help4yourfamily

Create the family you want to have

4 Rules parents can live by

Happy Children Playing Kids

Happy Children Playing Kids (Photo credit: epSos.de)

About 15 years ago I went to a talk given by Joan Borysenko.  During her talk, she said she was quoting from someone whose name she could not remember- I’ve tried to look it up since but I can’t figure out who said it either.  What she said is that there are four rules for life: 1. Show up, 2. Pay attention, 3. Give what you have to give, 4. Don’t be connected to the results.  I heard these words when I was still in college, before I became a therapist and a mother and they have resonated with me ever since, especially as a parent.  I believe that if we all incorporate some of the wisdom of these words into our daily lives as parents then we will all be happier, and we will have happier children.

1. Show up.  Turn off your cell phone and the television.  If you can ever volunteer at school, do it- even if it is only one time a year.  Be present with your child in the moment as much as possible.

2.  Pay attention.  Pay attention to what your child is trying to tell you.  Is your child asking you to read a book or watch a television show they really liked?  Maybe there is something in the book they really want to discuss with you.  Is your child telling you something about himself or herself that you have not been willing to hear?  Notice, this step does not say, “Pay attention and judge.” or “Pay attention and fix what you think is wrong.”  It says “Pay attention.”  Meditation is a good tool to help us(and our children) learn to be in the present moment.

3.  Give what you have to give.  Another way I think of this rule is “set boundaries.”  Again, notice it does not say “give of yourself until there is nothing left.”  I think we as parents can sometimes have a hard time with deciding what it is we have to give, whether it be money, time or attention to our children.  To me, giving what I have to give means giving something freely to my children or someone else so long as I will not feel resentful or remourseful later that I gave it.  This is a hard one but so important to model for our children.

4.  Don’t be connected to the results.  I would add that you cannot control them anyway and it is time for us all to stop pretending that we do.  Sorry folks, but in parenting there are so many aspects of a child’s life that are so far out of our control that we never had a chance anyway.  Oh sure we can pretend things are all our fault when they go right or wrong, but any parent with a child that was traumatized, or who grows up to be addicted to something will tell you that was never in their plan for their child.  Sure you can monitor what your child is doing but do they ever get into a vehicle with you or someone else?  Do you have a television, radio or computer in your home? Well, if you answered yes to any of these, you no longer control the results.  Accidents happen, good people can be hurt, children can conduct secret lives right under our noses with no small thanks to technology.  We can have the best of intentions and still things can go wrong.

Depressed yet?  Please allow me to help with that.  There are some things we can control.  We can control our own actions.  We can become aware of the ways in which we interact with our children and with others around us.  We can be a safe, loving, soft place to fall for our children.  We can model health and wellness for them in such a way that it would be difficult for them to ignore how wonderful it looks so they will be attracted to doing the same for themselves. Adding a spiritual practice is a good idea also if you believe in that kind of thing.  A spiritual practice reminds us that our relationship with our children is just one important relationship and their relationship to their higher power is another (and is none of our business). Doing all of those things brings us right back to the first four steps I mentioned and allows us to live them with grace and dignity for ourselves and for our children.

April 3, 2012 Posted by | help for parents | , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Two things your kids tell their therapists about you

Peers become important in middle childhood and...

Before I tell you what your children are telling me, let me say, I’m a child therapist and what your children are telling me about you might surprise you.  Keep in mind that I work mainly with children who have a history of trauma and/or attachment issues.  I see children with depression and anxiety too.   Your kids with attachment issues don’t tell me these things with words, but if you have a child like that, you know, they tell you things with actions.   You know your kids that you send to me?  The ones you would do anything for?  The ones you are so worried about?  I’m going to tell you two things they all tell me about you:

  1.  You need to take better care of yourself.  Now, if I had titled this blog “self-care for parents” you probably wouldn’t have read it, right?  But now you are, so please take a moment to remember your own childhood and ask yourself the following questions:
    1. What did you want from your parents that you didn’t get?
    2. Would you have been more likely to have gotten that from your parents had they taken more time for themselves that involved introspection and self-care?

