems in your day to day life that requires specialized therapeutic treatment. A 5-8 is what I would call a good, healthy neurotic: while therapy is an option for difficult times, the gaps and insecurities in attachment are manageable most of the time as long as life is relatively stable for you. Yes, you worry about people leaving you sometimes and might avoid conflict when it might be healthier for you to confront an issue, or make a confrontation out of something that really could have been a constructive conversation, but, overall, life feels manageable and you have areas you do well in even if there are parts where you feel you struggle.

All of our internal feelings and perceptions about ourselves can be seen through behaviors. To figure out if someone has serious attachment issues, we need to look at what the symptoms are of an attachment disturbance. Here are some of the things practitioners who see people with attachment disturbance look for:

Difficulty maintaining eye contact with primary caregivers (especially when someone is saying something loving)

  • Constant lying
  • Manipulating situations
  • Lack of language to express feelings
  • Lower developmental age than chronological age
  • History of multiple primary caregivers (foster care, adoption at an older age, frequent changes in child care providers)
  • Stealing
  • Identification with the villain in movies
  • Playing with fire
  • Bullying and/or blindly following others who are a bad influence
  • Abusing animals
  • Seeming lack of remorse or conscience
  • Difficulty empathizing with others
  • Lack of understanding of cause and effect
  • No trust in authorities
  • A constant seeking for control of every situation

Now, before you start worrying that you and your child will be featured on the next segment of “Kids who Kill” on 20/20, let me point out that it is a combination of all of these features that would point toward a diagnosis of attachment disorder. Even though headaches are associated with brain tumors, you would not automatically assume you have a tumor every time you have a headache. Also, it is not only the presence, but the severity and consistency of the symptoms that informs the diagnosis. For example, we have all probably lied a few times this week. We said we were fine, or even great when asked “how’s it going?” rather than saying, “Well, everything’s going well except for my job.” Or maybe a telemarketer called and asked you for a few minutes of your time but you said you were busy when really you were not.

Just like with attachment being on a spectrum, so are the symptoms. If you stole $20 out of your mother’s wallet once when you were 13 and felt awful about it, that is very different than being 13 and stealing from your mother, your brother, and the teacher’s desk at school whenever you get the chance, and your stealing includes anything from candy and treats to money, toys, and clothes. Also, when you were 13 and stole that time, maybe you had a specific purchase in mind or something you were going to do with the money. That too is different from stealing whenever the chance presents itself as if you needed to fill a perceived lack with any and every chance that comes along.

I have mentioned before Daniel Hughes book, “Building the Bonds of Attachment.” This, to me, really is the best book with the most readable format* that explains what happens with a child with attachment disorder, while simultaneously showing how secure attachments are made.  You can easily link to find his book, and other books about attachment that I recommend on Amazon by clicking on the “Amazon widgets” link at the top right corner of my webpage.**

Something that can make an attachment related diagnosis difficult to make, is differentiating it from other diagnosies, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or even early bipolar disorder or schitzophrenia. That is why, this post should never substitute for seeing a mental health practitioner. It is possible for children and adults to have any or all of those issues and each needs to be carefully treated. If you are concerned that your child needs therapy for attachment disorder, please find a mental health practitioner. I give tips on how to do this here. I give tips on how to get insurance to reimburse specialiazed therapy here.

What are your questions about attachment? Do you have a question about something that your child does and whether it is attachment related? Please feel free to ask here or comment. Or you can contact me directly, helpforyourfamily@gmail.com.

*If you are not a practitioner, I would suggest that you skip or skim the first 50 pages of the book.  Even as a practitioner, I found them difficult but I am glad I kept reading after that.

**see disclaimer page

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June 8, 2012 Posted by | attachment, attachment disorder, help for parents | , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Beautiful Blogger Award

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

Karen, the Queen of Familiosity, was kind enough to nominate me for the Beautiful Blogger Award.  I feel so beautiful!  Thank you Karen, for thinking of me so kindly.  I encourage everyone to check out Karen’s blog, especially the beautiful Navajo Prayer she shared in her recent post when she was nominated as a beautiful blogger.  I plan to live up to my new award by continuting to provide blogs that come from my heart because I know that anything that comes from the heart is beautiful.

Here are tasks asked of those who choose to accept the nomination as  a Beautiful Blogger:

1. Thank the one who nominated you by linking back.

2. Tell one unknown fact about yourself.

3.Nominate five blogs.

4. Let your nominees know by leaving a comment on their sites.

5. Copy and paste the award image on your site.

Now that I have thanked Karen, I will proceed to tell an unknown fact about myself while trying to keep it relevant to the content of my blog.  I’m going to make this a two for one deal.  Here’s the first one…this blog is as much for me as it is for you.  I write it because it keeps me mindful of the things I need to focus on, it encourages me to continue to expand my own knowledge about myself and the children I work with.

In case that first item wasn’t enough, I’ll throw in a second unknown fact.  For fun recently, I got my palm read.  The woman who read my palm was actually quite interesting.  We had a funny moment when she looked at the side of my hand and her eyes opened wide.  She stammered for a moment as she asked me how many children I have.  I told her I have two.  She asked me if I have any other children that are close to me as if they were my own children and I told her what I do for a living.  She started laughing and said that I must care deeply for them because there are many, many children showing up as mine on the side of my palm- more than she could count.  I smiled because I know that I do carry many children in my heart and, apparently, on the sides of my hands as well 🙂

Now, to nominate five others.  I have been so lucky to find so many good blogs.  I know a few that were recently nominated and appropriately so like One Inch of Grace and Mom Meets Blog.

This time, I’ve decided to nominate:

1. dirtyrottenparenting– I especially loved her No Modesty Mother’s Day post.

2. Hike.Blog.Love– If you are an adoptive parent of an older child, do not miss the post she wrote to her “pre-mommy” self- I linked to that one specifically.

3. insaniteen– an honest look at raising teens with varied needs that includes the difficulty of allowing them to feel the consequences of their choices.

4. Mombian– a wonderful resource for LGBT parents

5. Dad Loves Daddy– the Road to King post was so sweet I was holding back tears.

I hope you enjoy these wonderful blogs and thanks again to Karen for the nomination!

June 6, 2012 Posted by | blog awards and recognition | , , | Leave a comment

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

English: Couple on the street with child, Cent...

English: Couple on the street with child, Centro Habana, Havana, Cuba. December 2006. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

I’m going to take a little trip away from talking about parent/child relationships to talking about the relationship between the parents.  Just like parenthood, it is impossible for anyone to predict before entering into a relationship just what will happen next.  No matter what the reason you had for building your family by birthing, fostering, or adopting children, it will, without question, change your relationship with your child’s other parent and may, at times, leave you scratching your head about whether to stay or go in this relationship.

I have personally found, and I believe it is also true for my clients, that during each stage of my own children’s development I re-live parts of my own childhood.  It starts in infancy.  It was when my children were infants that I looked at my daughters while rocking them and wondered, “Did my parents look at me this way?  Did they feel this awe?  This fierce protective feeling?  Did they love me this much?”  For me, for those questions, the answer was a yes, I don’t remember myself as an infant, but I know it in my soul.  I have other, unanswered questions about other stages…the vast majority of us do.  Our most intense questions seem to be the ones we have not resolved.  People with a history of trauma tend to ask whether their child feels protected.  We may compare the expectations of our parents for us to our expectations for our own children.  When we pause to think about it, the questions can bubble up seemingly out of nowhere.  All parents- even child therapists- wade through these swampy waters.

I can not think of a situation that raises intense questions more for any parent than when the relationship between parents is going through a major transition.  The start of parenthood is a major transition.  No longer do you have the option of pretending that you are not connected to each other for life.  The time for walking away from each other and having the ability to completely cut ties if things go wrong is past.  Even if someone seems to have walked away, rest assured, they may be gone, but they are not forgotten by anyone, nor have they forgotten.  Similarly, your decision about leaving a relationship also becomes infinitely more complex as you are no longer considering only how this change would impact you but, I assume if you are reading this post, you are also someone who would consider whether that change would impact your children as well.  I wish I had easy answers.  I don’t, but I have, throughout the years, come across some helpful questions and observations that I use when I have a client, or client’s parents trying to work through these issues.  With that in mind, here are a few thoughts to help you in your journey.

1.  This first question, I’m going to paraphrase from memory and it comes from author and coach, Cheryl Richardson (her most recent book is “You Can Create an Exceptional Life*” and her radio show is call “Coach on Call” on Hay House Radio).  It goes something like this: “If you decided to believe that from this moment on that your partner was never going to change a single thing about themselves, would you want to stay with them?”  Let me be more specific: if they never gained or lost a single pound, if they never took you out more, nagged less, spent more or less time with the children, at work or with friends, etc. would you still want to stay with them?  This is important because despite our longing to change people, we really can’t.  There is no magical combination of words that will create change for a person unless they are ready to change.  Take a moment to consider the possibility that your partner will never change, then think about if you still want to stay.

2.  If you decide that you would not want to stay with this person unless they make changes, what is it that you absolutely require from your partner in order to stay?  In other words, what are the nonnegotiables in order for you to want to be in a relationship?  A little warning for this step is that this is a question that tends to bring out our inner critic.  The inner critic tells us we should have known from the beginning that we needed that and that it is too late to ask for it now.  After all, you decided to have children with this person so, as the saying goes, “you made your bed and now you have to lie in it,” and so on and so on.  The critic can be relentless. Let me strongly encourage you to take a moment to tell your inner critic that you are not making the decision based on this question alone, only that this is a part of knowing what to do next.  That being said, what is your bottom line on staying in this relationship?  Requiring the absence of abuse, emotional manipulation, and dishonesty can seem like no-brainers to some of us, but, if those are things we grew up with, we can easily come to expect that they are part of life and are to be expected.  Let me assure you, they are not a part of every relationship and if it is your belief that they are, please contact a therapist to begin to work on loving yourself more.  I have met too many people who have said to me that they are staying with the person they are with because they don’t cheat and don’t hit.  I’m going to encourage you to go beyond this.  If you can’t think of the relationship you would want for yourself, think of the relationship you hope your children will have with a romantic partner one day.

3.  This next one is a helpful “re-frame.”  I got it from listening to Robert Holden (author of Shift Happens* and host of a radio show with the same title on Hay House Radio).  He makes an important point that even if you decide to “end” what you think of as your relationship with your child’s other parent, you are really only ending one part of your relationship.  In reality, what you are thinking of as an ending is actually a transition from one kind of relationship to another- from romantic, to co-parenting.  If you are anticipating this change, please remember that people can act differently in different situations.  I have seen parents where, if I’m being honest, I understand why the relationship ended with their partner, however, that same person can be a “good enough” parent.  Sure, they may not do things the way you do them.  But, just take a moment to think of every way you have ever seen someone fold clothes.  Does everyone fold them the same way?  Of course not!  Even if the clothes are folded differently are they still folded?  Yes.  Sure, you may have a preference for how things are done, but your life will be easier if you stay open to the possibility (as long as the other parent is not abusive) that your child’s other parent may have an alternative and acceptable way of parenting as well.  Having this attitude can improve your relationship whether or not it stays romantic or transitions to co-parenting.

4.  This might be the most important of my tips.  For the sake of your relationships with your child’s other parent, your child, and yourself, take really, really good care of yourself.  The only thing we can control is how we react to different situations.  We cannot change people with ultimatums, threats, and resentment.  What we can do is to really take care of ourselves.  Have you been telling yourself that as soon as your partner’s issues are taken care of you will____ (fill in the blank, lose weight, stop smoking, meditate)?  Guess what?  When you do that you are holding your partner up to a higher standard than you are holding yourself up to.  Take time to be the kind of person you want to be with.  Follow your interests, be loving, take care of your chores around the house, laugh often.  When we do these things there are a few possibilities.  One possibility is that you will find that you are happier and see how you may have been contributing to the unhappiness in the relationship.  Another is that you will find that you are strong enough to leave the relationship if it becomes apparent that it is not healthy for you.  Still another is that your partner may take notice of your positive changes and begin to make some as well by your example.  I know your children will do just that also.

Perhaps the overall question of staying or going is the wrong one after all.  More importantly, we want to ask, “Who do I want to be in this relationship?”  If we can ask and answer that question, then work to get to be that person, then we can find happiness either in or outside of any relationship.  It is when we stop looking to outside relationships to fix something inside that we find ourselves and when you find yourself to be a person you will always like, that you will always want to be with and around, that you will also find you are able to have relationships with others that meet your expectations as well.  I strongly encourage anyone considering separation or divorce from their child’s other parent to seek therapists knowledgable in helping parents to create a healthy co-parenting relationship.

