help4yourfamily

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Parent Affirmation Monday- Healthy Eating 7/23/2012

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

Fresh vegetables are important components of a...

Fresh vegetables are important components of a healthy diet. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s the middle of the summer.  Schedules are out of whack and ever-changing.  We have vacations and might be spending more meals on the go or out at restaurants.  Summer can be brutal to a healthy diet, especially if we take the old approach of telling ourselves what not to eat, instead of focusing on what to eat.  It might not seem like a big difference, but focusing on what to eat over what not to eat can make a big difference.  Think of it as looking for abundance rather than deprivation.  Which sounds better to you?  Try this affirmation for the week to see about getting your health back on track or keeping it healthy.

I nourish myself by joyfully eating healthy foods and sharing them with my family.

What does this have to do with parenting?  Two major things happen as a result of joyfully eating healthy foods.  The first is, of course, setting a good example for your children.  Then, when you talk to them about the importance of healthy eating, they are more likely to listen.  I have picture up in my office that says:

Children often fail to do as we say but seldom fail to do as we do.

It is so true.  Second, eating healthy foods is an important, and often overlooked part of regulating emotions.  Have you ever noticed that you were in a foul mood because you were hungry or ate junk all day?  Later this week, I will be posting about what to do when your child is acting just plain nasty and take a closer look at some of the ways food can play into foul moods.

One sticking point I know some parents will have with this affirmation is the feeling they have about children who refuse to try healthy food.  I have one of these in my home.  I am not asking you to pretend this is not a struggle.  I am asking you to reframe this issue.  Rather than focusing on what your child is not doing, I would encourage you to model what you are doing, eating healthy, feeling good, looking at healthy foods with excitement and savoring the way they taste.  By doing this, you greatly increase the chances of your child following suit.  If you do not feel excited about the healthy foods you are eating, perhaps you are eating the wrong healthy foods for you.  While I am not a dietician, I do try to be aware to these things and I can tell you a simple rule I have learned: if it has been processed and comes in a package, it is not as healthy as something that was picked and sent right to your grocery store, roadside stand, or, best of all, came from your vegetable garden.  One resource I have come to trust is the website Everyday Health.  If you are looking for more information about making healthy food choices, I would suggest you check them out or go to your family physician for resources or referrals.

What healthy foods do you enjoy with your children?  Please share any ways that you have been creative in finding healthy food choices for you and your family.

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July 23, 2012 Posted by | affirmations | , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

Preparing Children for Major Transitions

Summer Camp 2010

Summer Camp 2010 (Photo credit: Olds College)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

It’s summer.  Anyone with a child in school recently has, or is about to experience a major transition from having the school routine schedule to a summer schedule.  Perhaps your children have camps, vacations, different childcare arrangements, or long stretches of time at home, or, if you are like my family, a combination of all of those depending upon the week.  Even though summer can be a time of excitement and activities that children love, remember, even something exciting can be stressful.  To illustrate this, think about the last time you went on vacation.  Did you experience any stress before you went away?  Did you worry you were going to forget to pack something?  Did you have to work to make sure you stayed in budget or planned accordingly for activities vs. rest?

Even though your child does not necessarily have the same stressors you do, they have others.  Their stressors may include concerns like whether any other kids they meet on the trip or at camp might like them, whether this is going to be a fun place to go or not, whether the rules will be the same or different for them than what they are used to, whether they will have the food they like to eat on the trip, and what to expect next.

The adopted children I see can often have additional concerns such as whether someone from their birth family might spot them (I have heard this even from children adopted at birth), whether people in public will spot their family and ask why they look different or whether their family will be accepted.  They may worry if they are going to see relatives that they feel treat them differently from children born biologically into the family, or that their adoptive family is planning on leaving them in the new location.  Many of the children I see have the additional worry about embarrassing themselves by wetting the bed or their pants during the day if that has been a problem for them.

So, how can we prepare children for all of these transitions?  Here are a few tips to get you started.  The first few are for everyone, then I have a few special tips just for people with children with attachment issues.  Remember, every child is different.  That is why I am giving you several suggestions.  I encourage you to use those that feel right for you and your child.

1.  Prepare your child by telling them in a matter of fact way about what to expect.  For example: “Remember, you are going to camp tomorrow, I don’t know if you will know any of the kids there but I do know Ms. Suzie from last year will be there again.  I’m going to pack you an apple and some cereal in your lunch instead of a peanut butter sandwich because the camp does not allow peanuts in your lunch.”  Or, “We are going to Grandma’s.  Remember, we went there last year and you slept in the same room with your cousin Joey.  Sometimes you got to go to bed later and one night Aunt Cindy is going to watch you while Mom and Dad go out.  If two adults tell you two different things to do, I want you to come ask me if you are confused.  If I’m not there, I will always let you know who is in charge.”  You may need to break this information up into several conversations if you have a child that has difficulty taking in too much information at once.  I also like to ask children what they heard me say so I can hear them say it back and confirm that they heard what I think I said so I know if they got it.

2.  Always let children know who is in charge if you are not with them.  Meet the camp counselor, introduce your child to them and point out that that person is in charge.  “She’s in charge of this camp and I expect you to listen to her.”  Or, “We are going out and you are staying with Nana and Pop, I expect you to listen to both of them.”

A side note about tone here: I am not suggesting any kind of accusatory tone.  I always recommend a matter of fact, friendly tone that takes into account that our children are little humans with feelings.  I could see the above statement being said in an accusatory way and I hope you will refrain from that as much as possible.  If you have a child that has attention or attachment issues making it possible that they were not hearing you, or that they will pretend they did not hear you later, you can have them repeat it back.  Make it a game: You: Who’s in charge?  Child: Ms. Jenny’s in charge.

3.  Talk to your child about any transitions before they happen a few times so you can figure out if your child has questions that are causing anxiety so that you can get answers for them.  It is difficult to predict the ways in which children will formulate stories to fill in the gaps in their understanding.

When I was around 13 and my youngest sister was five, my family moved to a house about five miles away from the home we were living in.  I remember one night at dinner, we were talking about the move and someone asked my sister if she was excited to be moving.  She hesitated and got a little teary, then blurted out, “Yes!  But, I’m going to miss you guys!”  Remember, even if your child has made this transition before, it may only be their second or third time doing it.

A year in the eyes of a child is infinitely longer than a year in the eyes of an adult.  For a 33-year-old, a year is 1/33rd of their lives, for a four-year old, a year is 1/4 of their lives.  That’s a big difference.  A lot happens in the year of a child, and going somewhere, like a camp or vacation, where they have not gone for a year still qualifies as a major transition in their eyes.

4.  While you are making sure that you are talking about the upcoming transition some, I want to caution you to refrain from talking about it too much.

Recently my family and I went for a vacation weekend to a child friendly hotel/amusement park.  While we were there, my husband and I walked through the lobby where there was a show going on.  The show had animatronic characters singing a song.  I can only assume the song was called “There’s Nothing to Be Afraid Of.”  I assume that was the title of the song because the characters sang that line at least twenty times in the short time we were walking through the lobby.  I turned to my husband and remarked that while I was not scared before, I was thinking I might need to be scared now!  After all, why are they so adamant about telling me that there is nothing to be afraid of unless there is, in fact, something that might be kind of scary?

My point is, I have seen many parents who are worried about their child’s response to something new, prepare their child by talking about it endlessly.  A child who might not otherwise have been so worried, can then become fearful and put more energy and focus more anxiety on this thing Mom and Dad seem to be so worried about…it must be big.  Discussions about a transition need not be endless, just check-in, answer questions gently and matter-of-factly, and refrain from shaming or embarrassing children for asking what you think is a silly question.

I have two additional tip for parents with attachment disturbed children:

1.  Attachment disordered children still need safety and predictability, however, be mindful that they can often find ways to mess up vacations for themselves and put extra strain on the family by acting out when they are anxious.  Often a child worries they will mess up a vacation until they torture themselves internally about it so much that they go ahead and get in trouble just to get it over with.  Depending on your child, you may want to keep some things about a vacation private until just before they happen and to keep your plans flexible.  For example, say you have decided to go to a water park for one day during the vacation.  If possible, give yourself a window of days and times to go.  That way if your child is having a rough day you can just go the next day so they do not feel you are taking it away because they ruined things.  Then, on the day you do go, you can tell your child that morning or even on the way there and field questions as they come.  Children with attachment issues can get overly anxious and have temper tantrums as their anxiety builds and giving them a few surprises can actually save them from this anxiety in the long run.  Reserve this for things you are all doing together, do not surprise your child by telling them you are leaving them with someone else, even someone else they like.

2.  Be mindful that as you tell a child your expectations, you are not also handing them “the keys to the kingdom” as one of my colleagues likes to say.  What she means by this is that attachment disordered children are interested in what makes you the most upset so that they may use that against you whenever they are feeling anxious, insecure or fearful.  Be careful that when you are telling them your expectations as detailed in the suggestions mentioned earlier that you are not also highlighting the things that will annoy you the most if they do them.  “We are going to grandma’s and she is making cookies.  You may have two.  I expect you to use your manners.  If there is something you would like to have, please let me know so I can tell you if it is okay,” is very different from, “We are going to Grandma’s house.  No stealing, no lying.”  The first example encourages children to meet expectations, the second informs the children of the ways they can disappoint themselves yet again.

For all children, stating what you do want is always preferable to stating what you don’t want.  If I told you not to look at the title of this post, what is the first thing you think about doing?  Reading the title of course!  However, if I said to you that I hope you keep reading this post to the end, where is your attention?  Children are the same way.  High energy children, and attachment disturbed children are like this more than others and if you say, “Don’t steal,” their little minds say over and over, “Don’t steal.  Don’t steal.  Don’t steal.” until they have thought it so hard they find a chocolate bar in their pocket that they really may not have meant to have there.  If you give a child another thought such as, “Ask me if you want something,” and they say this over and over in their heads, even if it does not always work out, it plants a better seed in a child’s mind.  The more seeds like that you plant, the more likely they are to take root.

What are some transitions your children are going through?  Are there other ways you help your child with major transitions?

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June 21, 2012 Posted by | attachment disorder, child development, help for parents, Parenting | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Delighting in Children Who are Not Used to Delight

Cover of "Feelings"

Cover of Feelings

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

When I speak to parents of children with attachment related issues about trying to delight in their children, I hear a couple of common responses.  The first response is that, to be honest, their children are not all that delightful.  The parents I work with have children that lived their first several months or even years with a marked lack of being delighted in, so, because they do not know any better, they do not desire to be delighted in and, rather than feeling good, being delighted in can actually be scary, or intimidating to the child.

Even if you can find a moment of delight during the day, for parents with children with insecure or disorganized attachments I hear that they, the parent, often experience repercussions, sometimes extreme repercussions, (like the kids I have known who have taken what was otherwise a nice day and ruined it by destroying something their parents loved by, say, urinating on furniture on purpose, or cutting up a cherished item) soon thereafter.  I also have parents tell me that allowing themselves to delight in their child leads to the child becoming more demanding because the child either believes that if they do something to make their parent happy they should get some immediate reward, or the child feels good and falsely believes that the good feeling comes from something outside of them (such as the item they were delighting in or an amusement park ride).  In an attempt to continue the good feeling, the child demands more and more of the parent until the parent is sorry they delighted in the first place since they have such an ungrateful little so and so.  While some of that feeling is normal for any parent, for this post, I am focusing on those parents with a child on the far end of the attachment disordered spectrum.  All children test limits sometimes and may engage in some of these behaviors, but attachment disordered children do this as part of an ongoing pattern of behavior, rather than as a part of the normal limit-testing all children do.

What is a parent to do?  If you have a child that engages in the above mentioned behaviors when you try to delight in them, I have a few reminders to help you stay sane and remain in a place of loving kindness toward your child.

1.  Your child may not know how to share a good feeling.  In other words, due to early neglect and/or trauma, your child may not have developed the understanding of how to share good feelings with others.  They may have what I have heard called “scarcity thinking,” meaning that only one person can feel good at a time and, because they may not also have had a chance to develop empathy, they decide the person feeling good is going to be them.  Because they did not have an early environment of shared good feelings, they just do not know how to, well…share good feelings.  Remember too, that having someone notice them may have had a very different meaning for them and the meaning may not have a positive association for them.

2. Your child may not know how to experience delight.  Remember the neuron transmitters from my previous post?  Your child did not get that so, guess what, you get to teach them!  This would be a good time to review my post about chronological age vs. developmental age.  No matter the chronological age of your child, their developmental age is quite a bit younger.  How do you teach a child delight?  Like this: say something along the lines of (with a tone like Mr. Rogers, remember him?) “Look at us!  We are so happy together!  We are feeling the same feelings at the same time!”  Allow the feelings for a few moments but, as you observe your child beginning to take it over the top, in the same tone, “Sometimes I wish we could feel so happy all the time, but feelings come and go don’t they?  It was so nice to have that good feeling.  It looks like we are going back to the regular feelings now and that’s okay.”  In this way, you are teaching your child about the normal ebb and flow of feelings, and building in normalcy about delight to address the first reminder, that all feelings are around for a little while, then leave, then come back again, and that is part of being human.

3. It takes many, many encounters for a child with attachment issues to actually learn how to genuinely delight.  While a baby is primed for good feelings and eagerly absorbs them, they do that because they are also open and actually vulnerable.  When a baby learns to delight, their vulnerability has paid off.  For your child, the vulnerability did not pay off, so they stopped allowing themselves to feel vulnerable.  Remembering this can help to ease the frustration for a parent that says, “But she’s lived with me longer than she lived with them!  When is she going to learn that we are safe!”  The answer is that she will learn to feel safe if we can capture the moments where she allows herself to be vulnerable, and during that quick window, you prove to be a safe and loving person.  You prove this by maintaining a playful, loving, accepting, curious, empathic (PLACE) attitude as much as possible so that each time that window opens a little you enhance the opportunity for growth and change in your child, so that next time the window opens a bit farther for a bit longer until, eventually, it stays wide open.

4.  Think of the alignment of the planets in our solar system.  If one planet were to be knocked off-balance, the others pull it back into place using their gravitational pull.  Similarly, for your child, when they come to you having become accustomed to being the “problem child” then you treat them as if they are not, they seek familiarity (they realign the planets as they know them) by doing something to make you as angry as they are used to parents being.  We call this seeking homeostasis.  I find one way to help if you have a child who does this is to name what is happening.  In a matter of fact, gentle tone, I would suggest saying something along the lines of, “Having fun can make people uncomfortable or worried sometimes.  I think it makes you feel that way.”  Or, “I am so sad when you are too scared to let yourself be happy without making yourself pay for it later.”

I find we can be most compassionate when we can look to the origin of the issue rather than taking the response of our child personally.

If you have a child with a history of attachment issues, what have your experiences been with delight?

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June 15, 2012 Posted by | attachment, attachment disorder, help for parents, Parenting | , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

English: Couple on the street with child, Cent...

English: Couple on the street with child, Centro Habana, Havana, Cuba. December 2006. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

I’m going to take a little trip away from talking about parent/child relationships to talking about the relationship between the parents.  Just like parenthood, it is impossible for anyone to predict before entering into a relationship just what will happen next.  No matter what the reason you had for building your family by birthing, fostering, or adopting children, it will, without question, change your relationship with your child’s other parent and may, at times, leave you scratching your head about whether to stay or go in this relationship.

I have personally found, and I believe it is also true for my clients, that during each stage of my own children’s development I re-live parts of my own childhood.  It starts in infancy.  It was when my children were infants that I looked at my daughters while rocking them and wondered, “Did my parents look at me this way?  Did they feel this awe?  This fierce protective feeling?  Did they love me this much?”  For me, for those questions, the answer was a yes, I don’t remember myself as an infant, but I know it in my soul.  I have other, unanswered questions about other stages…the vast majority of us do.  Our most intense questions seem to be the ones we have not resolved.  People with a history of trauma tend to ask whether their child feels protected.  We may compare the expectations of our parents for us to our expectations for our own children.  When we pause to think about it, the questions can bubble up seemingly out of nowhere.  All parents- even child therapists- wade through these swampy waters.

I can not think of a situation that raises intense questions more for any parent than when the relationship between parents is going through a major transition.  The start of parenthood is a major transition.  No longer do you have the option of pretending that you are not connected to each other for life.  The time for walking away from each other and having the ability to completely cut ties if things go wrong is past.  Even if someone seems to have walked away, rest assured, they may be gone, but they are not forgotten by anyone, nor have they forgotten.  Similarly, your decision about leaving a relationship also becomes infinitely more complex as you are no longer considering only how this change would impact you but, I assume if you are reading this post, you are also someone who would consider whether that change would impact your children as well.  I wish I had easy answers.  I don’t, but I have, throughout the years, come across some helpful questions and observations that I use when I have a client, or client’s parents trying to work through these issues.  With that in mind, here are a few thoughts to help you in your journey.

1.  This first question, I’m going to paraphrase from memory and it comes from author and coach, Cheryl Richardson (her most recent book is “You Can Create an Exceptional Life*” and her radio show is call “Coach on Call” on Hay House Radio).  It goes something like this: “If you decided to believe that from this moment on that your partner was never going to change a single thing about themselves, would you want to stay with them?”  Let me be more specific: if they never gained or lost a single pound, if they never took you out more, nagged less, spent more or less time with the children, at work or with friends, etc. would you still want to stay with them?  This is important because despite our longing to change people, we really can’t.  There is no magical combination of words that will create change for a person unless they are ready to change.  Take a moment to consider the possibility that your partner will never change, then think about if you still want to stay.

2.  If you decide that you would not want to stay with this person unless they make changes, what is it that you absolutely require from your partner in order to stay?  In other words, what are the nonnegotiables in order for you to want to be in a relationship?  A little warning for this step is that this is a question that tends to bring out our inner critic.  The inner critic tells us we should have known from the beginning that we needed that and that it is too late to ask for it now.  After all, you decided to have children with this person so, as the saying goes, “you made your bed and now you have to lie in it,” and so on and so on.  The critic can be relentless. Let me strongly encourage you to take a moment to tell your inner critic that you are not making the decision based on this question alone, only that this is a part of knowing what to do next.  That being said, what is your bottom line on staying in this relationship?  Requiring the absence of abuse, emotional manipulation, and dishonesty can seem like no-brainers to some of us, but, if those are things we grew up with, we can easily come to expect that they are part of life and are to be expected.  Let me assure you, they are not a part of every relationship and if it is your belief that they are, please contact a therapist to begin to work on loving yourself more.  I have met too many people who have said to me that they are staying with the person they are with because they don’t cheat and don’t hit.  I’m going to encourage you to go beyond this.  If you can’t think of the relationship you would want for yourself, think of the relationship you hope your children will have with a romantic partner one day.

3.  This next one is a helpful “re-frame.”  I got it from listening to Robert Holden (author of Shift Happens* and host of a radio show with the same title on Hay House Radio).  He makes an important point that even if you decide to “end” what you think of as your relationship with your child’s other parent, you are really only ending one part of your relationship.  In reality, what you are thinking of as an ending is actually a transition from one kind of relationship to another- from romantic, to co-parenting.  If you are anticipating this change, please remember that people can act differently in different situations.  I have seen parents where, if I’m being honest, I understand why the relationship ended with their partner, however, that same person can be a “good enough” parent.  Sure, they may not do things the way you do them.  But, just take a moment to think of every way you have ever seen someone fold clothes.  Does everyone fold them the same way?  Of course not!  Even if the clothes are folded differently are they still folded?  Yes.  Sure, you may have a preference for how things are done, but your life will be easier if you stay open to the possibility (as long as the other parent is not abusive) that your child’s other parent may have an alternative and acceptable way of parenting as well.  Having this attitude can improve your relationship whether or not it stays romantic or transitions to co-parenting.

4.  This might be the most important of my tips.  For the sake of your relationships with your child’s other parent, your child, and yourself, take really, really good care of yourself.  The only thing we can control is how we react to different situations.  We cannot change people with ultimatums, threats, and resentment.  What we can do is to really take care of ourselves.  Have you been telling yourself that as soon as your partner’s issues are taken care of you will____ (fill in the blank, lose weight, stop smoking, meditate)?  Guess what?  When you do that you are holding your partner up to a higher standard than you are holding yourself up to.  Take time to be the kind of person you want to be with.  Follow your interests, be loving, take care of your chores around the house, laugh often.  When we do these things there are a few possibilities.  One possibility is that you will find that you are happier and see how you may have been contributing to the unhappiness in the relationship.  Another is that you will find that you are strong enough to leave the relationship if it becomes apparent that it is not healthy for you.  Still another is that your partner may take notice of your positive changes and begin to make some as well by your example.  I know your children will do just that also.

Perhaps the overall question of staying or going is the wrong one after all.  More importantly, we want to ask, “Who do I want to be in this relationship?”  If we can ask and answer that question, then work to get to be that person, then we can find happiness either in or outside of any relationship.  It is when we stop looking to outside relationships to fix something inside that we find ourselves and when you find yourself to be a person you will always like, that you will always want to be with and around, that you will also find you are able to have relationships with others that meet your expectations as well.  I strongly encourage anyone considering separation or divorce from their child’s other parent to seek therapists knowledgable in helping parents to create a healthy co-parenting relationship.

*You can find the links to purchase any books mentioned in this post by clicking the Amazon widgets button at the top, right hand corner of this page.  See disclaimer page.

May 30, 2012 Posted by | parent support/ self improvement, Parenting, thinking about therapy? | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Monday is Parenting Affirmation Day! 5-14-2012

Mathematics homework

Mathematics homework (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s Monday, May 14th- Parent Affirmation day at Help 4 Your Family! Today’s affirmation is one I use a lot:

I give my children age appropriate time and space to solve their own problems.

This affirmation is good for many kinds of situations.  One is watching our children struggle with something.  This affirmation helps us to remember that there are some struggles that are age appropriate and that our children will benefit from resolving on their own because they want to learn it.  Rebecca from Mom Meets Blog writes about this in her sweet post about her son that you can read here.

Another situation where this affirmation is helpful is when our children are struggling with something and do not want to learn it- but we know it is age appropriate for them to do so.  A child who works really hard to get to you to give him the answers to homework assignments would be an example of a time when you can repeat this affirmation to yourself to remind yourself that you are helping, not hurting, your child by allowing them to experience the struggle.

Also, I use the words “age appropriate” purposely.  I find that as parents we sometimes forget that as sophistocated as our children may seem, that there are some expectations that may not be age appropriate- expecting a 10-year-old to clean the kitchen to the same standards as an adult, or telling a child they must work things out with a bully at school who is threatening violence are two examples that come to mind.

Saying this affirmation over and over throughout the day makes it become a part of you and of your regular parenting practice.

When have you had to use an affirmation like this?

Do you have a parenting affirmation you would like to share?

Related articles:

Monday is Parenting Affirmation Day! (help4yourfamily.com)

Parenting With Affirmations (help4yourfamily.com)

Chronological vs. Developmental Age (help4yourfamily.com)

I Was a Cereal Killer (MomMeetsBlog.wordpress.com)

May 14, 2012 Posted by | affirmations, help for parents | , , , , , | 6 Comments

Do you like how you are feeling?

Angry cat

Angry cat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Here is another tip for your parenting tool kit.  It consists of asking a simple question to your children…Do you like how you are feeling?

I ask my children this when they are grumbling at me about a perceived injustice or when they are frustrated or angry about something.  This may seem counter-intuitive.  After all, it is pretty clear how they are feeling, and really, who would chose to feel that way?  Also, I believe that many parents have been taught that we are responsible for the feelings of our children.  We are responsible to be kind to our children.  We are responsible for educating our children.  We are responsible for keeping them safe.  But to say that we are responsible for their feelings when we are being kind and keeping them safe is to pretend that we have control over something we do not.  In the moment that our children get angry over harsh words from a friend, or frustrated over homework, then begin to lash out at us, many parents begin to feel as though it is our job to make it all better for them.   We tell them the friend was wrong to say that and go about getting angry at the friend (even if, upon reflection, the friend had a point), or we show them how to do the math problem even though they are too frustrated to learn it.  Many times this way of doing things can leave us angry because we have taken on the feelings of our child and they do not even appear to be grateful for our help!  How irritating.

I have another idea I would like to suggest.  Ask your child, “Do you like how you are feeling?”  Often times this gives a child a moment to pause and think.  They will, in most cases, pause to take in what you are asking, because this is different from your normal response to their behavior.  When they respond that they do not, you can gently suggest that they try to change that.  It goes like this:

Child: I hate Math, the stupid teacher gave us work we’ve never done in class!  (child continues to grumble).

Parent: Do you like how you are feeling right now?

Child: Huh? (Don’t worry- they are thinking about it)… No!

Parent:  Why don’t you change that?

Child: I can’t change it!  This stupid teacher gave us the worst homework ever!  I hate her!

Parent: Yes, and you are choosing to feel very angry about it.  I can see that.  Would you like to make a different choice?

This conversation often ends in a child huffing at you and grumbling some more.  You really do not need to say anything else, unless your child asks you for suggestions to change their mood (then give them some).  Stay curious in your tone, avoid sounding critical.  The goal of this conversation is not to end all bad feelings.  That is not a realistic dream anyway.  Sometimes math is just hard!  However, what you do accomplish with this conversation is a lesson about each of us being responsible for our own feelings.  I have used this conversation with my own daughters since they were three and it has worked quite well.  While they do have some times when they are grouchy, often times, after I ask this question, they end up wandering off to their rooms to reflect for a few minutes and come back to the family with a better attitude.  For younger children, you may want to talk them through it a bit, but I would strongly suggest that you wait until they ask you for help instead of jumping in to give it right away since when they come to you with a question, they are much more likely to listen to the answer.

The unintended consequence of this conversation is good as well.  Now that I use this intervention consistently as part of my parenting tool kit, I also find myself asking the same question internally when I am in a bad mood.  I hear myself grumbling at the children, then I hear my own voice in my head asking if I like how I am feeling right now, then suggesting that I change it.  This is why you want to make extra sure that you say these words to your children with as much love as possible, because soon, they will be echoing in your own ears.

Please feel free to share other ways you teach children to be responsible for their own feelings.  Have you tried this way?  How did it work for you?

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May 11, 2012 Posted by | discipline, help for parents | , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Teaching young children about “stranger danger”

Street photography - photograph of a child wat...

Street photography – photograph of a child watching children play on the grounds of Arts College at Osmania University, Hyderabad, AP – India. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am writing this post in response to a post by GorillaParenting’s post, “Stranger Danger- Gorilla Parenting- Fail!”  I will re-blog it so you can see the quick video of (I assume) the writer’s daughter answering the question, “What do you do if a stranger tries to give you a piece of candy?”  Her answer is, “Say thank you.”  While this is very cute, it also raises a question posed by the blogger- how do we teach our children who is safe and who is not?

Most of us grew up hearing about stranger danger and about never talking to strangers, etc. but I think it is time for a new conversation about this topic that first acknowledges that this is a much more complex issue than we give it credit for.  We know that it is important in our lives to talk to strangers for many things.  After all, on the first day of school, your child’s new teacher is often a stranger to them but of course you want them to talk to the teacher.  At the same time, we want them to be able to identify and get away from anyone who has an intent to harm them.  So, how does one teach a young child who is and is not safe?  Here are a few tips.

1.  “Stranger Danger lessons” grow and change over a lifetime and are not a one time event.  Start this conversation with your young child by asking them if they know what strangers are, followed up by a question about what strangers look like.  You might be surprised by the response you get.  Many children know that strangers are people you do not know, but then if you ask what they look like, children sometimes feel they can give a pretty good description.  This is your opportunity to begin teaching your child about strangers and how to tell if someone is a “safe” stranger or not.  Every child will stay away from a scary guy in a dark cape hanging out in an alley- we know that, it’s the person who would try to lure your child away with kindness that we worry about.  And, of course, there is a healthy balance to be made here because we do not want children to be frightened.  I coach my own children to speak to strangers that are “helping strangers” like someone who works at the store, a police officer or firefighter.  I also tell them if they are ever lost or need help to look for a parent who has children with them that are the same age as my child.  After all, a parent with same age children is most likely to empathize with the needs of my child and to help them to get the help they need.

2.  Come up with some rules for your child about who is and is not a stranger.  When does someone become an acquaintance and does that mean you can go into their home or with them in a car?  In one of your ongoing conversations with your child, fit this in.  What do you need to know about a person for them not to be a stranger anymore?  I often would say you need to know their first and last names, where they live or work, and your mom or dad has to say they are no longer a stranger.  Even if someone is not a stranger, you can talk about whether they are okay to go with and make sure your child always knows to tell you before they go with someone.  Many families also have a code word that they use with kids so that if something ever happened where, say, the normal person was not there to get them off the bus after school, the parent would send someone to pick the child up and that person would share the code word so the child knows they are safe.

3.  Make a playful guessing game with your child when you go to the park and ask them who is a “safe” stranger and who is an “unsafe” stranger.  This will give you an opportunity to teach your child to listen to their own instincts about who is safe to talk to and what it is okay to talk to them about, and to teach them that people who look good, are not always what they appear to be.  Any stranger that tries to give a child something or tries to have a child go with them without checking with their parents or having the kids check with their parents is not okay.   You can also talk with kids about listening to the “uh oh” feeling we get around people sometimes in their tummy, heart or throat.  Tell them to check with you first before talking to a stranger (you can come up with a signal like a head nod to say it is okay also).  After a child talks to the stranger, ask them how it felt.  You can ask them if that person would have been okay to go with to check on their lost puppy (hint- the answer is always “no,” or, “only if I check with you (the parent) first.”   If kids get an “uh oh” feeling about a stranger, talk about why they think that is- was the person not listening about your child’s personal space body language (were they in your space bubble?).  Was the person asking intrusive, personal questions? Acknowledge how these things can be disturbing and help kids figure out how to address them with adults in a respectful way.

When talking to your young child about strangers, I would be sure to try to keep the conversation on the lighter, playful side since we do not want to scare them, but to also playfully fit in little tests of their knowledge.  Children love it when they know the answers to questions.  Remember too, that children love it when they know the rules about things, and, even more, they love rituals.  Create a ritual where each time you go to the park, you remind them of the rules on the way, stay on the mulched area, ask me before you run to the bathroom by yourself, ask the owner before you pet their dog, and never go anywhere with anyone or accept anything from anyone without asking first.  When they are tired of you saying the rules every time, you can make it a guessing game and they can tell you the rules.  When they consistently tell you the rules every time, they have got it and you have done the best you can do on this one.

What’s funny is that I don’t think that original video that prompted this post is a “fail” at all.  My guess, by looking at the body language of the child is that what actually happened is mom and dad thought they were asking the child about stranger danger but what the child imagined in her safe, secure little world was that a stranger presented her with candy with mom or dad watching and giving a nod, then she takes it.  So, what do you do then?  Say thank you, of course!

The real problem is that the people who most often harm children are not strangers.  Look for future posts about how to help children feel confident enough to protect themselves if someone they know ever tries to cross a boundary.

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April 25, 2012 Posted by | child development, help for parents, keeping children safe | , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

The Problem with Social Services- from a Social Worker’s Perspective- part I

Length of stay in U.S. foster care

Length of stay in U.S. foster care (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

I am writing this post in response to another post by Daniellesstory (I will repost so you can see it if you missed it) asking how it is that we might mobilize to make our children safer. Part of her concern was their safety when they have been entrusted to the care of social services.  I would highly recommend you read her post about her experiences with her adopted daughter and social services and her questions about how to enact meaningful legislation that would really help children rather than serve as “nice words” saying we support a safe and healthy childhood for every child.  I realize that her blog is not asking solely about Social Services but since most of the children that I see in my practice have had some interaction with social services, this is actually an issue that comes up a lot and I will focus on them for this post.  If you are interested in finding out more about my own work history that informs my thoughts here, you can read my longer professional biography on the website www.attachmentdisordermaryland.com- you will find me in the “about us” section.  While there are many aspects of Social Services we could talk about, in this post, I am going to stick with ways to change the ability of Social Services to protect children.

The issues, as I see them, are three-fold, implementation, support and funding.  I will speak to implementation first.  Right now, the individual states are in charge of the Departments of Social Services (they are not even all called that- but they all serve the same function) and within the states, sometimes Social Services are run by the counties and cities within the state.  Each area decides for example, the level of education required to call someone a social worker and that can very within a state.  In my state, Maryland, the county I live in has Child Protective Service (CPS) workers that are all Master’s level educated, while in Baltimore City, the Master’s level educated people are not in the field, they are supervising the workers in the field who may have an AA or undergraduate degree.  It’s easy to see how a CPS worker with an AA would have a different skill set for helping, coping with burnout etc. from a Master’s level worker.

Additionally, different states have different laws about the implementation of protective services.  In Maryland we have a law that states that Social Services must respond to an abuse report where a child may be in danger within 24 hours.  That law and a law requiring workers to see any child who is a ward of the state routinely was the result of a child death while the child was in care and a subsequent re-haul of the system (via the Maryland state legislature).  We also have a “mandatory reporter” law where people that routinely work with children, such as people in the school system, health care workers, social workers, etc.  are required to report any suspicion of abuse.  Other states have other laws governing (or not governing) social services.  Consequently, when we talk about protecting children, we really must look to the laws of the state.  In the daniellesstory post, the author suggested a lawsuit.  I would suggest laws are easier changed by speaking to politicians about actual measures they can take.  It is not my intent at all to minimize or excuse the awful things that happened to that author’s daughter or her daughter’s biological brother, only to better explain where the gaps and disservice comes from.

The question I think I get most often from people first bringing in their traumatized children to me has to do with why social workers do or do not remove children from a home.  Here’s the deal… when we have a legal system that presumes innocence until guilt is proven, we create a reactive rather than proactive society.  This means that social workers cannot just waltz into a home and remove children unless they have concerns that the child is in iminate harm of abuse.  Each state has different laws about what constitutes abuse or neglect.  In my state abuse means that a person left a physical mark on a child, used a child in a sexually exploitative manner, neglected to meet a child’s basic needs for health and welfare by not dressing them appropriately for the weather, neglecting to follow through on medical recommendations involving health issues, etc.  Also included in my state’s laws related to abuse is mental harm- wherein a child has been emotionally abused by a parent, however, I do not know of a single case where a child has been removed for this alone.  To break this down into the parts people seem most interested in, no, you cannot remove a child solely because they have drug addicted or alcoholic parent, or their house is messy all the time (unless the mess creates certain harm to the child), or because you think they are overly punative and mean.  Children can be removed if the parents are drug abusers who have taken the child in the car while they were driving drunk or high, the mess in the house constitutes danger to a child, or the punative, mean nature of the parent translates into actual physical harm to the child.  Because of the reactive nature of our system, children cannot be removed before harm is done.  Child Protective Service (CPS) workers are trained to work to keep children in the home since we do not have a large pool of willing foster parents who are excited to take children into their home.  Kinship care (where a child is placed with a relative) is the next step, and foster care is the last resort  a worker looks for.  Again, implementation of these decisions over whether a child stays or does not stay will have a lot to do with the training and support given to people in local departments and can vary widely.

In 1997, Congress enacted a law making a timeline where social services are required to work toward reunification of the child with their parent, except for some extreme cases, for 15 months.  After those months are completed, they are to switch to permanency planning where they work toward the termination of parental rights so a child is free to be adopted.  This law is in effect to avoid having children lingering in care for years and years while the system waits for a child’s parent to get it together.  The belief behind the law is that children are best served by being in a family.  Because this is a federal law- it is the same in every state.

As I mentioned before, not all states have the same laws and you definitely want to look up the laws in your individual state.  The laws directly impact the way services are implemented so if you are looking for a different implementation of services, I would suggest you look at the wording of the laws about what constitutes abuse, who is a mandatory reporter and what they would be required to report, and look at the timeline for services for a child outside of the federal timeline like how quickly a child needs to be seen etc.  I would not try to change the law to be pro-active (removing children before harm is done), not only is it asking to change a fundamental principle of our legal system, it is a slippery slope.   Take, for example, when people say you should need a license to be a parent.  Who would implement that law?  Who would decide who gets to be a parent?  What would the requirements be? When you look at it that way, you can see this is not a road we want to go down.  We can’t even agree if a grown woman should be allowed to have birth control covered by her insurance for goodness sake- how in the world would anyone begin to decide who would get the parenting license, etc?  I would also point out that I have met many parents who are “licensed”- they are foster parents and while they are required to take classes and pass basic requirements, they continue to have the same spectrum of parenting ability as the general population- anywhere from abhorrent to fantastic.  To conclude this portion, I would say that the laws generally protect parents to raise children in the ways we see fit with limits set for the minimum standard of care and the maximum amount of physical force and exploitation.  Within those parameters, we are all free to “mess up” our children as much as we would like and the system does not get to take them.

Tomorrow, I am going to post about two other issues, support for Social Workers and others who aid in protecting children and barriers to prevention.

What do you think would be a good law to implement to protect children?

April 17, 2012 Posted by | social services | , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Parental Reframes When Things Don’t Look So Good

through the frame

through the frame (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

written by Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

Alright, so you did something you are not so proud of.  Let’s be clear, we’re not talking about major screw ups- like anything that meets criteria for abuse or neglect- we’re talking the overly harsh words or failure to understand the depths of need of our child if they have been trying to tell us about a problem.  You know, the things we routinely beat ourselves up for as parents.  First of all, I want to say (I may have said this before and I will probably say it again because it is such a wonderful statistic) that being “good enough” to support a securely attached child means we meet their needs a mere 30-40% of the time.  This is not meant to give permission not to meet your child’s needs, but serves more to allow us to forgive ourselves when we miss something or respond differently than we would have liked and to see some of the positives in otherwise difficult situations such as divorce, death of a loved one, illness, trouble at school or with friends.  Parental reframes work in all kinds of situations.

What do I mean by parental reframe?  Well, you know how you can take the same picture and put it in different frames to make it look different?  Depending on the frame a picture is in, you may notice more of one thing or another.  Life can be the same way.  A large part of parenting, as I see it, is to help children (and ourselves) find the most appropriate, helpful frame to put our issues in.  Notice, I did not say it was to shield children from all difficult situations.  First of all, that is impossible and we would only be setting ourselves up for failure.  Secondly, you would not want to do that since childhood is precisely the time we need to learn to handle difficulties while we have our parents to protect and guide us.  We are there to help children frame the pain they will inevitably have- not to keep them from any pain.  So, what is a parental reframe?  It is taking a step back to look at the frame we have put around a situation, then asking ourselves if there may be another frame that we might like to use instead.  There really are so few absolutes in life and really our reality can be framed in many different ways.

Take a look at the picture below.

Do you see the baby?  If you are like me, it will take a minute for you to find it but once you do, you will see the baby was there all along.  The toes are in the branches on the right, the head is made where the trees come together on the left.  Once you see it, you can’t un-see it, even though it was there all along.  That’s how a reframe is.  We get stuck on a story: divorce ruins children for example, or maybe even a worry more universal to parents like the feeling that our child never helps around the house.  These times are precisely the times when we need a reframe.

How in the world are you supposed to reframe issues, especially beliefs or worries about your child that feel deeply entrenched?  Let’s start the easy way first.  When you have a few minutes, stop and take a few breaths while you pause to see if you can think about this issue in another way.  It can be easier to do this if you ask yourself what your most loving friend might say about this issue to you.  Ask yourself if it is possible that there may be alternative possibilities from what you have come up with so far.  If you think it would be helpful, take a moment to brainstorm other possibilities for the belief you are clinging to.  After all, this is only a belief and there are very few absolute truths out there.  Let’s take our example of kids that don’t help around the house.  Is it possible they try to help in some ways, just not the ways you wish they would?  Is it possible they need more instruction to help?  Is it possible you are asking (or demanding) for help in ways that are not effective for your children?  Do they have something going on that prevents them from focusing on helping you like their age, ability level, extra-curricular activities, schoolwork, etc?

Next, take a moment to consider what you would like to believe about your child.  Create an affirmation about what you would like to believe.  My child is helpful around the house in many ways.  Think of ways this affirmation is true.  Say the affirmation many times over the next few days.  Point out when you child does helpful things and begin stating ways they can help you as if you expect them to do those things.  Be surprised when they haven’t picked up their items off the dining room table!

Just changing our attitude about a situation can help our children to change theirs.  I have seen this work too many times to think otherwise.  I have many clients with attachment disorders.  Many times when they first come to see me their parents lament about how they are constantly in trouble.  Their parents, who usually adopted them at an older age, often adopted them with the desire to show them how wonderful life can be!  These parents want their children to have new and exciting life opportunities and they come in so frustrated that their children continue to get into trouble that requires the parents to keep them home more over and over.  We reframe the statement of “my child is constantly getting into trouble and can’t ever make good decisions” to “my child gets easily overwhelmed by new experiences and transitions.”  When we re-frame the child’s acting out behaviors from “bad” to “overwhelmed” the feeling as a parent changes significantly as well from a hopeless stance, to protective.  While the child may still not be allowed out to do much, the intent and feelings behind the parents decisions feel more loving and come across that way to the children.

I know this may all sound a bit Pollyannaish to people. Additionally, I do not want to say that a reframe on cleaning is the same as a reframe on divorce.  However, there are helpful aspects to all experiences in life.  If the technique of thinking it through is not working for you, please take a moment to read my previous blog “How to know if you or your child need a counselor” (link below).  Reframes are a lot of what we therapists help people to do.

Having trouble with a reframe?  Let me invite you to post the belief you need reframed, or a belief you have reframed and tell me how it worked.  While I can not diagnose or treat via a blog, I would love to have feedback on this topic (or any others).

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April 10, 2012 Posted by | help for parents | , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

4 Rules parents can live by

Happy Children Playing Kids

Happy Children Playing Kids (Photo credit: epSos.de)

About 15 years ago I went to a talk given by Joan Borysenko.  During her talk, she said she was quoting from someone whose name she could not remember- I’ve tried to look it up since but I can’t figure out who said it either.  What she said is that there are four rules for life: 1. Show up, 2. Pay attention, 3. Give what you have to give, 4. Don’t be connected to the results.  I heard these words when I was still in college, before I became a therapist and a mother and they have resonated with me ever since, especially as a parent.  I believe that if we all incorporate some of the wisdom of these words into our daily lives as parents then we will all be happier, and we will have happier children.

1. Show up.  Turn off your cell phone and the television.  If you can ever volunteer at school, do it- even if it is only one time a year.  Be present with your child in the moment as much as possible.

2.  Pay attention.  Pay attention to what your child is trying to tell you.  Is your child asking you to read a book or watch a television show they really liked?  Maybe there is something in the book they really want to discuss with you.  Is your child telling you something about himself or herself that you have not been willing to hear?  Notice, this step does not say, “Pay attention and judge.” or “Pay attention and fix what you think is wrong.”  It says “Pay attention.”  Meditation is a good tool to help us(and our children) learn to be in the present moment.

3.  Give what you have to give.  Another way I think of this rule is “set boundaries.”  Again, notice it does not say “give of yourself until there is nothing left.”  I think we as parents can sometimes have a hard time with deciding what it is we have to give, whether it be money, time or attention to our children.  To me, giving what I have to give means giving something freely to my children or someone else so long as I will not feel resentful or remourseful later that I gave it.  This is a hard one but so important to model for our children.

4.  Don’t be connected to the results.  I would add that you cannot control them anyway and it is time for us all to stop pretending that we do.  Sorry folks, but in parenting there are so many aspects of a child’s life that are so far out of our control that we never had a chance anyway.  Oh sure we can pretend things are all our fault when they go right or wrong, but any parent with a child that was traumatized, or who grows up to be addicted to something will tell you that was never in their plan for their child.  Sure you can monitor what your child is doing but do they ever get into a vehicle with you or someone else?  Do you have a television, radio or computer in your home? Well, if you answered yes to any of these, you no longer control the results.  Accidents happen, good people can be hurt, children can conduct secret lives right under our noses with no small thanks to technology.  We can have the best of intentions and still things can go wrong.

Depressed yet?  Please allow me to help with that.  There are some things we can control.  We can control our own actions.  We can become aware of the ways in which we interact with our children and with others around us.  We can be a safe, loving, soft place to fall for our children.  We can model health and wellness for them in such a way that it would be difficult for them to ignore how wonderful it looks so they will be attracted to doing the same for themselves. Adding a spiritual practice is a good idea also if you believe in that kind of thing.  A spiritual practice reminds us that our relationship with our children is just one important relationship and their relationship to their higher power is another (and is none of our business). Doing all of those things brings us right back to the first four steps I mentioned and allows us to live them with grace and dignity for ourselves and for our children.

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April 3, 2012 Posted by | help for parents | , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

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