If your answer is yes to either question, then guess what?  It’s true for your children also.  If you happen to be the parent of a child with attachment issues, you have to know self-care is of the utmost importance for you since those children tend to be, shall we say…very unrewarding.  I know, I know, you are one of those parents that is going to tell me you will take care of yourself when the kids are okay, right?  I have news.  There is this thing called attunement that makes it so that whole idea doesn’t fly.  Basically, when you are not okay, neither are your kids.  You know this is true if you were ever a kid with parents who were not okay.  Your attachment disordered children, if you have them, do not say these words out loud, instead, they tell you with their behavior by being even more miserable to you when you are not okay as a way to show that they are worried about you.  Every parent I have ever worked with who has a child with attachment issues finds that when they are doing better, so are their children.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Interested in learning more about actual ways to feel like you are taking care of yourself?  Stay tuned for more blogs about parental self-care and please- don’t skip them…do it for the kids.

  1. Another surprising one to many parents is this… kids want you to set limits.  I know!  The whining, negotiating, rule breaking and arguments threw you off, didn’t it?  Here’s what kids say behind your back- they know you do it because you love them.  If you didn’t set a limit, they will just keep testing to see when your love for them will kick in.  Here is a quick way to set limits that eliminates some of the arguments…”As your parent, I love you too much to let you do that.  You deserve better.”   This works when you are on the phone and they keep talking to you while you are trying to get self-care by checking in with your friend.  See how I put those together?  It sounds like this “I want to hear what you have to say.  Give me 5 minutes on the phone then you will get my full attention, like you deserve.”  Another example is, “You deserve to be in a safe environment, I love you too much to let you go to a party if I haven’t made sure responsible adults will be present.”  Sure you’ll get eye rolls.  You just blocked what they thought they wanted to do!  You also reinforced your love for them and that’s pretty hard to argue with – even though they will try.

Ultimately, what your children want is what we all know to be true in our hearts, when one person in a family is not doing well it is not just that child that has a problem, it is the entire system and the best way we can heal a hurting system is to heal the parts we can control the best- ourselves.  So, your work in helping your children, your most important work, is to care for yourself and your boundaries with love.  If you find it hard to do that, then it is not just your child that could use help from a therapist.

April 2, 2012 Posted by | help for parents | , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

How to answer tough questions from your kids

The sex talk!  Did you ever try drugs?  How old were you when you first….?

We all dread these questions as parents but we all get them.  So, what to do?  Let me give you the quick 4 step system that I use to help navigate those sticky questions with my children and that I teach to the parents of my clients.

1.  Think through what you would want to say to your child about any things you did that you are not proud of.  Think past denial, denial- your kids know you aren’t perfect and when you lie to them you look bad and they trust you less.

2. Think about the developmental age of your child (this may be different from their chronological age).

3.  Make sure you know what the question is!  How many times have parents had a child ask where babies come from, then launched into a whole developmentally appropriate conversation about where babies come from, only to have their toddler then say they just were wondering if you got babies from the hospital or whether the stork brings them?

4.  Once you have determined the questions, answer only the question your child asked.  See my second step for part of why you want to do this, but another reason why is that with sticky questions, your child may not want to really know all of the answers.  They may ask if you ever tried drugs but they are not ready for a whole conversation about who, what, where, when and why…A simple- I did try them in college but I don’t do them anymore and hope you don’t either- will suffice, unless they ask for more and you are ready to give them more.

