help4yourfamily

Create the family you want to have

Discipline vs. punishment

FCC program offers child care, career - FMWRC ...

FCC program offers child care, career – FMWRC – US Army – 100916 (Photo credit: familymwr)

written by Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C

People might wonder why it is that I would wish to make a distinction between discipline and punishment since we often use the terms interchangeably.  However, I believe there is an important distintion to make.

Discipline is a word that originates from the word “disciple” which means one who accepts and teaches the learnings of another.  If you think about that word, and it’s origins, we can narrow it down to discipline being about teaching.

Punishment is different and mainly refers to inflicting consequences on another.

Deutsch: Historische Federzeichnung einer schu...

Deutsch: Historische Federzeichnung einer schulischen Körperstrafe. Handschriftlicher Begleittext in Original: Tyranis di Magistrum (Tyrannei des Lehrers). Randzeichnung im Buch Lob der Torheit von Erasmus von Rotterdam English: Schoolboy receiving bare bottom birching, from a medieval source (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There is a quote we use in attachment to teach parents about how children learn to see themselves in the world.  It is by Thomas Cooley, “I am who I think you think I am.”  This is the truth for children.  The full quote from Cooley is actually, “I am not who I think I am; I am not who you think I am; I am who I think you think I am.”  I find this to be so true for every child I have ever seen with the “I” being the child and the “you” being their parents.  Think about your own childhood.  Did you come to know yourself as a child by virtue of what you thought your parents thought of you?  Have you ever struggled with finding out who you are as you moved away from what your parents think of you and who you are, to be who you truely are?  The same is and will be true for your children.  They believe they are who you believe them to be.  What does this have to do with punishment vs. discipline?  It gives us a framework for making decisions about what to do when our children display behaviors we find undesireable (or desireable too).  In many ways, we are Gods to them.  They are your desciples.  What will you teach them?  Or, alternately, will you punish them for things you do not like?

In case you have not figured it out, I am all for discipline, not so much for punishment.  As you will see in the other posts I have written and will keep writing, I do not believe that to teach children new behaviors we mush punish them.  In fact, I think punishment tends to do the opposite by taking the focus off of the behavior and onto their relatonship with you and the conflict you are experiencing with each other.

So, what is the big deal and how will it look different day to day?  Well, in the end, it may not look that different, the discipline framework I am referring to is more a question of the intent of you as a parent.  When we come to our children as loving teachers, the same intervention can have a different feel to the child.  For example, both a disciplinarian and a punisher might decide not to allow their child to go out the weekend after they break a curfew.  However, the disciplinarian would say something like, “Sure, you can go out until 11pm after I have learned to trust you to come in by 10 reliably.  Guess we’ll have to see whether you can do that next week.  Tonight, I want you with me so I don’t have to worry about your safety like last time.”  A punisher says something more like, “You were late last week.  You know the rules, if you break curfew you’re in for a week.”  The tone of discipline is on loving the child and expecting them to do their best for them and for you while punishment is more about, “I’m in charge and you’re in trouble.”

Lots of times discipline looks more forgiving and tolerant of a child’s choices and people can make the mistake that it is overly permissive.  Please let me clarify that discipline allows more for natural consequences with the understanding that children can learn best by age appropriate experiences.  An example of this would be allowing for a bad grade then remarking about how difficult it must be for your child to see themselves earn a grade that is beneath them.  You could also remark on how you are surprised by the grade since you know they are a good student (I am who I think you think I am).  Not only is discipline easier for us as parents (let’s face it- when your kids are punished so are you), in my view of it, we are teaching our children to love themselves and expecting that they will love and respect us in return.  By expecting and giving love and respect as part of our ongoing give and take relationship with our children, we teach them that who they are is important and worthwhile while building the foundations of positive self-esteem that will last a lifetime.

April 9, 2012 Posted by | discipline, help for parents | , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Trash Your Behavior Charts!

Kids (film)

Kids (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a pet peeve as both a parent and as a clinician about behavior charts.  You know, those charts where kids get stickers for doing things they are supposed to be doing anyway, and then they get a treat or prize for doing it enough times?  I am aware this opinion may be upsetting to some clinicians and especially school professionals where behavior charts are relied upon so heavily.  As a parent, I just think they are annoying and hard to follow for me.  As a clinician, I believe they set up a tit for tat system in a family where everyone starts measuring who did what when.  For my parents with children with attachment disorder they are especially frustrating because by the time a child has earned the prize, you might feel as though you are so angry about all the work it took for you to get them to do the chore/ desired behavior that you don’t really feel like giving them anything.  Sometimes kids make you sorry you gave the prize after the fact by deciding now that they earned the prize they don’t need to do anything for a while.  What a pain.

I have a much better alternative to traditional behavior charts.  It’s the only one that works and it requires little effort from you!  This will take all of two minutes of your life.  Here’s how it works:

  1.  Take a piece of paper and write down one or two (I would only do a couple at a time because it’s easier to keep track of) things your child does that bug the heck out of you i.e. lying, “forgetting” to do their chores, sassing back.  Pick something that is realistic for their developmental level.
  2. Think of a few prizes you might like to earn that involve self-care: a massage, getting a cup of tea with a friend, take a long bath, etc.
  3. Let your child know that you are now giving yourself a behavior chart.  When you are able to successfully handle this behavior from your child in a manner you feel is appropriate (without you yelling, whining, engaging in a back and forth battle), you get a point!  Decide how many points you need to earn to get a prize.   Tell your child that when they engage in that behavior from now on you (not they) will earn a point.
  4. When they do engage in the behavior, calmly remark on what an opportunity this is for you to earn points so you can take care of yourself.  It’s important for parents to take care of themselves when kids are giving them a hard time.  You can wonder aloud how long it’s going to take to get your prize.
  5. This is the most important step.  Follow through!  When you earn your points, do the thing you said you would do to take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it.  Remember you picked things you like to do so perhaps they can help you now.

I have successfully used this “behavior chart” with many parents now and I have used it myself.  It works like a charm.  I used it with my own daughters who kept coming in at night to have me take them back to bed when they had their normal cycle of lighter sleep.  I modified it so that if one kid came in, she earned her sister a point!  Guess who sleeps without interruption for weeks at a time?  This lady, right here does! J  It’s really a win-win either way since even if you don’t get the desired behavior right away (and you will because kids get annoyed at the idea of earning you a prize) you at least get some self-care.

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April 5, 2012 Posted by | attachment, discipline, help for parents | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

4 Rules parents can live by

Happy Children Playing Kids

Happy Children Playing Kids (Photo credit: epSos.de)

About 15 years ago I went to a talk given by Joan Borysenko.  During her talk, she said she was quoting from someone whose name she could not remember- I’ve tried to look it up since but I can’t figure out who said it either.  What she said is that there are four rules for life: 1. Show up, 2. Pay attention, 3. Give what you have to give, 4. Don’t be connected to the results.  I heard these words when I was still in college, before I became a therapist and a mother and they have resonated with me ever since, especially as a parent.  I believe that if we all incorporate some of the wisdom of these words into our daily lives as parents then we will all be happier, and we will have happier children.

1. Show up.  Turn off your cell phone and the television.  If you can ever volunteer at school, do it- even if it is only one time a year.  Be present with your child in the moment as much as possible.

2.  Pay attention.  Pay attention to what your child is trying to tell you.  Is your child asking you to read a book or watch a television show they really liked?  Maybe there is something in the book they really want to discuss with you.  Is your child telling you something about himself or herself that you have not been willing to hear?  Notice, this step does not say, “Pay attention and judge.” or “Pay attention and fix what you think is wrong.”  It says “Pay attention.”  Meditation is a good tool to help us(and our children) learn to be in the present moment.

3.  Give what you have to give.  Another way I think of this rule is “set boundaries.”  Again, notice it does not say “give of yourself until there is nothing left.”  I think we as parents can sometimes have a hard time with deciding what it is we have to give, whether it be money, time or attention to our children.  To me, giving what I have to give means giving something freely to my children or someone else so long as I will not feel resentful or remourseful later that I gave it.  This is a hard one but so important to model for our children.

4.  Don’t be connected to the results.  I would add that you cannot control them anyway and it is time for us all to stop pretending that we do.  Sorry folks, but in parenting there are so many aspects of a child’s life that are so far out of our control that we never had a chance anyway.  Oh sure we can pretend things are all our fault when they go right or wrong, but any parent with a child that was traumatized, or who grows up to be addicted to something will tell you that was never in their plan for their child.  Sure you can monitor what your child is doing but do they ever get into a vehicle with you or someone else?  Do you have a television, radio or computer in your home? Well, if you answered yes to any of these, you no longer control the results.  Accidents happen, good people can be hurt, children can conduct secret lives right under our noses with no small thanks to technology.  We can have the best of intentions and still things can go wrong.

Depressed yet?  Please allow me to help with that.  There are some things we can control.  We can control our own actions.  We can become aware of the ways in which we interact with our children and with others around us.  We can be a safe, loving, soft place to fall for our children.  We can model health and wellness for them in such a way that it would be difficult for them to ignore how wonderful it looks so they will be attracted to doing the same for themselves. Adding a spiritual practice is a good idea also if you believe in that kind of thing.  A spiritual practice reminds us that our relationship with our children is just one important relationship and their relationship to their higher power is another (and is none of our business). Doing all of those things brings us right back to the first four steps I mentioned and allows us to live them with grace and dignity for ourselves and for our children.

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April 3, 2012 Posted by | help for parents | , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Two things your kids tell their therapists about you

Peers become important in middle childhood and...

Before I tell you what your children are telling me, let me say, I’m a child therapist and what your children are telling me about you might surprise you.  Keep in mind that I work mainly with children who have a history of trauma and/or attachment issues.  I see children with depression and anxiety too.   Your kids with attachment issues don’t tell me these things with words, but if you have a child like that, you know, they tell you things with actions.   You know your kids that you send to me?  The ones you would do anything for?  The ones you are so worried about?  I’m going to tell you two things they all tell me about you:

  1.  You need to take better care of yourself.  Now, if I had titled this blog “self-care for parents” you probably wouldn’t have read it, right?  But now you are, so please take a moment to remember your own childhood and ask yourself the following questions:
    1. What did you want from your parents that you didn’t get?
    2. Would you have been more likely to have gotten that from your parents had they taken more time for themselves that involved introspection and self-care?

If your answer is yes to either question, then guess what?  It’s true for your children also.  If you happen to be the parent of a child with attachment issues, you have to know self-care is of the utmost importance for you since those children tend to be, shall we say…very unrewarding.  I know, I know, you are one of those parents that is going to tell me you will take care of yourself when the kids are okay, right?  I have news.  There is this thing called attunement that makes it so that whole idea doesn’t fly.  Basically, when you are not okay, neither are your kids.  You know this is true if you were ever a kid with parents who were not okay.  Your attachment disordered children, if you have them, do not say these words out loud, instead, they tell you with their behavior by being even more miserable to you when you are not okay as a way to show that they are worried about you.  Every parent I have ever worked with who has a child with attachment issues finds that when they are doing better, so are their children.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Interested in learning more about actual ways to feel like you are taking care of yourself?  Stay tuned for more blogs about parental self-care and please- don’t skip them…do it for the kids.

  1. Another surprising one to many parents is this… kids want you to set limits.  I know!  The whining, negotiating, rule breaking and arguments threw you off, didn’t it?  Here’s what kids say behind your back- they know you do it because you love them.  If you didn’t set a limit, they will just keep testing to see when your love for them will kick in.  Here is a quick way to set limits that eliminates some of the arguments…”As your parent, I love you too much to let you do that.  You deserve better.”   This works when you are on the phone and they keep talking to you while you are trying to get self-care by checking in with your friend.  See how I put those together?  It sounds like this “I want to hear what you have to say.  Give me 5 minutes on the phone then you will get my full attention, like you deserve.”  Another example is, “You deserve to be in a safe environment, I love you too much to let you go to a party if I haven’t made sure responsible adults will be present.”  Sure you’ll get eye rolls.  You just blocked what they thought they wanted to do!  You also reinforced your love for them and that’s pretty hard to argue with – even though they will try.

Ultimately, what your children want is what we all know to be true in our hearts, when one person in a family is not doing well it is not just that child that has a problem, it is the entire system and the best way we can heal a hurting system is to heal the parts we can control the best- ourselves.  So, your work in helping your children, your most important work, is to care for yourself and your boundaries with love.  If you find it hard to do that, then it is not just your child that could use help from a therapist.

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April 2, 2012 Posted by | help for parents | , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

What is attachment disorder?

Mother and Child watching each other

Mother and Child watching each other (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One of the areas I specialize in is working with children with attachment disorders.  If that term is new to you, please allow me to explain.  Attachment is the relationship a child forms with their early caregivers that shapes how we form connections to other people throughout our lives.  We are all born relying completely upon adults to meet our needs.  I am no animal expert, however, I believe humans are one of the few species that cannot feed ourselves soon after birth.  For basic nourishment and caretaking, we rely heavily upon adult caretakers for a relatively long period of time.

As infants, while we are relying on our caretakers, we are also building the neurotransmitter systems in our brains.  When babies look into the eyes of their parents, literally thousands of neurons per second get activated and the building of this neuron wiring sets up the building block of our attachment system or structure.  When you think of it this way, it is simple: if baby gets her needs met “enough,” she develops what we would call a secure attachment, if baby does not get her needs met “enough” she develops what we would call an “insecure” attachment.  By the way, “enough” has been studied and it means that we meet our babies/ children’s needs 30% of the time (or preferably more).  That does not mean that 7 out of 10 times are gimme’s!  Think about when a baby is crying.  You try to figure out what is wrong…diaper?  No.  Hungry?  No.  Rocking and singing?  Bingo!  You just got it wrong twice and right the third time.  The trick to this is to keep trying to label and meet a child’s needs and to help them learn to label and name their needs to make it easier for you as they grow.  But I digress…

Securely attached children tend to think more along the lines of:

  • The world is a safe place.
  • I am loving and loveable.
  • I get my needs met.
  • Adults are reliable.
  • If I have a problem, I can usually fix it or get someone to help me.
  • My choices make a difference.

Children with insecure attachments tend to think more along the lines of:

  • I need to get my own needs met.
  • I am bad.
  • When I trust people I usually get hurt.
  • My choices don’t make any difference.
  • I need to fix my own problems.
  • People are not trustworthy.

In the classification of insecurely attached children there are two categories.  I see these categories as insecurely attached with a structure (anxious or avoidant) and insecurely attached without structure (disorganized) .  Why the distinction?  Because if you have a child who tends toward anxious/avoidant, you are more likely to be able to predict behaviors and their response to different challenges.  However, with a disorganized structure, because the child has no system for tackling issues in place at all, it is incredibly difficult to predict what the child will do in a given situation.

To find out more about attachment disorder please visit the website I participate with www.attachmentdisordermaryland.com.  There you will find a wealth of information on this topic.

Stay tuned for future posts on attachment as well!

March 31, 2012 Posted by | attachment disorder | , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

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