Parent Affirmation Monday- 8/13/2012- control
Written by, Kate Oliver, MSW, LCSW-C
I care more about my child (or husband/wife, etc) than I care about this conflict.
Zeke washing dishes (Photo credit: Nathan Rein)
How often do we get into it with our kids over something little? Do you argue with your child about the right way to do something, or getting it done the way we want them to do it? This week, I am challenging you to pay attention to how much you do this and whether you may be able to pull back that behavior a little bit to allow your children (or your spouse) to do it their way.
A recent study came out that says that mothers who feel as though they are the most essential component of their child’s life (over fathers even) are more likely to feel overwhelmed and depressed. When we seek to control the actions of others (even our children), we are certain to get into a power struggle. Yes, common parent knowledge these days says that if you give an order, you must follow through. But how often are we demanding that things must be done only our way? There is a happy medium between the constant negotiations we know children are capable of and completely avoiding all conflict. Let’s try to find that for you with your children and with your adult relationships.
I distinctly remember when I realized my husband does some things better than I do with the children. Honestly, I was a little put off. My inner critic wanted to tell me I should know how to do everything better- being a child therapist and all, but, guess what? He is better at playing with them, joking them out of a funk and getting them into and out of the bath without argument among other things. This week, be open to the possibility that children and significant other adult relationships may do things differently in a way that might be just as good, or better than you expected.
Related articles
- Raising Successful Children (nommimarlik.wordpress.com)
- Mother is Best? Why “Intensive Parenting” Makes Moms More Depressed (healthland.time.com)
About me
Kate Oliver, LCSW-C (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) has been a clinician working with traumatized and attachment-disturbed children for almost two decades. She is co-owner of A Healing Place, a private practice in Columbia, Maryland, since 2007.
At the beginning of her career, Kate found that while some children responded to traditional child therapy practices, there were a significant number of children who showed little or no improvement in their overall emotional well-being. This led her to seek out specialized training to learn more about attachment, the bond between parents and children, and found that by using attachment-based strategies in addition to treating trauma, even the most challenging children and their parents, saw major, life-changing shifts, not only for the children she was working with, but the parents as well.
Early in her career, Kate was privileged to work as the clinical director for Tamar’s Children, a program that took pregnant, incarcerated women from prison to a treatment facility that worked on teaching the women to bond with and attach to their babies, while also helping the women to heal their own broken attachments, and history of trauma and addiction. This program was internationally recognized for having a successful, evidence-based practice using an attachment-based model. From working with some of the most severely disenfranchised parents, Kate received important information about how to help all parents maintain a happy, healthy relationship with their children.
In 2007, Kate co-founded A Healing Place, a mental health private group practice in Columbia, Maryland, where she focuses on working with families with children who have a history of trauma and/or attachment disturbances. A board certified supervisor, Kate has been an invited presenter to teach continuing education courses for other social workers and psychologists. In her courses, Kate teaches attachment-building techniques and presents about her sub-specialty, working with families headed by gay and lesbian parents. Kate has also worked as a trainer for Building Families for Children, a therapeutic foster care agency.
Kate is a former board member for the organization COLAGE, a non-profit group that works toward community building for people with gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender parents. She is currently a member of Attachment Disorders Maryland, a group that works to educate parents and professionals about working with children with attachment related issues. She is a Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Practitioner and Educator.
Kate lives in Columbia, Maryland is the mother of two amazing daughters, the partner to a fantastic husband, and the daughter of one mother and two gay dads. She loves to read any book that crosses her path, write (of course), and she recently started dancing again, a passion she has had since her youth.
Kate can be reached by email: helpforyourfamily@gmail.com for questions or you can find her on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/Help4yourfamily.
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