As you can see, I am an advocate for honesty.  Children are like little bs detectors.  Their little antennae go up when you lie (just like yours do when they lie to you).  I advocate matter-of-fact honesty with kids.  They will appreciate you for it and will listen more to the part of what you say when you say- I did that, I tried that and I’m so glad I don’t do it anymore.  Or, I never did that, I never tried that and I’m so glad I didn’t.  Be sure to watch your tone- you don’t want to glorify the behaviors or demonize them either.  In many cases your child may be gearing up to tell you something they or a friend have done, or witnessed and by telling a child all the evils, you shut down the next, most important conversation- what if I…?  You know the conversation where you tell them about how to stay safe, and how even if you were disappointed in their choices you would still love them.

Please stay tuned for more parenting tips.  To find out more about me, or my practice please visit my practice website: www.ahealingplaceincolumbia.com.

March 29, 2012 Posted by | help for parents | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Does my child need medication?

This is probably one of the most frequently asked questions that I get the first time I meet a parent who is planning to bring in their child for therapy.  I am a Social Worker and have a private psychotherapy practice which means I am not licensed to prescribe medication, however, many children I see have taken or are taking medication and I do refer out to psychiatrists, who do prescribe medication, if I believe a child is in need.

The short answer that I give to parents who ask this question is to do what I would do with my own children if I felt they needed medication: try everything else first!  This is just my opinion and it is not shared by everyone in my profession, however, while there was a decade or so that many parents were turning to pills to solve the problems for their children, this is not true today.  I do not mean in any way to offend any parent who has a child on medication, nor do I intend to say that all medications are bad.  I just think it is important to try everything else first.  Now, obviously, if your child is psychotic, they need medication.  More often, I have parents who bring in children who have experienced trauma and are feeling anxious or depressed.  There are many therapeutic techniques that can help with these issues outside of medication.  Before starting medication, I have a few recommendations:

  1. Get a full physical with a doctor that is familiar with depression and anxiety.  Even mania can be attributed to physical ailments such as a thyroid issue, as are depression and anxiety.  Depression is closely linked to vitamin D deficiency and research also supports the use of fish oil to increase Omega-3.  In fact, in a recent talk training I went to, physician Andrew Weil taught us that fish oil and vitamin D, combined with regular, moderate exercise are more effective than medication for depression.  Now don’t go out and do these things because I said so please consult your or your child’s doctor before changing anything.
  2. Start exercising.  In research with a control group who changed nothing, one group that used only medication and another group that introduced moderate exercise 3x’s/week for 20 minutes or more the group that exercised had the best results in treating mood disorders.  For kids I especially love exercise that gets them focused on controlling their bodies, dance, martial arts, qui gong, and yoga are all wonderful.
  3. Look at the food you and your child eat.  I have seen more and more children developing food sensitivities.  The main culprits seem to be food dyes, sugar (you knew that), caffeine, and gluten.  I used to see a kid where you could tell if he got into the pretzels just by looking at him when he walked in the door because his sensitivity to wheat caused him all kinds of trouble.  This is the easiest (and the hardest) one to do because all you have to do (feel free to laugh here if your child is a picky eater like mine) is eliminate each category of food for about a week to see if you see a behavioral change.
  4. Learn to meditate.  Meditation is good for just about everyone.  Even kids can meditate.  Just start small and work your way up to 10-20 minutes at least 3 x’s/ week.
  5. Check out other alternatives.  Acupuncture and reiki- even with children- have both been helpful to my clients.  Don’t ask me what it does I just know it works for many people.
  6. Let’s not forget talk therapy, art therapy, and play therapy are all helpful.
  7. Learn EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique).  I use this tapping technique with most children and adults I work with at some point.  It is easy to learn and you can find out how by contacting a therapist who knows it.  They should be able to teach you in one or two sessions.