*You can find the links to purchase any books mentioned in this post by clicking the Amazon widgets button at the top, right hand corner of this page.  See disclaimer page.

May 30, 2012 Posted by | parent support/ self improvement, Parenting, thinking about therapy? | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Monday is Parent Affirmation Day at Help 4 Your Family! 5/21/2012

an animated clock

an animated clock (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

Get ready to laugh and tell me I’m wrong!  I have heard many versions of this affirmation but the person I got it from is the mother of affirmations herself, Louise Hay.  This week’s affirmation is:

Everything is happening at just the right time.

I know you do not believe me but give me a minute to talk you through it.  I know it feels like things happen too slow, too fast, or at just the wrong time!  This affirmation requires a little faith that there is a plan for us.  Even if you are not a believer in a higher power, doesn’t it just make life simpler to believe that everything is happening at just the right time?  I use this affirmation when I am running late and, I’m happy to tell you that when I use it, and believe it, everything does happen at just the right time.  One time I used it recently was when I was running late to meet my daughter at school because I had promised I would eat lunch with her.  I hate running late.  I decided that I was going to obey traffic laws, and I just repeated to myself over and over that things happen at just the right time.  I was still five minutes late, but guess what?  The lunch before my daughter’s ran over by five minutes and I actually ended up entering the cafeteria at the same time she did.  I also had not stressed myself out on the way there, which would require me to calm myself down before I could be present for my daughter.

You can use this affirmation for big things too.  Birth, death, illness, and entering a romantic relationship, are all things that come to mind.  Before you think I am trivializing any of those transitions I just mentioned, I want you to know I have experienced all of them, just like you.  Carrying with me the belief that everything is happening at just the right time even if I don’t understand it, gets me through a lot and I will share a personal story to demonstrate how this affirmation has come true in my own life.

When I was a child, just about to turn nine, my older brother, who was just about to turn 12, died suddenly from an undiagnosed illness the summer before he would be entering middle school.  I would never wish this on anyone, and no- there is never a good time for this to happen, but there might be a right time.  Move forward in time to the night I met my husband for the first time.  I was at a party and one of my brother’s friends, who I had not seen since he died, walked into the party with another friend.  He actually was pretty shocked to see me and had a pretty strong reaction when he realized who I was.  We started talking and he introduced me to his friend- my future husband.  Had my brother lived and gone on to middle school, he and his friend would have probably drifted apart, since they were going to go to different schools.  His friend might not have had the same memories of me that caused him to come right too me to talk and introduce me to his friend.  My husband and I might not have had a strong immediate connection and who knows what might have happened?  I can’t imagine my life without the husband and children that I have.  I wouldn’t change a thing about them or about my life right now.  This is one way that I make sense of the death of my brother.  Everything happens at just the right time.

Even if it is hard to believe right now, try this affirmation out.  Say it many, many times to yourself.  Remind yourself that you don’t have to know the “why” of things happening, but that they are happening at just the right time.

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May 21, 2012 Posted by | affirmations | , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

It’s Not Just Strangers: Protecting Young Children from Abuse- Part I

child abuse

child abuse (Photo credit: Southworth Sailor)

I hate to break this to you in case you didn’t already know it but strangers are not the main cause of harm to children.  While we talk to children about “stranger danger,” as parents, we sometimes fail to talk to them about ways to protect themselves from people they come across in their daily lives who may be harmful to them.  Statistically, children are much more likely to be harmed by someone they know.  In cases of sexual abuse, for example, 90% of child victims know the perpetrator in some way^.  In 1994, Dr. Gene Abel, conducted a study of 453 pedophiles.  In total, those pedophiles admitted to over 67,000 victims, averaging out to 148 victims per perpetrator^^.  In my own experience, I have seen that most perpetrators have multiple victims and that sexual abuse is much less likely to be reported and prosecuted in the United States.  In this post, I am focusing on sexual abuse since that is the most under-reported of the abuses, however, you can use many of the same rules for neglect and physical abuse.  Rather than encouraging fear, I would like to tell you some ways you can prepare your children in case anyone ever does try to inappropriately touch or discipline them.  In my next post, I will tell you about signs you can look for to prevent abuse before it occurs.

Tips for teaching your young children about abuse prevention:

1.  Talk with your young child about the rules about private parts, namely that: private parts are the parts covered by your bathing suit; the only people who can touch private parts are parents when you are taking a bath or helping to change a diaper or going potty, and doctors during an exam.

2. Define other types of abuse as well: if someone hits you and leaves a mark, or does not take care of you when they are supposed to- like a babysitter who would leave a child home alone, then come back before the parents get home.  Tell your child that no one has permission to hit them even if they say they do, and that no one is supposed to leave them home alone.

3.  Teach children that if anyone tries to do anything you have just taught them is abusive they should: 1. say no, 2. get away, 3.  tell someone (list a few people it is okay to tell).

4.  Teach kids that people who would try to touch private parts, or hit, or neglect kids can be tricky.  If someone says they are going to hurt someone else if you tell something, don’t be tricked!  Tell!

5.  Teach children to listen to the “uh oh” feeling.  If anyone they know gives them an “uh oh” feeling (usually you feel it in your tummy, throat or head) then instruct your child to tell you as soon as possible.

6.  If you see your child acting strange around another adults and it makes you uncomfortable, when they are away from that person, gently bring up that you noticed they seemed different and get curious about why that might be.

7.  Encourage your child to build a vocabulary for feelings and talk about feelings in your family.  If you have difficulty with this, remember our affirmation for last week was: My children give me constant opportunities to learn and grow.  See, you have a learning, growing opportunity right here.

8.  Keep an open dialogue with children about okay and not okay touches.  Allow your child to speak up if they do not want to hug or kiss someone and back them up if they say or use body language to show that they do not want someone touching them.  Give them alternatives to help them problem solve like a fist bump, a high-five, or a hand shake, or if you find yourself witnessing your child being uncomfortable with a person trying to touch them, you can say something like, “Jake’s not quite ready for a hug, how about a high-five?”

Watch the language and tone that you use during your conversations with kids about this topic.  Children can misinterpret a very serious parent for an angry parent and feel like they are in trouble if you take the conversation too seriously. Keep the conversation light.  Remember Mr. Rogers from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood?  If you don’t remember him, think of a gentle teacher you have met and emulate them.  Just like talking to kids about “stranger danger” this is not a one-time conversation.  Check in periodically with kids about what they would do if anyone ever tried to touch them.

Do you have questions about protecting your children from abuse?  Please feel free to ask them in the comments section.

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^http://www.childhelp.org/pages/statistics

^^http://www.cpiu.us/statistics-2/

 

May 16, 2012 Posted by | child development, help for parents, keeping children safe | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Monday is Parenting Affirmation Day! 5-14-2012

Mathematics homework

Mathematics homework (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s Monday, May 14th- Parent Affirmation day at Help 4 Your Family! Today’s affirmation is one I use a lot:

I give my children age appropriate time and space to solve their own problems.

This affirmation is good for many kinds of situations.  One is watching our children struggle with something.  This affirmation helps us to remember that there are some struggles that are age appropriate and that our children will benefit from resolving on their own because they want to learn it.  Rebecca from Mom Meets Blog writes about this in her sweet post about her son that you can read here.

Another situation where this affirmation is helpful is when our children are struggling with something and do not want to learn it- but we know it is age appropriate for them to do so.  A child who works really hard to get to you to give him the answers to homework assignments would be an example of a time when you can repeat this affirmation to yourself to remind yourself that you are helping, not hurting, your child by allowing them to experience the struggle.

Also, I use the words “age appropriate” purposely.  I find that as parents we sometimes forget that as sophistocated as our children may seem, that there are some expectations that may not be age appropriate- expecting a 10-year-old to clean the kitchen to the same standards as an adult, or telling a child they must work things out with a bully at school who is threatening violence are two examples that come to mind.

Saying this affirmation over and over throughout the day makes it become a part of you and of your regular parenting practice.

When have you had to use an affirmation like this?

Do you have a parenting affirmation you would like to share?

Related articles:

Monday is Parenting Affirmation Day! (help4yourfamily.com)

Parenting With Affirmations (help4yourfamily.com)

Chronological vs. Developmental Age (help4yourfamily.com)

I Was a Cereal Killer (MomMeetsBlog.wordpress.com)

May 14, 2012 Posted by | affirmations, help for parents | , , , , , | 6 Comments

Do you like how you are feeling?

Angry cat

Angry cat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Here is another tip for your parenting tool kit.  It consists of asking a simple question to your children…Do you like how you are feeling?

I ask my children this when they are grumbling at me about a perceived injustice or when they are frustrated or angry about something.  This may seem counter-intuitive.  After all, it is pretty clear how they are feeling, and really, who would chose to feel that way?  Also, I believe that many parents have been taught that we are responsible for the feelings of our children.  We are responsible to be kind to our children.  We are responsible for educating our children.  We are responsible for keeping them safe.  But to say that we are responsible for their feelings when we are being kind and keeping them safe is to pretend that we have control over something we do not.  In the moment that our children get angry over harsh words from a friend, or frustrated over homework, then begin to lash out at us, many parents begin to feel as though it is our job to make it all better for them.   We tell them the friend was wrong to say that and go about getting angry at the friend (even if, upon reflection, the friend had a point), or we show them how to do the math problem even though they are too frustrated to learn it.  Many times this way of doing things can leave us angry because we have taken on the feelings of our child and they do not even appear to be grateful for our help!  How irritating.

I have another idea I would like to suggest.  Ask your child, “Do you like how you are feeling?”  Often times this gives a child a moment to pause and think.  They will, in most cases, pause to take in what you are asking, because this is different from your normal response to their behavior.  When they respond that they do not, you can gently suggest that they try to change that.  It goes like this:

Child: I hate Math, the stupid teacher gave us work we’ve never done in class!  (child continues to grumble).

Parent: Do you like how you are feeling right now?

Child: Huh? (Don’t worry- they are thinking about it)… No!

Parent:  Why don’t you change that?

Child: I can’t change it!  This stupid teacher gave us the worst homework ever!  I hate her!

Parent: Yes, and you are choosing to feel very angry about it.  I can see that.  Would you like to make a different choice?

This conversation often ends in a child huffing at you and grumbling some more.  You really do not need to say anything else, unless your child asks you for suggestions to change their mood (then give them some).  Stay curious in your tone, avoid sounding critical.  The goal of this conversation is not to end all bad feelings.  That is not a realistic dream anyway.  Sometimes math is just hard!  However, what you do accomplish with this conversation is a lesson about each of us being responsible for our own feelings.  I have used this conversation with my own daughters since they were three and it has worked quite well.  While they do have some times when they are grouchy, often times, after I ask this question, they end up wandering off to their rooms to reflect for a few minutes and come back to the family with a better attitude.  For younger children, you may want to talk them through it a bit, but I would strongly suggest that you wait until they ask you for help instead of jumping in to give it right away since when they come to you with a question, they are much more likely to listen to the answer.

The unintended consequence of this conversation is good as well.  Now that I use this intervention consistently as part of my parenting tool kit, I also find myself asking the same question internally when I am in a bad mood.  I hear myself grumbling at the children, then I hear my own voice in my head asking if I like how I am feeling right now, then suggesting that I change it.  This is why you want to make extra sure that you say these words to your children with as much love as possible, because soon, they will be echoing in your own ears.

Please feel free to share other ways you teach children to be responsible for their own feelings.  Have you tried this way?  How did it work for you?

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May 11, 2012 Posted by | discipline, help for parents | , , , , , , | 3 Comments

When your inner critic hurts your relationship with your children

Written by Kate Oliver, LCSW-C

We all have an inner critic.  Some of us have several.  You know, that voice in your head that just feels like it is part of you?  It’s the one that tells you that you did it wrong again, you are not working hard enough to fix your child’s problem, and reminds you of all the times you tried and failed to get items knocked off your “to do” list.  If you are not fully familiar with your inner critic, the next time you are upset about something, take a moment to listen to your thought process.  What are the thoughts floating through your head at that moment?  Our inner critic can be harsh…and sneaky.  We don’t even know it’s there, it feels so much a part of us.

I’ve heard our inner critic (or critics) referred to as “the committee.”

Committee

Committee (Photo credit: Editor B)

I love this because it is so true.  Think about the act of going to the grocery store and passing through the cookie aisle.  The committee gets activated!  You hear one part of your committee saying, “Get the cookies you like, you deserve it!”  Another part of your committee chimes in, “Yeah, your butt loves those cookies so much it will hold onto them all the way through summer.”  Then the internal negotiator pipes up, “Maybe there is a new, healthy cookie out that you could try.  Or, if you get the individual packs, you won’t eat the whole thing in two days and you can enjoy your cookies over the next few days, a little at a time.”  Of course then the critic chimes in, “Fat chance…get it?  Fat chance?  Haha.”  And so on.  Even after making a temporary decision to leave the aisle, or put the cookies into the cart, your mind wanders back as you continue through the store, either feeling like you should take the cookies out of the cart, or wondering if you will pass by other cookies and if you will be able to pass them over too.  Is it just me?  I don’t think so, maybe for you it’s not cookies, maybe it’s picking the right birthday card for a friend, or what job to take, the email you are sending to a friend, etc.

When the committee gets involved, we can all empathize with the wish someone stated to me once when he said he wanted to put them on a bus and send them away for the weekend.  Since that is not possible, what is the alternative?  I have one that may surprise you.  Think about loving them.  That’s right, envelop each part of your committee with love and thank it for working so hard on your behalf.  Right now I imagine there are quite a few people reading this who will argue that there is a part of them that is just plain wrong, that it is a part they would like to eliminate completely and that the focus should be on eliminating the “bad” parts.  If you are saying that, here is my question to you…how is that working for you?  I’m guessing that has not been so successful or you would not still be reading this post.   I might suggest that telling them to go away hasn’t been working so well so far.

If you want to try something new, take a moment to reflect on what it is each member of your committee is trying to say to you.  Try to listen to one at a time.  Are they trying to convey important information about your health, safety, or emotional well-being?  Is your committee chiming in about ways to keep yourself or your family safe?  Is it reminding you of something you need to know right now?  I promise you that even the most seemingly destructive parts of you are trying to help you in some way.   When you figure out the message, imagine yourself giving that part of you a hug and thanking it for it’s input, like you would a friend that just told you something that was really hard to say.  Make sure it knows you got the message and that you will take it into consideration.  Often times these parts of us, our committee, can be like any other team meeting where, if people feel like their important message is not being heard they just repeat it over and over again, saying it louder and louder, until people finally take notice.  Your committee may be doing this now.

Remember, listening to your committee does not mean that you will do exactly what they say, but, just like your children, if you take time to really listen to them, and they feel heard, they are more likely to listen when you tell them no, feel good when you agree, and feel less and less like they need to yell to be heard.

If it is confusing when I say to listen to your committee then listen to yourself, since your committee is part of you, that is understandable.  What I mean is, your committee members are all aspects of who you are.  At your core is you.  The you who knows what you really need, the you who is connected to all the love you feel for yourself and others, the you that does not need to judge anyone else, and is the same you that is connected to a higher, spiritual purpose.  Some people call it their higher self.  We all have this, it is the part that tells us we can do this, forgives us our imperfections, and that finds creative ways to solve any issues.  Take a few moments each day to connect with your committee, then to connect with your core, or higher self.  If you worry about fitting this into your daily routine, remember, thinking is free and can be done anywhere.  Even people with young children can take a few minutes a day to sit when the kids are in bed or are eerily quiet in the next room to check in with their inner dialogue.  The process of getting to know yourself and find peace within does not happen in one day, rather, it happens in increments over time.  It takes a lifetime, which is okay, because you have that long to do it.

A word of caution, your committee may try to tell you that doing this is too difficult and to stop or you won’t like what happens next!  Should you hear that warning from your committee, I would urge you to find a therapist to help you navigate the murky waters of your inner workings.  Over time you will find that the process of getting to know yourself can be like finding a long, lost friend that you have been missing desperately for a long time.

Doing this exercise is especially important for parents because, I hate to tell you, our inner dialogue shows to our children whether we like it or not and becomes their inner dialogue.  The best thing we can do for them is to clean up our inner space and be infinitely loving to ourselves so that our children may follow our example.

There are guides for this type of work as well. Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 2nd Edition by Jay Earley (Jan 27, 2012) is one such book.  It is available on Amazon and if you click on the Amazon widget link at the top right of this screen you can find out more about it.  Please read my disclaimer page.

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May 9, 2012 Posted by | help for parents, parent support/ self improvement | , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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