Getting what they deserve
My first testimonial 🙂
An Attachment Therapist on Attachment Parenting
At the Baby Loves Disco party Sunday afternoon. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Maybe it’s just because I’ve been a bit more attuned to the media’s interpretation of parents recently but I’ve noticed that there seem to be a lot of people talking about attachment parenting being the newest thing. I’ve known about attachment parenting for years now. Just like with any other parenting style, the media reports tend to focus on extremes where in order to say you are an attachment parent you must rigidly follow the tenants of wearing your baby everywhere, co-sleeping, and breast-feeding past the societal norms for the United States. Attachment parenting becomes just like “tiger moms,” “helicopter parents,” and “back-stage parents,” so that you either you are or you are or are not with no in-between.
I would like to suggest that we all take a breath for a moment. Put your hand on your heart. While you are at it, breathe a few times slowly, in and out. Ask yourself this question. “Is this true?” Is it true that so many people subscribe to rigid parenting styles? Or are we all just trying to get along the best way we know how with the information we have?
I would like us all to dial it down a notch. Here are the things I care about as an attachment therapist– meaning that I am a therapist that looks at the attachment styles between parents and children and helps to guide children with insecure attachment styles toward a more secure attachment:
Do you have a genuine, loving relationship with your child?
If not, are you working to make your relationship genuine and loving?
Do you care more about your relationship with your child than you care about being right or dominating your child?
Are you playful and loving with your child when you can be?
Do you set appropriate limits?
Does your child look to you for comfort and protection and do they have faith that you will care for them?
Are you empathic toward and accepting of your child’s feelings, even if they are different from yours?
Do you have insight into the parts of parenting that are hard for you and do you work to change the parenting moments or actions you are not proud of?
These are the foundations of parents that form secure attachments with their children. Dan Hughes, author of several books, including one of my favorites, “Building the Bonds of Attachment,” (you can purchase this book by following the link “Amazon widgets” at the top right of this page*)calls this way of parenting PLACE parenting. PLACE stands for Playful, Loving, Accepting, Curious, Empathic. I find using this way of parenting builds a strong bond between parent and child and is especially useful for the children I see with attachment disturbance.
I do my best to use it with my children as well, but, guess what? I’m human. Sometimes, like when I take my oldest clothes shopping and she refuses to try on a single item of clothing even though she complains several times a week that she has nothing to wear, I lose it. If you were in Target with us last Tuesday, I apologize. Seriously. But, just like when our children make mistakes, so do we need to gather ourselves together and learn from those things we do that we wish we could take back and move on. It is my strong belief that the best parenting style for any parent is the one that works best for them! The style that most truly matches your internal desire and ability to parent, and which models a life you would like your child most to emulate. I imagine that would be a life in which: they are free to love themselves without being narcissistic, they care for others so that they might experience loving relationships, and they explore their own interests and build on their own talents and abilities, among other things.
What do you think creates a strong foundation in a parent/child relationship?
*see disclaimer page
It’s Not Just Strangers- spotting potential abusers: Part II
Join the movement to end child abuse: http://www.1stand.org (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
While 96% of all abusers are men,* and men tend to be the focus of this article, it is important that we refrain from trivializing the role of women as abusers as well. In this article, I speak mostly about men, but the same holds true for women. Here are some tips to spot potential perpetrators or unsafe situations:
1. Look for people who are more interested in your children than their own children. For example, if you go to a birthday party and see the father of the birthday kid paying more attention to your child than their child, take a moment to listen to the words they are saying to your child. Are they trying to draw your child away from the crowd? Are they excessively flattering? Are they trying to get your child to come for a playdate even when your child seems reluctant?
2. Pay attention to any men who are overly willing to be available to babysit, especially if they are willing to put off other, adult activities to be more available to your child for one on one time. This is true for teenage boys and boys or girls that you know have issues but just like to hang around with your children even though your children are significantly younger. Kids who are developmentally younger than their chronological age will still begin sexual development at the same age and if they feel more comfortable with children their own age, they are more likely to try out sexual behavior on younger children who will let them get away with it.
3. “Grabbers” are perpetrators that take the opportunity when it presents itself. These are, for example, the in-home, daycare provider’s brother who came to visit for a week and was in the home when you dropped your child off. You can protect your children from those by asking any adult who is in charge of your child to tell you if there will be any other adults around your child. If you notice a new face when you take your child to school or child care, don’t be afraid to ask. Just do what I do and say you are an over protective parent. Own it 🙂
4. “Groomers” are people who take time to get a child (and parent) comfortable with them. They may take a long time to even begin doing anything to the child. In the meantime, they begin to seamlessly insert themselves into the family and over time, develop a relationship with the children. Listen to your gut if you get a feeling about someone, take a minute to ask your child and get curious about how they feel when that person is around.
5. Be visible. Parents who are a known presence at school and day-care are less likely to have children who are victims. Show up unannounced at child care and for school lunches if your child’s school allows it. Volunteer a few times a year so you get to know teachers and other school personnel and they get to know you. Know your childcare provider and, if you do not trust his or her decision-making, get a new one.
6. Be aware of people in your own family who you know are perpetrators. This may sound obvious, however, I have met enough people by now who allowed their child to be around the grandparent who abused the parent, yet the parent felt if they were watchful enough, their child would not get hurt, or hoped that the perpetrator had changed enough that they would not do that to their grandchild. Similarly, if you are a divorced parent and abuse was an issue during your marriage, or you knew that your child’s other parent was harming or neglecting the children, if possible, protect your child from being alone with that parent. Wikipedia reports that, “the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reports that for each year between 2000 and 2005, “female parents acting alone” were most likely to be perpetrators of child abuse.” ** If someone is a known perpetrator to you, do not allow your child to be alone with them. Stepfathers and fathers respectively are the most likely to be reported as perpetrators of sexual abuse for girls 10 and older according to childabuse.org.
7. Listen to your child. Children, especially young children, often disclose information that we do not catch if we are not listening. If a child says something that causes you concern, be curious and ask them about it to clarify what they are talking about. Sometimes because our young children are so sexually innocent, they don’t even know that there was anything out-of-order with what happened and they just tell you about it.
I want to conclude by being perfectly clear, that there is no guarantee that our children will never deal with an abusive caretaker. However, the likelihood that a child will identify a problem to you sooner, so that you may take action immediately will be increased by talking to your child and being aware of the tricks of abusers.
Related Articles:
- It’s Not Just Strangers- Part I (help4yourfamily.com)
- Chronological Age vs. Developmental Age (help4yourfamily.com)
- Teaching Young Children About “Stranger Danger” (help4yourfamily.com)
- When Your Inner Critic Hurts Your Relationship With Your Children (help4yourfamily.com)
It’s Not Just Strangers: Protecting Young Children from Abuse- Part I
child abuse (Photo credit: Southworth Sailor)
I hate to break this to you in case you didn’t already know it but strangers are not the main cause of harm to children. While we talk to children about “stranger danger,” as parents, we sometimes fail to talk to them about ways to protect themselves from people they come across in their daily lives who may be harmful to them. Statistically, children are much more likely to be harmed by someone they know. In cases of sexual abuse, for example, 90% of child victims know the perpetrator in some way^. In 1994, Dr. Gene Abel, conducted a study of 453 pedophiles. In total, those pedophiles admitted to over 67,000 victims, averaging out to 148 victims per perpetrator^^. In my own experience, I have seen that most perpetrators have multiple victims and that sexual abuse is much less likely to be reported and prosecuted in the United States. In this post, I am focusing on sexual abuse since that is the most under-reported of the abuses, however, you can use many of the same rules for neglect and physical abuse. Rather than encouraging fear, I would like to tell you some ways you can prepare your children in case anyone ever does try to inappropriately touch or discipline them. In my next post, I will tell you about signs you can look for to prevent abuse before it occurs.
Tips for teaching your young children about abuse prevention:
1. Talk with your young child about the rules about private parts, namely that: private parts are the parts covered by your bathing suit; the only people who can touch private parts are parents when you are taking a bath or helping to change a diaper or going potty, and doctors during an exam.
2. Define other types of abuse as well: if someone hits you and leaves a mark, or does not take care of you when they are supposed to- like a babysitter who would leave a child home alone, then come back before the parents get home. Tell your child that no one has permission to hit them even if they say they do, and that no one is supposed to leave them home alone.
3. Teach children that if anyone tries to do anything you have just taught them is abusive they should: 1. say no, 2. get away, 3. tell someone (list a few people it is okay to tell).
4. Teach kids that people who would try to touch private parts, or hit, or neglect kids can be tricky. If someone says they are going to hurt someone else if you tell something, don’t be tricked! Tell!
5. Teach children to listen to the “uh oh” feeling. If anyone they know gives them an “uh oh” feeling (usually you feel it in your tummy, throat or head) then instruct your child to tell you as soon as possible.
6. If you see your child acting strange around another adults and it makes you uncomfortable, when they are away from that person, gently bring up that you noticed they seemed different and get curious about why that might be.
7. Encourage your child to build a vocabulary for feelings and talk about feelings in your family. If you have difficulty with this, remember our affirmation for last week was: My children give me constant opportunities to learn and grow. See, you have a learning, growing opportunity right here.
8. Keep an open dialogue with children about okay and not okay touches. Allow your child to speak up if they do not want to hug or kiss someone and back them up if they say or use body language to show that they do not want someone touching them. Give them alternatives to help them problem solve like a fist bump, a high-five, or a hand shake, or if you find yourself witnessing your child being uncomfortable with a person trying to touch them, you can say something like, “Jake’s not quite ready for a hug, how about a high-five?”
Watch the language and tone that you use during your conversations with kids about this topic. Children can misinterpret a very serious parent for an angry parent and feel like they are in trouble if you take the conversation too seriously. Keep the conversation light. Remember Mr. Rogers from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood? If you don’t remember him, think of a gentle teacher you have met and emulate them. Just like talking to kids about “stranger danger” this is not a one-time conversation. Check in periodically with kids about what they would do if anyone ever tried to touch them.
Do you have questions about protecting your children from abuse? Please feel free to ask them in the comments section.
Related articles
- Beyond “Stranger Danger” (mommeetsblog.wordpress.com)
- Chronological Age vs. Developmental Age (help4yourfamily.com)
- Teaching Young Children About “Stranger Danger” (help4yourfamily.com)
^http://www.childhelp.org/pages/statistics
^^http://www.cpiu.us/statistics-2/
Monday is Parenting Affirmation Day! 5-14-2012
Mathematics homework (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
It’s Monday, May 14th- Parent Affirmation day at Help 4 Your Family! Today’s affirmation is one I use a lot:
I give my children age appropriate time and space to solve their own problems.
This affirmation is good for many kinds of situations. One is watching our children struggle with something. This affirmation helps us to remember that there are some struggles that are age appropriate and that our children will benefit from resolving on their own because they want to learn it. Rebecca from Mom Meets Blog writes about this in her sweet post about her son that you can read here.
Another situation where this affirmation is helpful is when our children are struggling with something and do not want to learn it- but we know it is age appropriate for them to do so. A child who works really hard to get to you to give him the answers to homework assignments would be an example of a time when you can repeat this affirmation to yourself to remind yourself that you are helping, not hurting, your child by allowing them to experience the struggle.
Also, I use the words “age appropriate” purposely. I find that as parents we sometimes forget that as sophistocated as our children may seem, that there are some expectations that may not be age appropriate- expecting a 10-year-old to clean the kitchen to the same standards as an adult, or telling a child they must work things out with a bully at school who is threatening violence are two examples that come to mind.
Saying this affirmation over and over throughout the day makes it become a part of you and of your regular parenting practice.
When have you had to use an affirmation like this?
Do you have a parenting affirmation you would like to share?
Related articles:
Monday is Parenting Affirmation Day! (help4yourfamily.com)
Parenting With Affirmations (help4yourfamily.com)
Chronological vs. Developmental Age (help4yourfamily.com)
I Was a Cereal Killer (MomMeetsBlog.wordpress.com)
Do you like how you are feeling?
Angry cat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Here is another tip for your parenting tool kit. It consists of asking a simple question to your children…Do you like how you are feeling?
I ask my children this when they are grumbling at me about a perceived injustice or when they are frustrated or angry about something. This may seem counter-intuitive. After all, it is pretty clear how they are feeling, and really, who would chose to feel that way? Also, I believe that many parents have been taught that we are responsible for the feelings of our children. We are responsible to be kind to our children. We are responsible for educating our children. We are responsible for keeping them safe. But to say that we are responsible for their feelings when we are being kind and keeping them safe is to pretend that we have control over something we do not. In the moment that our children get angry over harsh words from a friend, or frustrated over homework, then begin to lash out at us, many parents begin to feel as though it is our job to make it all better for them. We tell them the friend was wrong to say that and go about getting angry at the friend (even if, upon reflection, the friend had a point), or we show them how to do the math problem even though they are too frustrated to learn it. Many times this way of doing things can leave us angry because we have taken on the feelings of our child and they do not even appear to be grateful for our help! How irritating.
I have another idea I would like to suggest. Ask your child, “Do you like how you are feeling?” Often times this gives a child a moment to pause and think. They will, in most cases, pause to take in what you are asking, because this is different from your normal response to their behavior. When they respond that they do not, you can gently suggest that they try to change that. It goes like this:
Child: I hate Math, the stupid teacher gave us work we’ve never done in class! (child continues to grumble).
Parent: Do you like how you are feeling right now?
Child: Huh? (Don’t worry- they are thinking about it)… No!
Parent: Why don’t you change that?
Child: I can’t change it! This stupid teacher gave us the worst homework ever! I hate her!
Parent: Yes, and you are choosing to feel very angry about it. I can see that. Would you like to make a different choice?
This conversation often ends in a child huffing at you and grumbling some more. You really do not need to say anything else, unless your child asks you for suggestions to change their mood (then give them some). Stay curious in your tone, avoid sounding critical. The goal of this conversation is not to end all bad feelings. That is not a realistic dream anyway. Sometimes math is just hard! However, what you do accomplish with this conversation is a lesson about each of us being responsible for our own feelings. I have used this conversation with my own daughters since they were three and it has worked quite well. While they do have some times when they are grouchy, often times, after I ask this question, they end up wandering off to their rooms to reflect for a few minutes and come back to the family with a better attitude. For younger children, you may want to talk them through it a bit, but I would strongly suggest that you wait until they ask you for help instead of jumping in to give it right away since when they come to you with a question, they are much more likely to listen to the answer.
The unintended consequence of this conversation is good as well. Now that I use this intervention consistently as part of my parenting tool kit, I also find myself asking the same question internally when I am in a bad mood. I hear myself grumbling at the children, then I hear my own voice in my head asking if I like how I am feeling right now, then suggesting that I change it. This is why you want to make extra sure that you say these words to your children with as much love as possible, because soon, they will be echoing in your own ears.
Please feel free to share other ways you teach children to be responsible for their own feelings. Have you tried this way? How did it work for you?
Related articles
- Trash Your Behavior Charts! (help4yourfamily.com)
- When Your Inner Critic Hurts Your Relationship With Your Child (help4yourfamily.com)
- Ten Free Ways to Break Free From a Bad Mood (help4yourfamily.com)
When your inner critic hurts your relationship with your children
Written by Kate Oliver, LCSW-C
We all have an inner critic. Some of us have several. You know, that voice in your head that just feels like it is part of you? It’s the one that tells you that you did it wrong again, you are not working hard enough to fix your child’s problem, and reminds you of all the times you tried and failed to get items knocked off your “to do” list. If you are not fully familiar with your inner critic, the next time you are upset about something, take a moment to listen to your thought process. What are the thoughts floating through your head at that moment? Our inner critic can be harsh…and sneaky. We don’t even know it’s there, it feels so much a part of us.
I’ve heard our inner critic (or critics) referred to as “the committee.”
Committee (Photo credit: Editor B)
I love this because it is so true. Think about the act of going to the grocery store and passing through the cookie aisle. The committee gets activated! You hear one part of your committee saying, “Get the cookies you like, you deserve it!” Another part of your committee chimes in, “Yeah, your butt loves those cookies so much it will hold onto them all the way through summer.” Then the internal negotiator pipes up, “Maybe there is a new, healthy cookie out that you could try. Or, if you get the individual packs, you won’t eat the whole thing in two days and you can enjoy your cookies over the next few days, a little at a time.” Of course then the critic chimes in, “Fat chance…get it? Fat chance? Haha.” And so on. Even after making a temporary decision to leave the aisle, or put the cookies into the cart, your mind wanders back as you continue through the store, either feeling like you should take the cookies out of the cart, or wondering if you will pass by other cookies and if you will be able to pass them over too. Is it just me? I don’t think so, maybe for you it’s not cookies, maybe it’s picking the right birthday card for a friend, or what job to take, the email you are sending to a friend, etc.
When the committee gets involved, we can all empathize with the wish someone stated to me once when he said he wanted to put them on a bus and send them away for the weekend. Since that is not possible, what is the alternative? I have one that may surprise you. Think about loving them. That’s right, envelop each part of your committee with love and thank it for working so hard on your behalf. Right now I imagine there are quite a few people reading this who will argue that there is a part of them that is just plain wrong, that it is a part they would like to eliminate completely and that the focus should be on eliminating the “bad” parts. If you are saying that, here is my question to you…how is that working for you? I’m guessing that has not been so successful or you would not still be reading this post. I might suggest that telling them to go away hasn’t been working so well so far.
If you want to try something new, take a moment to reflect on what it is each member of your committee is trying to say to you. Try to listen to one at a time. Are they trying to convey important information about your health, safety, or emotional well-being? Is your committee chiming in about ways to keep yourself or your family safe? Is it reminding you of something you need to know right now? I promise you that even the most seemingly destructive parts of you are trying to help you in some way. When you figure out the message, imagine yourself giving that part of you a hug and thanking it for it’s input, like you would a friend that just told you something that was really hard to say. Make sure it knows you got the message and that you will take it into consideration. Often times these parts of us, our committee, can be like any other team meeting where, if people feel like their important message is not being heard they just repeat it over and over again, saying it louder and louder, until people finally take notice. Your committee may be doing this now.
Remember, listening to your committee does not mean that you will do exactly what they say, but, just like your children, if you take time to really listen to them, and they feel heard, they are more likely to listen when you tell them no, feel good when you agree, and feel less and less like they need to yell to be heard.
If it is confusing when I say to listen to your committee then listen to yourself, since your committee is part of you, that is understandable. What I mean is, your committee members are all aspects of who you are. At your core is you. The you who knows what you really need, the you who is connected to all the love you feel for yourself and others, the you that does not need to judge anyone else, and is the same you that is connected to a higher, spiritual purpose. Some people call it their higher self. We all have this, it is the part that tells us we can do this, forgives us our imperfections, and that finds creative ways to solve any issues. Take a few moments each day to connect with your committee, then to connect with your core, or higher self. If you worry about fitting this into your daily routine, remember, thinking is free and can be done anywhere. Even people with young children can take a few minutes a day to sit when the kids are in bed or are eerily quiet in the next room to check in with their inner dialogue. The process of getting to know yourself and find peace within does not happen in one day, rather, it happens in increments over time. It takes a lifetime, which is okay, because you have that long to do it.
A word of caution, your committee may try to tell you that doing this is too difficult and to stop or you won’t like what happens next! Should you hear that warning from your committee, I would urge you to find a therapist to help you navigate the murky waters of your inner workings. Over time you will find that the process of getting to know yourself can be like finding a long, lost friend that you have been missing desperately for a long time.
Doing this exercise is especially important for parents because, I hate to tell you, our inner dialogue shows to our children whether we like it or not and becomes their inner dialogue. The best thing we can do for them is to clean up our inner space and be infinitely loving to ourselves so that our children may follow our example.
There are guides for this type of work as well. Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 2nd Edition by Jay Earley (Jan 27, 2012) is one such book. It is available on Amazon and if you click on the Amazon widget link at the top right of this screen you can find out more about it. Please read my disclaimer page.
Related articles:
Talking with Robert Holden
Robert Holden Ph.D (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Written by, Kate Oliver, LCSW-C
On Thursday of this week I decided to try calling into one of my favorite radio shows, Robert Holden’s Shift Happens. It comes on at 1pm EST. Every Thursday is the day I stay home from the office and try to get enough done around my house so that my family and I can have a weekend free from running errands and picking up the house. I always listen to Hay House Radio using my phone app as I clean. If you don’t know about Hay House Radio, it is a station dedicated completely to positive radio programming. I love listening to Dr. Holden because he is always gentle and kind to everyone he speaks to and has a wonderful way of helping people to look at things in a different way.
I’ve had an unusual amount of anxiety lately, really since I started this blog. While I have taught other mental health professionals and parents in educational seminars, I’ve never publicly shared my writing until now and I have been feeling, well…vulnerable. So, I called into the show, anticipating a busy signal. How surprised was I when the phone rang and someone asked me what my reason was for calling before putting me back on hold? Umm, pretty surprised. I am so grateful for the time I had on hold so that I could gather my thoughts. Then, just after the commercial break, I heard Dr. Holden announcing…me! What a wonderful, effortless surprise :).
I know most people hate public speaking. I actually love it. I know I have good, worthwhile information to share and I love being with people as we all gain knowledge together. When I am in front of an audience, I can see people responding and adjust accordingly. But with this blogging thing, it’s like I’m putting my baby out into the world and it’s difficult for me to see how people are responding. When speaking in front of an in-person audience, I also know who is there (no one I know personally) and it is easy for me, in a professional setting, to shrug off criticism. I know what I am saying some people will respond to and some will not. Remember, I work with children with difficulties with attachment. I probably hear a few times a week that I am wearing the wrong clothes, have a weird look on my face, don’t have the right games in my office, and that I am just plain wrong. I usually find it pretty amusing since I know that criticism is more reflective of where my client is and if we stick with it, we will get to the other side to figure out where the defensiveness is coming from.
While speaking to Dr. Holden, I realized it was not so much the people I don’t know reading my blog, but more the people I do know. It’s funny the things we worry about. Mostly I was worried about people I know personally changing their opinions of me, or my blog causing conflict with people I love. Everyone else, if you like it, wonderful! If you don’t, I sincerely wish you luck in finding a site that better suits your needs.
The most surprising part of the call for me was toward the end when Dr. Holden suggested that if I am worried about critique from people I know and am most connected to, the concern I focused on in my call (no perfectionist tendencies here), that I must begin to be the most loving, least critical person I can be. I had a little inner battle about that one. “No, wait!” my insides wanted to cry, “I’m not critical of others! In fact, I am one of the least critical people I know! I pride myself on being non-judgemental!” But then, after the call it clicked. I am loving and non-judgemental to many, many people with one major exception. You know the exception, right? Yup, it’s me. I have a tendency to save my major criticisms for me. Don’t we all? I mean, when we are yelling at our children, isn’t part of it that we are berating ourselves for our perceived lack? Our inability to get them to eat what we want them to eat, the anger over the clutter or mess in our homes taking over that we can’t seem to keep under control, or feeling like we do not know how to address an undesireable behavior? It is on the days when we are harshest to ourselves that we are the most harsh with our children. I realized from that call, (thank you Dr. Holden) that I need to be less critical to everyone.
Let this be a reminder to us that we all, even the experts, need reminders to be gentle, kind and loving to ourselves. Thank you to all of the people who have contacted me since hearing me on the call. It has warmed my heart and I welcome building continuing relationships with you. I hope that I can also take part in helping to you be kinder and gentler to yourselves as you continue your own journey as parents, no matter the age of your children.
You can listen to the show here: http://www.hayhouseradio.com/listenagain.php?latest=true&archive_link_type=link_mp3&archive_id=9401&show_id=180&episode_id=8697
This archive is available for only the next few days for free then it will go into the permanent archives and will cost money.
If I remember correctly, my call was the second after the break at the half way mark. You can buy Dr. Holden’s book Shift Happens, on Amazon by clicking on the Amazon widget on the top right of this page. I do not receive any financial compensation for this post or for any referrals to Hay House, or Dr. Holden however I do receive a nominal fee for purchases from Amazon if you click on the link on this page. I only recommend products I believe in strongly.
Ten Free Ways for Parents to Break Free of a Bad Mood (I’ll bet there are a few you’ve never thought of)
How do they get any work done? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Picture yourself, it’s Sunday around 3:00 pm. You have already watched the children slowly dismantle any progress you made in getting the house into order over the week while they were in school. They have gone through the playdates, video games, television and 1/2 the board games- as evidenced by the living room floor. As you think about whether you are up for making dinner and wondering if you even have anything to make, you start to get grumpy. Okay, you were already grumpy. Maybe you have already yelled at them a few times and now, in addition to feeling overwhelmed about the mess in your home, you are also feeling bad about the words you have said- not that you are going to stop saying them mind you, because you are stuck in a loop of grumpy, nasty behavior…the same kind you get angry with your kids for having. Below are a few techniques to help break free from the grumpy nasties and I’m quite sure there are a few you have not tried yet. Why not print out the full list at the bottom of the post and stick it on your fridge to try out when the grumpies strike again?
1. Put the kids in the tub or shower or take a bath or shower yourself. Something about being in the water helps to set the reset button for kids and sometimes adults. If you are taking a bath or shower, visualize all the angry, grumpy feelings getting washed off of you and watch them go down the drain.
2. Set up a behavioral chart for yourself (if you get through something without yelling, you get a point and x number of points gets you something like a night out, a new cd you’ve had your eye on, etc. I cover this one in my post “Ditch Your Behavior Charts!”).
3. Tap on the inside of your pinky finger and say three times “I forgive myself, I did the best I could do.” Then, continue tapping and repeat three times “I forgive myself, I’m doing the best I can.” Don’t ask how it works, it’s an accupressure technique, just try it! You know a big part of what you are doing has to do with the way you are talking to yourself about what is happening right now. Think about ways you can forgive yourself- this is one of them.
4. Imagine you are speaking to someone who loves you, your best friend who always knows what to say, your grandmother, whoever, and pretend they are with you right now guiding you.
5. Learn EFT. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is a quick, easy tapping technique that can help in all kinds of different areas of your life. It addresses anxiety, depression, traumatic memories and much more. Here is a link to someone teaching EFT. I would recommend just doing the shortcut he teaches in the first 6 minutes. It’s all I ever really teach and it seems to be enough. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPZ-xmj6KTI&feature=related. If you really want to learn more, check out this site: http://eftuniverse.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=18&Itemid=21
6. Do a quick 5 minute spurt of exercise even though it is the last thing you feel like doing right now. Partly this is just going to break the pattern by doing something different from what you were originally going to do next. Add to that a quick, natural endorphin rush, and a feeling like you just took care of your body for a moment and it can really do the trick. A great exercise that we do sometimes in our home that really gets us moving and laughing is playing “Just Dance” on the Wii. We crack up as we watch each other try to get the moves right. Just make sure no one gets hit with the remote. Remind yourself that you don’t have to be at the gym and doing a full workout to get a little benefit from exercise. See how long it takes you to go up and down the stairs of your home or apartment building 10 times, jog in place, race the kids a few times in the yard.
7. Cry. You read that right. Think of the energy we spend holding back tears when really tears can be quite healing and good. Even better than crying is crying in a hot shower. That really gives your body a release. Your tears actually carry stress hormones, that are otherwise trapped in your body, out of your body. So, when I say it’s a release, I mean it, you are letting go of stress hormones when you cry. Also, people worry about crying in front of children. Unless this is a recurring issue- in which case I think you need to read my post on finding a therapist, crying in front of your kids a few times a year is okay and actually can teach them about allowing themselves to show feelings and get comfort.
8. Change locations. When the kids were little I called them, “I need a witness days.” I didn’t need a witness for them. I needed a witness for me. I needed to go out of the house so that I would be more mindful of how I was acting with my children. Also, just getting out and going to the park gets you away from some of the compounding factors that may be contributing to your mood.
9. Accept help. Remember how you did something wonderful for your friend or neighbor and they were so thankful and told you if you ever needed anything to call? Call. Ask for help. Accept imperfect help from your spouse, partner or friend while you go out to take a walk or clean up so you can feel sane again. Sure, they may not do things the way you want them to, but are you doing things the way you want to right now? Right. Ask for and accept the help.
10. Picture yourself tomorrow, thinking back on today. What do you want to say you did today when you were feeling this way? Do you want to say, “yesterday I was in a foul mood and I couldn’t pull myself out of it?” or do you want to say, “Yesterday I was in a foul mood, then I remembered this list of things to do to get me out of it. I looked on there and found something and I’m pretty proud of myself because I gathered the children and pulled myself together and we all went for a walk. The rest of the day went pretty good.” Once you have pictured what you want to say. Break it down into three smaller steps, what you need to do to get to feeling that way.
Good luck! Let me know what works for you, or, even better, add to the list…
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End the Hassle! Tell kids what they deserve.
Hey Dad..! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Today’s parenting tip that I have for you is so simple but it could change so many of the more frustrating conversations you have with your children. Are you ready? When your children are hounding you about doing something you don’t think is a good idea, instead of saying no and negotiating back and forth about when they can, how much, why not, etc. try framing the issue in terms of what they deserve. You know how this usually goes. You tell your child they can’t do something or they have to do something and they start to argue and negotiate. Why can’t I? All the other kids do! You’re mean! Until you wonder if it was really important in the first place, or their arguments become so darned sophisticated that they have convinced you to go against your better judgement in regard to their health and safety. Telling your kids what they deserve can end some of that and help you to keep focused on the main goal, the health and safety of your children. It looks like this:
Example 1:
Kid: Mom, the other kids in my class don’t have to sit in a booster car seat any more! (feel free to imagine this as a whine)
Mom: You deserve to be as safe as possible and the booster keeps you safe.
Example 2:
Kid: Why can’t I have another cookie? I only had a few!
Mom: You deserve to be healthy, let’s give your body the food it deserves.
Example 3:
Kid: Hey Dad, can I go to Joe’s party this weekend?
Dad: Will there be adults present?
Kid: But Dad! You don’t trust me?! I never get to do anything!
Dad: You deserve to be safe.
Framing your decisions this way will not save you from eye-rolls, huffing and puffing, or pouting all together. Nothing saves you from those things completely, but it may shorten some of the duration. It also saves some of the mental gymnastics for you. For every arguement they come up with about the same issue, you can stop and ponder for a moment, then repeat how much you feel as though they really deserve to be safe, healthy, free from hurtful relationship or friendships, etc. After all, it is difficult to argue back with someone telling you how important you are over and over. Also, remember that our internal self talk is shaped by the way we were spoken to by our parents. Wouldn’t you prefer that your child’s self talk as they grow be “I deserve to eat healthy foods” over “don’t eat that, it’s bad for you?”
Related articles
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About me
Kate Oliver, LCSW-C (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) has been a clinician working with traumatized and attachment-disturbed children for almost two decades. She is co-owner of A Healing Place, a private practice in Columbia, Maryland, since 2007.
At the beginning of her career, Kate found that while some children responded to traditional child therapy practices, there were a significant number of children who showed little or no improvement in their overall emotional well-being. This led her to seek out specialized training to learn more about attachment, the bond between parents and children, and found that by using attachment-based strategies in addition to treating trauma, even the most challenging children and their parents, saw major, life-changing shifts, not only for the children she was working with, but the parents as well.
Early in her career, Kate was privileged to work as the clinical director for Tamar’s Children, a program that took pregnant, incarcerated women from prison to a treatment facility that worked on teaching the women to bond with and attach to their babies, while also helping the women to heal their own broken attachments, and history of trauma and addiction. This program was internationally recognized for having a successful, evidence-based practice using an attachment-based model. From working with some of the most severely disenfranchised parents, Kate received important information about how to help all parents maintain a happy, healthy relationship with their children.
In 2007, Kate co-founded A Healing Place, a mental health private group practice in Columbia, Maryland, where she focuses on working with families with children who have a history of trauma and/or attachment disturbances. A board certified supervisor, Kate has been an invited presenter to teach continuing education courses for other social workers and psychologists. In her courses, Kate teaches attachment-building techniques and presents about her sub-specialty, working with families headed by gay and lesbian parents. Kate has also worked as a trainer for Building Families for Children, a therapeutic foster care agency.
Kate is a former board member for the organization COLAGE, a non-profit group that works toward community building for people with gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender parents. She is currently a member of Attachment Disorders Maryland, a group that works to educate parents and professionals about working with children with attachment related issues. She is a Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Practitioner and Educator.
Kate lives in Columbia, Maryland is the mother of two amazing daughters, the partner to a fantastic husband, and the daughter of one mother and two gay dads. She loves to read any book that crosses her path, write (of course), and she recently started dancing again, a passion she has had since her youth.
Kate can be reached by email: helpforyourfamily@gmail.com for questions or you can find her on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/Help4yourfamily.
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