Like I said before, medication is not all bad.  I have seen quite a few children who have been helped by it, however, more and more, I and others in my field are looking to try alternatives first and with good reason.  Dr. Weil also pointed out more recent research that points to our bodies adjusting to medication in ways we did not expect.  For example, the study he cited found that people who took SSRI’s to increase serotonin production to treat depression also had the effect that once a patient stopped taking the SSRI, their brain had adjusted to making less serotonin as it became adjusted to allowing the medication to stimulate production.  He also used the example that acid reflux medication, when given to a group of young adults who did not have issues with acid reflux, actually ended up causing acid reflux issues in a significant number of participants after they stopped taking the medication.  Why?  Because their bodies adjusted to producing more acid to counteract the medicine to try to reach “normal” for their body.  My point is, there is still a lot we don’t know about medication, especially for children and that the long-term studies on psychotropic meds for kids just isn’t there yet.  Before putting our children on these medications, please, let’s consider less extreme alternatives.

March 28, 2012 Posted by | help for parents, thinking about therapy? | , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

How to know when you or your child need a therapist

“I’ve thought about coming in for a long time but it just didn’t seem that bad.”  How many times have I heard these words?  They are usually soon followed by the wish that the individual or family I am seeing had come in sooner.  Many people delay going to therapy because things just don’t seem bad enough.  I would encourage families to start thinking of therapists not only as people you go to as a last resort, but also as a kind of preventative help, kind of like going to your primary care physician when you have a cold.  How often have you delayed taking yourself or your child to your physician only to find out that had you gone sooner you would have been better off- that cold was actually strep, or that cough was really asthma?  Many people delay for understandable reasons, we are all busy, but by going when the problem starts, you can often (just like in medicine) reduce the amount of time it takes to recover from whatever the issue is.  Take depression for example, a person who is in the early stages of depression takes way less time in therapy to get better than a person who has been depressed for years.

Many people worry that once you start therapy, you end up going for years.  While this is true for some people, there are many people who go only a few times and find relief.  In fact, I have had an increasing number of parents calling my practice who just want to come in for a check in and guidance in helping their child adjust to a major change such as a move, or the death or illness of a relative.  Sometimes I never actually see the child, but the parents want someone to help them tailor their response to a distressing issue for their child since, especially if you have more than one child you know every child is different and has different needs.  Once you establish a relationship with a therapist, even if it is short-term, then you can continue to refer back to that person if any issues come up in the future.

Some signs that a person needs to be seen for therapy can be subtle but if they come in groups, you would want to have yourself or your child seen.  They include:

  • a sudden change in mood or behavior that does not seem to be going away.
  • lower grades than usual on a report card.
  • comments about feeling different from other people and not fitting in.
  • excessive worrying or depression.
  • an increase in challenging behaviors and/or bad moods.
  • increasingly disrespectful attitude or tone with parents.
  • sudden interest in death and dying.

If you see two or more indicators from the above list, I would recommend you contact a therapist.

Some indicators in and of themselves that indicate therapy is warranted include:

  • a statement from someone (including young children) that they want to die.
  • any previously untreated significant childhood sexual or physical abuse or neglect.
  • anyone in a family where the parents are separated or divorcing.
  • anyone who is self-harming (self-inflicted cuts, bruises, burns, etc.).
  • anyone who intentionally starves themselves or makes themselves vomit.
  • anyone who has become increasingly agitated and starts to make less and less sense (this could indicate a manic episode and needs to be treated)
  • anyone in an abusive relationship (if you do not know if your relationship is abusive, I would recommend therapy).

When in doubt, just call a therapist in your area.  We all know it is part of our job to speak to people who are just not sure if therapy is right for them or their child.  I have had plenty of people who have called where I have told them they did not need to bring their child in (like the parents who called to ask if a young child playing doctor with another young child needed to be in therapy).  Other times, people have called who have been on the fence and I end up saying if X, Y and Z happen, call back but lets see if some of this self corrects.  For example, sadness over the passing of a grandparent is normal, however if the sadness interferes with daily activities after a few weeks then I would want to see that child.

If you are thinking your next step is to find a therapist, please stay tuned for future posts about finding the right therapist for you and your child and on therapy myths- debunked!

For more information on my practice, please feel free to look at my practice website: www.ahealingplaceincolumbia.com

March 28, 2012 Posted by | help for parents, thinking about therapy? | , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments