Do you like how you are feeling?
Angry cat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Here is another tip for your parenting tool kit. It consists of asking a simple question to your children…Do you like how you are feeling?
I ask my children this when they are grumbling at me about a perceived injustice or when they are frustrated or angry about something. This may seem counter-intuitive. After all, it is pretty clear how they are feeling, and really, who would chose to feel that way? Also, I believe that many parents have been taught that we are responsible for the feelings of our children. We are responsible to be kind to our children. We are responsible for educating our children. We are responsible for keeping them safe. But to say that we are responsible for their feelings when we are being kind and keeping them safe is to pretend that we have control over something we do not. In the moment that our children get angry over harsh words from a friend, or frustrated over homework, then begin to lash out at us, many parents begin to feel as though it is our job to make it all better for them. We tell them the friend was wrong to say that and go about getting angry at the friend (even if, upon reflection, the friend had a point), or we show them how to do the math problem even though they are too frustrated to learn it. Many times this way of doing things can leave us angry because we have taken on the feelings of our child and they do not even appear to be grateful for our help! How irritating.
I have another idea I would like to suggest. Ask your child, “Do you like how you are feeling?” Often times this gives a child a moment to pause and think. They will, in most cases, pause to take in what you are asking, because this is different from your normal response to their behavior. When they respond that they do not, you can gently suggest that they try to change that. It goes like this:
Child: I hate Math, the stupid teacher gave us work we’ve never done in class! (child continues to grumble).
Parent: Do you like how you are feeling right now?
Child: Huh? (Don’t worry- they are thinking about it)… No!
Parent: Why don’t you change that?
Child: I can’t change it! This stupid teacher gave us the worst homework ever! I hate her!
Parent: Yes, and you are choosing to feel very angry about it. I can see that. Would you like to make a different choice?
This conversation often ends in a child huffing at you and grumbling some more. You really do not need to say anything else, unless your child asks you for suggestions to change their mood (then give them some). Stay curious in your tone, avoid sounding critical. The goal of this conversation is not to end all bad feelings. That is not a realistic dream anyway. Sometimes math is just hard! However, what you do accomplish with this conversation is a lesson about each of us being responsible for our own feelings. I have used this conversation with my own daughters since they were three and it has worked quite well. While they do have some times when they are grouchy, often times, after I ask this question, they end up wandering off to their rooms to reflect for a few minutes and come back to the family with a better attitude. For younger children, you may want to talk them through it a bit, but I would strongly suggest that you wait until they ask you for help instead of jumping in to give it right away since when they come to you with a question, they are much more likely to listen to the answer.
The unintended consequence of this conversation is good as well. Now that I use this intervention consistently as part of my parenting tool kit, I also find myself asking the same question internally when I am in a bad mood. I hear myself grumbling at the children, then I hear my own voice in my head asking if I like how I am feeling right now, then suggesting that I change it. This is why you want to make extra sure that you say these words to your children with as much love as possible, because soon, they will be echoing in your own ears.
Please feel free to share other ways you teach children to be responsible for their own feelings. Have you tried this way? How did it work for you?
Related articles
- Trash Your Behavior Charts! (help4yourfamily.com)
- When Your Inner Critic Hurts Your Relationship With Your Child (help4yourfamily.com)
- Ten Free Ways to Break Free From a Bad Mood (help4yourfamily.com)
Monday is parenting affirmation day at Help 4 Your Family!
From now on, Monday is going to be parent affirmation day at Help 4 Your Family. Sometimes I will share affirmations I have created and used, other times I will quote affirmations from teachers I have come to trust.
For this Monday, May 7, 2012 your parenting affirmation is:
My children give me constant opportunities to learn and grow.
Now, you know this one makes you smile, even when you are tired. I would suggest that, to make this part of your self-talk, you repeat it many times throughout the day. Say it to yourself in the mirror, and mention it to your friends in conversations.
If you have a parenting affirmation that you would like to share, please feel free to let me know. Maybe you will see it some other Monday 🙂
All the best to your family,
Kate
End the Hassle! Tell kids what they deserve.
Hey Dad..! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Today’s parenting tip that I have for you is so simple but it could change so many of the more frustrating conversations you have with your children. Are you ready? When your children are hounding you about doing something you don’t think is a good idea, instead of saying no and negotiating back and forth about when they can, how much, why not, etc. try framing the issue in terms of what they deserve. You know how this usually goes. You tell your child they can’t do something or they have to do something and they start to argue and negotiate. Why can’t I? All the other kids do! You’re mean! Until you wonder if it was really important in the first place, or their arguments become so darned sophisticated that they have convinced you to go against your better judgement in regard to their health and safety. Telling your kids what they deserve can end some of that and help you to keep focused on the main goal, the health and safety of your children. It looks like this:
Example 1:
Kid: Mom, the other kids in my class don’t have to sit in a booster car seat any more! (feel free to imagine this as a whine)
Mom: You deserve to be as safe as possible and the booster keeps you safe.
Example 2:
Kid: Why can’t I have another cookie? I only had a few!
Mom: You deserve to be healthy, let’s give your body the food it deserves.
Example 3:
Kid: Hey Dad, can I go to Joe’s party this weekend?
Dad: Will there be adults present?
Kid: But Dad! You don’t trust me?! I never get to do anything!
Dad: You deserve to be safe.
Framing your decisions this way will not save you from eye-rolls, huffing and puffing, or pouting all together. Nothing saves you from those things completely, but it may shorten some of the duration. It also saves some of the mental gymnastics for you. For every arguement they come up with about the same issue, you can stop and ponder for a moment, then repeat how much you feel as though they really deserve to be safe, healthy, free from hurtful relationship or friendships, etc. After all, it is difficult to argue back with someone telling you how important you are over and over. Also, remember that our internal self talk is shaped by the way we were spoken to by our parents. Wouldn’t you prefer that your child’s self talk as they grow be “I deserve to eat healthy foods” over “don’t eat that, it’s bad for you?”
Related articles
- Two things your kids tell their therapists about you (help4yourfamily.com)
- Trash Your Behavior Charts! (help4yourfamily.com)
getting insurance to finance specialized therapy
No matter how you feel about the whole health insurance debate in the United States, I think most of us can agree that dealing with insurance companies can be confusing and frustrating. It can almost seem like the insurance companies have their own special language and code words. If you have a child in need of specialized therapy, or you are in need of therapy yourself, going through your insurance can seem really daunting and to add to the difficulty, many specialists no longer deal with insurance. My hope is that this post will help you navigate the way US insurance companies work so that you can get services paid for (even if they are out-of-network).
Do not let your insurance’s first response, where they say they are not funding an out of network provider, or they say they will but will only pay 20%, throw you off. You still have options, they just aren’t going to tell you what they are. Let’s start with a quick primer on insurance “lingo” you need to know:
in-network providers– are providers covered by your insurance company. If you are going to an in-network provider your insurance company has an agreement with your provider so that they are likely to pay most of the bill except for your regular co-pay.
out-of-network providers– are providers your insurance company does not have an agreement with. If you are calling your insurance company and they say the provider you are calling about is out-of-network, you will want to ask if you have out-of-network benefits on your plan. If they say no- do not panic- you have options!
usual customary rate (UCR)- is the rate your insurance customarily agrees to pay for a given service. When your insurance says they will pay 70% of the UCR that means they will pay 70% of what they normally agree to for that service- which is often different from what the specialist charges. If your insurance says they cover a percentage of the UCR, ask them what the UCR is for the service you are getting. If they say $80 and they cover 70% of the UCR, that means they will reimburse you or the therapist $56 and you would be responsible for the remainder of the UCR if you are seeing an in-network provider, or the remainder of the provider’s fee for out of network providers.
Now that you know these terms. give your insurance a call and see what they have to say about the provider you want to see. Remember to also ask if you have a deductible and how much of your deductible has been covered. Other insurances have a rate that changes, for example, they pay 20% for sessions 1-5, 40% for session 6-30 and 70% for sessions 31 and above. Don’t worry, I’ll summarize at the end so you can get all the questions together.
So, what do you do if your insurance company tells you your chosen specialist is not covered?
Gather the information that makes your provider special. Do they have special skills and training to help your child that other providers do not have? My clients that call would tell their insurance I have specialized training in trauma, attachment and adoption- if they are bringing their children for one or all of those reasons- pick only the issues that pertain to you and your child. Ask your insurance if they have anyone in-network that provides that same level of expertise. Your insurance is required to find someone with comparable skills within a reasonable distance of your home who has the specialized skills you require. If they do not, they are required to offer to pay their UCR to your specialist. If you have a willing specialist, with just a short conversation with your insurance, they can negotiate a rate for services. I have done this several times now.
To summarize, the questions for your insurance are:
1. Is (name of the provider) in-network for my plan?
2. Do I need authorization?- asking the question starts the process if you need it.
3. If my provider is out-of-network, do you have an in-network provider with the same skills and availability within reasonable distance from my house?
4. If you do not have anyone in-network, could you offer the provider a single case agreement?
5. What is my deductible?
6. What is the reimbursement for this service?
7. If they mention UCR, what is the UCR?
Remember, if they say they have an in-network provider with the same skills as your specialist, make sure to follow up and call that specialist to make sure they are taking clients because if they are not, you can call the insurance back to report and they need to find someone else or offer a single case agreement.
In case you understand better with a flow chart, I have included one of those below as well. If you have further questions or would like clarification, please ask in a comment. This stuff is confusing and someone else probably has the same question!
Teaching young children about “stranger danger”
Street photography – photograph of a child watching children play on the grounds of Arts College at Osmania University, Hyderabad, AP – India. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I am writing this post in response to a post by GorillaParenting’s post, “Stranger Danger- Gorilla Parenting- Fail!” I will re-blog it so you can see the quick video of (I assume) the writer’s daughter answering the question, “What do you do if a stranger tries to give you a piece of candy?” Her answer is, “Say thank you.” While this is very cute, it also raises a question posed by the blogger- how do we teach our children who is safe and who is not?
Most of us grew up hearing about stranger danger and about never talking to strangers, etc. but I think it is time for a new conversation about this topic that first acknowledges that this is a much more complex issue than we give it credit for. We know that it is important in our lives to talk to strangers for many things. After all, on the first day of school, your child’s new teacher is often a stranger to them but of course you want them to talk to the teacher. At the same time, we want them to be able to identify and get away from anyone who has an intent to harm them. So, how does one teach a young child who is and is not safe? Here are a few tips.
1. “Stranger Danger lessons” grow and change over a lifetime and are not a one time event. Start this conversation with your young child by asking them if they know what strangers are, followed up by a question about what strangers look like. You might be surprised by the response you get. Many children know that strangers are people you do not know, but then if you ask what they look like, children sometimes feel they can give a pretty good description. This is your opportunity to begin teaching your child about strangers and how to tell if someone is a “safe” stranger or not. Every child will stay away from a scary guy in a dark cape hanging out in an alley- we know that, it’s the person who would try to lure your child away with kindness that we worry about. And, of course, there is a healthy balance to be made here because we do not want children to be frightened. I coach my own children to speak to strangers that are “helping strangers” like someone who works at the store, a police officer or firefighter. I also tell them if they are ever lost or need help to look for a parent who has children with them that are the same age as my child. After all, a parent with same age children is most likely to empathize with the needs of my child and to help them to get the help they need.
2. Come up with some rules for your child about who is and is not a stranger. When does someone become an acquaintance and does that mean you can go into their home or with them in a car? In one of your ongoing conversations with your child, fit this in. What do you need to know about a person for them not to be a stranger anymore? I often would say you need to know their first and last names, where they live or work, and your mom or dad has to say they are no longer a stranger. Even if someone is not a stranger, you can talk about whether they are okay to go with and make sure your child always knows to tell you before they go with someone. Many families also have a code word that they use with kids so that if something ever happened where, say, the normal person was not there to get them off the bus after school, the parent would send someone to pick the child up and that person would share the code word so the child knows they are safe.
3. Make a playful guessing game with your child when you go to the park and ask them who is a “safe” stranger and who is an “unsafe” stranger. This will give you an opportunity to teach your child to listen to their own instincts about who is safe to talk to and what it is okay to talk to them about, and to teach them that people who look good, are not always what they appear to be. Any stranger that tries to give a child something or tries to have a child go with them without checking with their parents or having the kids check with their parents is not okay. You can also talk with kids about listening to the “uh oh” feeling we get around people sometimes in their tummy, heart or throat. Tell them to check with you first before talking to a stranger (you can come up with a signal like a head nod to say it is okay also). After a child talks to the stranger, ask them how it felt. You can ask them if that person would have been okay to go with to check on their lost puppy (hint- the answer is always “no,” or, “only if I check with you (the parent) first.” If kids get an “uh oh” feeling about a stranger, talk about why they think that is- was the person not listening about your child’s personal space body language (were they in your space bubble?). Was the person asking intrusive, personal questions? Acknowledge how these things can be disturbing and help kids figure out how to address them with adults in a respectful way.
When talking to your young child about strangers, I would be sure to try to keep the conversation on the lighter, playful side since we do not want to scare them, but to also playfully fit in little tests of their knowledge. Children love it when they know the answers to questions. Remember too, that children love it when they know the rules about things, and, even more, they love rituals. Create a ritual where each time you go to the park, you remind them of the rules on the way, stay on the mulched area, ask me before you run to the bathroom by yourself, ask the owner before you pet their dog, and never go anywhere with anyone or accept anything from anyone without asking first. When they are tired of you saying the rules every time, you can make it a guessing game and they can tell you the rules. When they consistently tell you the rules every time, they have got it and you have done the best you can do on this one.
What’s funny is that I don’t think that original video that prompted this post is a “fail” at all. My guess, by looking at the body language of the child is that what actually happened is mom and dad thought they were asking the child about stranger danger but what the child imagined in her safe, secure little world was that a stranger presented her with candy with mom or dad watching and giving a nod, then she takes it. So, what do you do then? Say thank you, of course!
The real problem is that the people who most often harm children are not strangers. Look for future posts about how to help children feel confident enough to protect themselves if someone they know ever tries to cross a boundary.
Related articles
- Beyond “Stranger Danger” (mommeetsblog.wordpress.com)
- How To Answer Tough Questions From Your Kids (help4yourfamily.com)
Is Chimpanzee good for your child to see if they are adopted or have lost a parent?
See description on File:Chimpanzee mom and baby.jpg. I cropped it slightly to remove the original black frame. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Written by Kate Oliver, LCSW-C
Just from watching the commercials, we can easily see that the new Disney movie, Chimpanzee, is going to be all about adoption. While it is predictable that the movie will have warm fuzzy messages about adoption overall, if you have an adopted child, or any child who has lost a parent through divorce, abandonment, death, etc. it is a good idea to take a moment to consider whether this is a good movie for your child. Of course we know all children are different and only you can decide what is right for your child so please do not use my post as a replacement for your own judgment since obviously you know your child way better than I do. Also, spoiler alert, you will know all about the movie by the time I’m done with the post. My hope is to attempt to address the adoption related issues in the movie so you can make the best decision for you and your family and to be ready for any conversations or feelings it might bring up for your child (and you).
First, let me say, the movie was pretty entertaining for the children seven and up in our group, the youngest (5) got bored half way through and I saw several younger children leave during the movie. The parents were thoroughly entertained and there were quite a few “aww’s” and chuckles throughout.
The movie starts in an idealic world where little monkeys are taken care of by mommies (no mention of daddies). Little Oscar and his mom, Esha, are the focus. Children who were not taken care of by their first mommies or whose first mommies have left them in some way may have some feelings about the portrayal of moms in this part as the idea of mommies taking care of babies is presented as the only way things can go. I can see how a child who feels bad about having a mommy who did not take care of them might be triggered if they carry residual feelings of guilt or believe it was their fault their birth mother did not take care of them. Additionally, the mention of dads is not just downplayed, it is completely non-existant in this part of the movie.
Soon, the idealic world of the chimps is threatened by another group of chimpanzees who want to take over their territory. Esha keeps Oscar safe during a particularly scary time when this group attacks and the movie continues to highlight Oscar’s reliance on his mother and her role in keeping him safe, fed and protected. Sadly, the other group of monkeys attacks a second time and it is during this attack that Esha and Oscar are separated and Esha disappears forever with the assumption being that only death could keep her away. It continues to be quite heartbreaking as we see Oscar get harshly rejected by several other female chimpanzees who already have children (triggering for children who have been in multiple foster care placements). During this time, Oscar tries, and fails, to find his mother. Obviously, no one is able to explain to him where she is and he is left to fend for himself. Oscar is sad and lonely and experiences difficulty finding food and caretaking. Do I need to point out the many opportunities for adopted children and/or children who have a parent that is not in their lives will have to identify strongly with this section of the movie?
After suffering for an intense ten minutes or more during the movie, Oscar begins to follow the alpha male, Freddy. He begins gently befriending Freddy (there is a good conversation to be had about shadowing adults and learning from thier modeling behaviors here). Freddy, who it was earlier emphasized in the movie, had no interest in the younger chimps, slowly also begins turning toward Oscar and teaching him to get food. Over time, their friendship grows and, in a particularly heartwarming scene, Freddy grooms Oscar and lets him ride on his back.
During this portion of the movie, there is no mention of moms and, knowing that I see children with attachment disorder in my practice who work pretty hard to come between their parents and who often punish the mom and complian to the dad (because moms are scary for them since they represent the original abandoning mom), I can see this particular part of the movie reinforcing that behavior a bit. Additonally, I can see how children who have struggled to bond with an adoptive parent would be triggered to wonder what it is about them that caused them to be first rejected or abandoned by other parents if that is their emotional experience. Those children who struggled to bond with an adoptive parent may also wonder why it is so easy for Oscar (no internal loyalty struggle here, also no negative behaviors from Oscar) to bond with Freddy and just what must be wrong with them that they have difficulty bonding.
While Freddy and Oscar are bonding, however, trouble lurks nearby, the narrator, Tim Allen, says that while Freddy and Oscar have been building their relationship, Freddy has neglected to protect his area and the other chimpazee group is closing in for another attack. Freddy senses this and begins to do some team building again. Oscar feels ignored by his new dad and we see him again feeling lonely because he does not understand why Freddy is turning away from him to take care of other chimps. This made me think about moms or dads taking care of new babies or other siblings and the triggers that has for many of my adopted children, not to mention kids in step-parent families.
I can see this movie being especially nice for single and/or adoptive dads as it reinforces that dads always protect their children even if they didn’t always know how to parent at first. I can also see it being an issue for moms and other primary, nurturing caregivers (including dads) who, like I said before, have a child that uses them as a representation of all abandoning people in their lives, and for children who did not have a mother that took good enough care of them before entering an adoptive family. I would also recommend it for children who are able to articulate their feelings about adoption, parental loss, etc. over children who are still unable, or unwilling to discuss those issues. Ultimately, it is up to parents to decide what is right for their children. Either way, in the end, the movie has a happy ending where Freddy and Oscar get to be together and Freddy focuses on Oscar again.
I see multiple opportunities for parents to bring up good conversations for kids about: whether Esha’s disapperance was Oscar’s fault; how Oscar must have felt when the other mom’s rejected him; how Oscar befriended Freddy and whether they loved each other right away; how dads and other parents protect children even though sometimes it is hard to see how (like when they go to work or pay attention to other kids); and why Oscar had an easier time of bonding with Freddy (because his first mom was good at teaching him how to love other chimps).
Have you taken your child to see this movie? What did you think? Did I miss anything? I would love to hear how the experience was for your child.
Qualities of good programs to prevent child abuse
PEARL HARBOR (April 23, 2010) Mara MacDonald, from the Navy New Parent Support Home Visitation Program, leads a group of new mothers and their babies in an infant massage class. The program is administered by the Navy Region Hawaii Fleet & Family Support Center and assists new parents and expecting parents with home visits, information on parenting, referrals, support groups and nurturing skills. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Jason Swink/Released) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
In my final post (for now) about programs to prevent child abuse, I thought I would highlight some qualities of programs I have seen that effectively work to prevent child abuse. As a reminder, my original start to this series of posts was a question posed on another blog about how we can prevent child abuse and child deaths.
1. The first quality any program providing aid to people who could use parenting help is compassion/ empathy. I know this may seem like a no-brainer, but some programs I have seen seem to leave this element out. No one wants to go to a program to hear how awful they are, thus confirming their internal fear that they are, in fact, awful. A compassionate program understands that all parents experience fear, that we are all doing the best we can, and that none of us have children thinking we are looking forward to messing them up as much as possible. Acknowledging this over and over is an important part of any program seeking to help parents.
2. Normalizing getting help is an incredibly important part of any program seeing to end child abuse. Highlighting the diversity of parents, race, class, and gender, who seek help is also incredibly helpful. This is, in my opinion, best achieved by having mentors that have completed the same or a similar program and are a representation of the general client population of the program. For example, if this is a program aimed toward parents experiencing postpartum depression, you would want a parent mentor or group leader who has experienced this and is regularly available to participants.
3. Good programs focus on the importance of parents in a child’s life. For regular followers of my posts, you know I had to mention attachment :). But seriously, the cornerstone of a good program that prevents child abuse absolutely needs to highlight the impact parents have on their children. I think people sometimes think it is a given that parents know how important they are to their children, but for people struggling with parenting- perhaps people whose parents were not ideal either- I find that many of these parents feel disempowered to make change in their child’s life. A good program reminds a parent of just how important they are.
4. The final quality I would like to highlight is that a good program helps people to build a supportive community. Good programs build communities so that if the program is ever unavailable, the learning and growing continues among the members of the community.
Some good programs I know of in my area are:
The Healthy Families program where parents are met in the hospital by someone from the program and are given support if they request it. Support can include getting help with access to services or forming a group of other new parents in the community. While there are healthy families programs all over the country, you can find the one near me here: http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/howard_county_general_hospital/services/mothers_and_babies/healthy_families/index.html
The National Family Resiliency Center (NFRC) is a center for families experiencing a family transition and for parents where there is any need for co-parenting agreements. NFRC has been a national leader in helping court systems to recognize that when parents separate it is important to keep in mind the best interests of the child. They provide individual, couples, group counseling for parents and children, reunification and collaborative divorce services as well as very good classes for parents and children who are experiencing the transition process. Additionally, NFRC helps parents who would like to have co-parent agreements and low-conflict divorce. One way they do this is with an on-line program, www.familyconnex.org to help parents make decisions that are in the best interests of the children. Here is the link to NFRC’s website: www.nfrchelp.org
The Infants and Toddlers program, which is part of the educational system but may go by different names in other states, identifies infants who may have developmental delays and helps parents by offering resources for children birth-5 years with the combination of services they might need to get them school ready. You can find them here: http://marylandpublicschools.org/MSDE/divisions/earlyinterv/infant_toddlers/about/message.htm
There are many more, but these programs I mentioned in particular, although they target different populations, offer the combination of qualities important for a program aiming to prevent child abuse. While they might not even directly target child abuse, they are organizations that can recognize and report possible abuse, and that may help to prevent it in the first place though education and service.
What do you think? Do you know of any good programs that have been effective in your area in preventing abuse? I would love to hear about them. Also, did I miss any qualities of effective programs to help parents?
Finding a therapist for a traumatized and/or attachment disordered child
Some elementary school counselors use books and other media to help their counseling (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
As therapist who specializes in both trauma and attachment disorders, I can tell you it is important if you are searching for a therapist for one or both of these issues, that you find the right therapist for your child. Doing so will save you a lot of money and aggravation and is more likely to speed the healing time for your child. To start, look at my post on finding the right therapist for you or your child (you can find the link at the bottom of this post). With these particular children, and probably people with other specialized issues as well, there are further steps you would want to take to ensure that you have the right person. I see the steps for this particular issue as follows:
1. Figure out if your child has “only” trauma, or has trauma with attachment related issues. Here is the distinction, a child with trauma without attachment disturbance usually experienced a one time occurence, or something that happened over a relatively short period of time and was quickly identified. Trauma with attachment related issues is trauma that also impacts a child’s ability to bond with their caregivers in a healthy way, for example abuse or neglect by a primary caregiver or ongoing abuse or neglect that a child did not disclose. If you feel as though your child’s trust in adults to provide care for them has been altered significantly, you will want to see someone with knowledge of attachment related issues. To clarify this distinction, a teenager carrying on a short-term, secret relationship with a much older adult that they thought was younger or who was tricked into a situation where they kept a secret because they were breaking the rules when they were traumatized does not fall into this category of attachment disturbance. It is within reason to anticipate that teenagers will try to stretch or break the rules and it does not signify a break in a child’s core ability to trust that their parents will care for them. A teenager whose step sibling was abusing them for an extended period of time whenever their sibling came to stay at the home does fall under the category of possible attachment disturbance. The difference is the primary caregivers were around at the time of the trauma and did not know to stop it, while in the first example, the teen was doing an activity it would be reasonable to assume is developmentally expected but someone took advantage of them inappropriately. When in doubt, I would see someone who specializes in both trauma and attachment. If you find that there is an attachment related issue for your child’s situation, I would always make sure to take the child to a therapist that understands attachment because in order to work on attachment disorders or disturbance, you must know about trauma since the two go hand in hand.
2. Once you have determined whether you are looking for a therapist with trauma training or whether you need someone with an attachment and trauma focus, follow the steps from my first post on finding a therapist and ask these additional questions.
- What is your training in attachment and trauma?
- What recent trainings have you attended or conducted that relate to attachment and/or trauma?
- How do you conduct your sessions?
The answers to these questions, if you are talking to the correct therapist, should indicate that the person stays actively engaged in seeking training for attachment and trauma related issues. Additionally, an attachment specialist will indicate to you that you will be in the room for most, if not all, of the time that your child is in therapy with them. Attachment oriented therapy is significantly different in that a therapist focuses much more on your relationship with your child rather than their relationship with your child. In traditional therapy including therapy for singular trauma, you would take your child to see the therapist, you might check in with the therapist at the beginning or the end, then your child would see the therapist alone for the majority of the session.
While traditional therapy is effective with many children, for children with attachment disturbance, it can actually damage a child’s relationship with their parent. I have seen this happen, since a child with attachment disturbance has a tendency to reject caregivers, and, while they are alone with a therapist they may talk to their therapist about how terrible and difficult their parents are. The therapist and child will bond over this and the therapist shakes their head in disbelief, meanwhile they may be overlooking a parent who is really trying their hardest to meet the child’s needs while reinforcing for the child that the caregivers in their lives are, in fact, inadequate. Remember, children with attachment disturbance see adults as unsafe on some level and tend to fit them into these categories. A skilled attachment therapist will spot when a child is doing this and help them to retrain their system of trust by teaching them how to find trustworthy adults and by training the adults in their lives to be trustworthy in the way the child needs them to be. To learn more about attachment disturbance you can see my post linked below “What is attachment disorder?”
**A note to providers- I understand that you have seen parents who are, in fact, inadequate. For this post, I am assuming that a parent who cares enough to read this post is adequate because they are involved and caring enough to research this issue.
Stay tuned for my post on getting specialized treatment for your child- the things insurance companies won’t tell you that can help you get your child’s treatment paid for.
Related articles
- What is attachment disorder? (help4yourfamily.com)
- Finding the right counselor/therapist for you and your family (help4yourfamily.com)
- How to know when you or your child need a therapist (help4yourfamily.com)
The Perils of Perfectionism in Parenting
Photo taken by me as an example of a stay at home dad and kids. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
Quite a few recent books have alluded to just how fed up parents are with people expecting them to be the perfect parent. Scary Mommy, by Jill Smokler, was just released this week and details confessions of real parents who feel all the feelings that go along with parenting that we often do not talk about such as, anger, isolation, depression, fear, and embarrassment. In this age where so much of what we do is recorded and we see so many recorded images of parents on reality television, it also seems like everyone is judging everyone else’s performance all the time. When we do this, we can wind up in a seemingly endless cycle of judging others and ourselves constantly without any relief in sight. In fact, there are several studies that have come out in the past few years stating that parents are significantly less happy than non-parents. I believe part of this is our unrealistic, perfectionistic tendencies during which the thought patterns can begin to get quite vicious.
My profession has not been much help in making parents feel much better either, I’m sorry to say. Not only do most of our books focus on what you can do for your children, rather than how to help you feel better so that you can be a better parent, we are constantly telling you how to improve communication with your child, have educationally enriching activities, spend quality time with your children and encouraging you to take constant care of their emotional needs. While all that stuff is nice and worthwhile in many ways, I think too much of it also takes away the important quality of being genuine with our children, you know, like the genuine feelings expressed in the popular picture book for adults “Go the F@$k to Sleep,” by Adam Mansbach. If you don’t know that book, take a moment to look it up on youtube and you can listen to Lawrence Fishburne read it to you- when your kids are not in the room. Really, isn’t that how most of us feel when our children are coming down six and seven times to say goodnight and asking to be tucked in even though we already tucked them in?
Here is what I think many parents are wanting and it is something we hear all the time about everything but being perfect parents… everything in moderation! Yes, even lovey, touchy stuff. It’s actually good for the kids to understand that their parents feel- gasp!- genuine emotions. If you are fakey, fakey all the time and pretend things are nice, they know it’s BS anyway and later they call you on it- I’ve seen it too many times to have any doubt about this. And you know, many times when our kids call us on stuff they are right. Has your child ever said anything to you like my daughter when she said, “Mom, that’s what you say when you’re not really listening?” She was right. I had no idea what she just said. That’s the daughter my husband and I joke that someone must have told her in the end she will get paid per spoken word because she sure does act like it. You bet I zone out the chatter sometimes and maybe even miss important things. As one of my favorite professors in my Master’s program said, one of the great thing about people is that if you miss something important they said the first time around, they are pretty certain to repeat it. I know this is true for my daughter too. Now, don’t get me wrong, remember- everything in moderation, so it is also important to take time to turn on our listening ears for our children every day, but I also want to be realistic that it feels quite impossible to be in the moment and listening to one child while the other is asking you to make them a peanut butter sandwich.
Another reason genuine = good with our children is that they, like us, are humans too! They are often not perfect and they need a good example of how to recover from imperfection. I give my kids lots of opportunities to witness imperfection without even trying that hard. I’m a real natural 🙂 I burn things, forget stuff, and plan poorly sometimes. Most parents do. It’s the ones that admit it and give children an example of how to recover via apology, forgiveness of self and others, humor, etc. that have happy, not entitled (another by-product of over-perfect parenting), healthy children with a good sense of who they are and who their parents are.
Dare to be perfectly imperfect! Your kids will thank you for it.
Related articles
- Parental Reframes When Things Don’t Look So Good (help4yourfamily.com)
- Two things your kids tell their therapists about you (help4yourfamily.com)
Parental Reframes When Things Don’t Look So Good
through the frame (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
written by Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
Alright, so you did something you are not so proud of. Let’s be clear, we’re not talking about major screw ups- like anything that meets criteria for abuse or neglect- we’re talking the overly harsh words or failure to understand the depths of need of our child if they have been trying to tell us about a problem. You know, the things we routinely beat ourselves up for as parents. First of all, I want to say (I may have said this before and I will probably say it again because it is such a wonderful statistic) that being “good enough” to support a securely attached child means we meet their needs a mere 30-40% of the time. This is not meant to give permission not to meet your child’s needs, but serves more to allow us to forgive ourselves when we miss something or respond differently than we would have liked and to see some of the positives in otherwise difficult situations such as divorce, death of a loved one, illness, trouble at school or with friends. Parental reframes work in all kinds of situations.
What do I mean by parental reframe? Well, you know how you can take the same picture and put it in different frames to make it look different? Depending on the frame a picture is in, you may notice more of one thing or another. Life can be the same way. A large part of parenting, as I see it, is to help children (and ourselves) find the most appropriate, helpful frame to put our issues in. Notice, I did not say it was to shield children from all difficult situations. First of all, that is impossible and we would only be setting ourselves up for failure. Secondly, you would not want to do that since childhood is precisely the time we need to learn to handle difficulties while we have our parents to protect and guide us. We are there to help children frame the pain they will inevitably have- not to keep them from any pain. So, what is a parental reframe? It is taking a step back to look at the frame we have put around a situation, then asking ourselves if there may be another frame that we might like to use instead. There really are so few absolutes in life and really our reality can be framed in many different ways.
Take a look at the picture below.
Do you see the baby? If you are like me, it will take a minute for you to find it but once you do, you will see the baby was there all along. The toes are in the branches on the right, the head is made where the trees come together on the left. Once you see it, you can’t un-see it, even though it was there all along. That’s how a reframe is. We get stuck on a story: divorce ruins children for example, or maybe even a worry more universal to parents like the feeling that our child never helps around the house. These times are precisely the times when we need a reframe.
How in the world are you supposed to reframe issues, especially beliefs or worries about your child that feel deeply entrenched? Let’s start the easy way first. When you have a few minutes, stop and take a few breaths while you pause to see if you can think about this issue in another way. It can be easier to do this if you ask yourself what your most loving friend might say about this issue to you. Ask yourself if it is possible that there may be alternative possibilities from what you have come up with so far. If you think it would be helpful, take a moment to brainstorm other possibilities for the belief you are clinging to. After all, this is only a belief and there are very few absolute truths out there. Let’s take our example of kids that don’t help around the house. Is it possible they try to help in some ways, just not the ways you wish they would? Is it possible they need more instruction to help? Is it possible you are asking (or demanding) for help in ways that are not effective for your children? Do they have something going on that prevents them from focusing on helping you like their age, ability level, extra-curricular activities, schoolwork, etc?
Next, take a moment to consider what you would like to believe about your child. Create an affirmation about what you would like to believe. My child is helpful around the house in many ways. Think of ways this affirmation is true. Say the affirmation many times over the next few days. Point out when you child does helpful things and begin stating ways they can help you as if you expect them to do those things. Be surprised when they haven’t picked up their items off the dining room table!
Just changing our attitude about a situation can help our children to change theirs. I have seen this work too many times to think otherwise. I have many clients with attachment disorders. Many times when they first come to see me their parents lament about how they are constantly in trouble. Their parents, who usually adopted them at an older age, often adopted them with the desire to show them how wonderful life can be! These parents want their children to have new and exciting life opportunities and they come in so frustrated that their children continue to get into trouble that requires the parents to keep them home more over and over. We reframe the statement of “my child is constantly getting into trouble and can’t ever make good decisions” to “my child gets easily overwhelmed by new experiences and transitions.” When we re-frame the child’s acting out behaviors from “bad” to “overwhelmed” the feeling as a parent changes significantly as well from a hopeless stance, to protective. While the child may still not be allowed out to do much, the intent and feelings behind the parents decisions feel more loving and come across that way to the children.
I know this may all sound a bit Pollyannaish to people. Additionally, I do not want to say that a reframe on cleaning is the same as a reframe on divorce. However, there are helpful aspects to all experiences in life. If the technique of thinking it through is not working for you, please take a moment to read my previous blog “How to know if you or your child need a counselor” (link below). Reframes are a lot of what we therapists help people to do.
Having trouble with a reframe? Let me invite you to post the belief you need reframed, or a belief you have reframed and tell me how it worked. While I can not diagnose or treat via a blog, I would love to have feedback on this topic (or any others).
Related articles
- How to know when you or your child need a therapist (help4yourfamily.com)
- 4 Rules parents can live by (help4yourfamily.com)
- Two things your kids tell their therapists about you (help4yourfamily.com)
About me
Kate Oliver, LCSW-C (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) has been a clinician working with traumatized and attachment-disturbed children for almost two decades. She is co-owner of A Healing Place, a private practice in Columbia, Maryland, since 2007.
At the beginning of her career, Kate found that while some children responded to traditional child therapy practices, there were a significant number of children who showed little or no improvement in their overall emotional well-being. This led her to seek out specialized training to learn more about attachment, the bond between parents and children, and found that by using attachment-based strategies in addition to treating trauma, even the most challenging children and their parents, saw major, life-changing shifts, not only for the children she was working with, but the parents as well.
Early in her career, Kate was privileged to work as the clinical director for Tamar’s Children, a program that took pregnant, incarcerated women from prison to a treatment facility that worked on teaching the women to bond with and attach to their babies, while also helping the women to heal their own broken attachments, and history of trauma and addiction. This program was internationally recognized for having a successful, evidence-based practice using an attachment-based model. From working with some of the most severely disenfranchised parents, Kate received important information about how to help all parents maintain a happy, healthy relationship with their children.
In 2007, Kate co-founded A Healing Place, a mental health private group practice in Columbia, Maryland, where she focuses on working with families with children who have a history of trauma and/or attachment disturbances. A board certified supervisor, Kate has been an invited presenter to teach continuing education courses for other social workers and psychologists. In her courses, Kate teaches attachment-building techniques and presents about her sub-specialty, working with families headed by gay and lesbian parents. Kate has also worked as a trainer for Building Families for Children, a therapeutic foster care agency.
Kate is a former board member for the organization COLAGE, a non-profit group that works toward community building for people with gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender parents. She is currently a member of Attachment Disorders Maryland, a group that works to educate parents and professionals about working with children with attachment related issues. She is a Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Practitioner and Educator.
Kate lives in Columbia, Maryland is the mother of two amazing daughters, the partner to a fantastic husband, and the daughter of one mother and two gay dads. She loves to read any book that crosses her path, write (of course), and she recently started dancing again, a passion she has had since her youth.
Kate can be reached by email: helpforyourfamily@gmail.com for questions or you can find her on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/Help4yourfamily.
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